California Attorney General Kamala Harris

California Attorney General Kamala Harris

President Obama ignited a firestorm of controversy when he described California Attorney General Kamala Harris “as by far, the best looking attorney general.” Um, Mr. President? That’s not the kind of thing you’re supposed to say. You’re supposed to be better than that. We might expect Bill Clinton to say things like “Check out the gams on that deputy assistant secretary of agriculture!” But not you. We elected you because you’re not a skanky man-whore like Bill Clinton or a gibbering rodeo clown eating a shit sandwich like George W. Bush.

But… you raise a stupid good question. If we were to rank all the attorneys general by some arbitrary, stupid standard that has nothing to do with their actual job, who comes out on top? They’re all basically decent people, and each of them excel at something–except Virginia’s Ken Cuccinelli, who is a monster in human form. Is Kamela Harris really the hottest? Is buttery-soft Georgia Attorney General Sam Olens really the most likely to be eaten by cannibals? Who is the foxiest silver fox? Let’s delve into these important questions.

Here’s a list of ALL the state attorneys general, with headshots! Swoon at the hotness that is Kansas Attorney General Derek Schmidt! Gasp with delight at the visage of Tennessee attorney general Robert E. “Robert” Cooper! Gabble with lust as Wyoming attorney general Greg Phillips ensorcels you with his Nosferatu charms!

MOST EASILY OBJECTIFIED MALE ATTORNEYS GENERAL

Kentucky's Jack Conway is dreamy by AG standards.

Kentucky’s Jack Conway is dreamy by AG standards.

If Kentucky’s Jack Conway was disfigured by the Joker and became a super villain, he could only be played in a movie by Aaron Eckhart. He’s that dreamy. South Dakota’s Marty Jackley could be a spokesmen for that Touch Of Gray hair goop. Maryland AG Doug Gensler hates Jackley for stealing his patented coat-over-the-shoulder sexy pose. Don’t seat the two of them near each other at meetings.

Gensler and Jackley are constantly stealing each other's moves.

Gensler and Jackley are constantly stealing each other’s moves.

MOST EASILY OBJECTIFIED FEMALE ATTORNEYS GENERAL

(From top right) Catherine Cortez-Masto (NM), Kamela Harris (CA), Katherine Kane (PA), Lori Swanson (MN), Pam Bondi (FL)

(From top right) Catherine Cortez-Masto (NM), Kamela Harris (CA), Katherine Kane (PA), Lori Swanson (MN), Pam Bondi (FL)

Presented without comment. Ok, maybe one comment. Is Katherine Kane Katherine Harris’s new host body?

BEST SILVER FOX

Silver Foxes Greg Zoeller and Buddy Caldwell.

Silver Foxes Greg Zoeller and Buddy Caldwell.

Louisiana’s James “Buddy” Caldwell. How could you not like a guy named Buddy? You can become his facebook friend here!

Indiana’s Greg Zoeller has a trustworthy salt-and-pepper cop mustache. I bet he grills a mean bratwurst. That is not some sort of dirty euphemism.

HOTTEST UP-AND-COMING TEA PARTY WHACKADOODLE

Ken Cuccinelli is a monster in human form. Sam Neill played him in "Damien: Omen III."

Ken Cuccinelli is a monster in human form. Sam Neill played him in “Damien: Omen III.”

I wouldn’t recommend looking directly into the dead, soul-less eyes of Ken Cuccinelli or Pam Bondi, but I guess by some standards they are not physically hideous.

Pam Bondi should have played someone unlikeable in "Ally McBeal."

Pam Bondi should have played someone unlikeable in “Ally McBeal.” Do not gaze directly into her eyes.

MOST LIKELY TO BE CONSUMED BY CANNIBALS

Deliciously tender Georgia Attorney General Ken Olens.

Deliciously tender Georgia Attorney General Sam Olens.

If a plane full of attorneys general crashed in the Andes, buttery, well-marbled Georgia Attorney General Sam Olens would probably be the first to be eaten by the crash survivors. Arizona’s Tom Horne would make an excellent jerky, and a waterproof shelter could be made out of his tanned leathery hide.

NERD HOT

Derek Schmidt and Lisa Madigan make a cute couple.

Derek Schmidt and Lisa Madigan make a cute couple.

Tough-but-fair Gary King of New Mexico.

Tough-but-fair Gary King of New Mexico.

Kansas knows they have a hottie in sexy man-beast Derek Schmidt, because they provide a link so you can download and enjoy his picture in the privacy of your own home! And, sure, New Mexico Attorney general Gary King may not exude the manly musk of a Derek Schmidt or Jack Conway, but he looks like a tough-but-fair chemistry teacher from an 80s TV show, so that counts for something. Illinois’ Lisa Madigan is the very definition of nerd hot.

GUYS THAT LOOK LIKE THEY WOULD PLAY AN ATTORNEY GENERAL IN AN EPISODE OF “HILL STREET BLUES”

I could picture any one of these guys yelling at Al Pacino in "And Justice For All."

I could picture any one of these guys yelling at Al Pacino in “And Justice For All.”

The attorneys general of Colorado (John Suthers), Connecticut (George Jepson) and Idaho (Lawrence Wasden) all look like 80s character actors who would have played an attorney general or a police commissioner. I don’t know if that makes them hot or not.

Gary King could also fall into this category. He could plausibly yell “Next time I’ll have your badge!” at Dennis Franz.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Jim Hood, Robert Cooper, and John Swallow. Yes, John Swallow.

Jim Hood, Robert Cooper, and John Swallow. Yes, John Swallow.

Mississippi AG Jim Hood looks like a creepy mob lawyer from a John Grisham movie. I believe that Robert E. “Robert” Cooper was the actor who played Spaz in the Bill Murray movie “Meatballs.” And Utah AG Jack Sparrow John Swallow…Christ, he looks like a terrible Robert Zemekis animated version of Senator Bill Nelson. John Swallow. I bet you do, John. I bet you do.

(Images are from here, here, and here).