Wow. It has been an incredible year for the world’s assholes. Whether they were bombing little children, stealing investor money, or just generally blocking the march of human progress, this year’s biggest jerks made us all a little ashamed to be human beings. Here are the best of the worst.
Important author’s note: I would have included Donald Trump on this list, but he is such an asshole I can’t even stand to write a paragraph about him.
10. Jerry Sandusky. The former Penn State coach and stuff of our nightmares was arrested and convicted for years of serial child sexual abuse with kids who admired and trusted him. His actions destroyed Penn State’s football program and the legacy of Joe Paterno. All the while he acted like he was a misunderstood victim. I hope his jail cell is cold and no one ever comes to visit him.
9. R. Umar Abbasi and the editors of The New York Post. It was bad enough that Mr. Abbasi snapped a picture of Ki Suk Han, a New Yorker who had been pushed on the subway tracks, seconds before he was killed by a train, and it was bad enough that he sold the photo to make a little cash. However, what was really horrifying was the Post’s ghoulish headline (“Pushed on the Subway Track, This Man is About to Die”). The Post is known for putting offensive things on it’s cover, but this was too much even for New Yorkers. This video really is true.
8. Jamie Dimon. The President and CEO of JPMorgan Chase is everything wrong with America’s super rich. Smug, incompetent, and unfairly rewarded, he has the douchebag triple crown. Bad trading practices may have lost investors up to $9 billion dollars, but Diamon’s name is still being shopped around Washington as a potential nominee for Treasury Secretary. Christ, this country sucks.
7. Every single fucker who complained about gymnast Gabby Douglas’ hair. Really, assholes? A 16 year old gold medalist? There is really nothing better to complain about? Fuck that and fuck you.
6. The Mayan 2012 Conspiracy Jackasses. The best part of the end of 2012 is not having to hear anymore about this stupid idea that no one ever believed anyway. Facebook has never been more annoying than it was the week of the so-called end of the world. You know you live in a country with a failing education system when your space agency has to release a video telling you that an ancient calendar does not actually predict the future. Now that the deadline has passed, can we all put away the apocalyptic nonsense and actually get to work solving our problems?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkg5NjY23uQ
5. The Taliban. Speaking of stupid people with ancient beliefs, this year Pakistani Taliban fighters attacked 14 year old Malala Yousufzai simply because she wanted to go to school. When locals expressed outrage at this action the terrorist group made the brilliant PR move of threatening to shoot all of them. Needless to say, things aren’t quite as cozy as they once were for the Taliban in Pakistan. Hopefully these guys will all eventually starve to death in the Afghan mountains so people in their region can get on with their lives.
4. Lance Armstrong. You know, usually I don’t buy into that whole athletes as role models bullshit, but Armstrong was genuinely an inspirational figure to millions of people. His inspiring story was all a lie designed so he could get fame and money. Even worse, his misdeeds destroyed his successful charity organization that probably had literally saved lives, and that is really sad.
3. The Fucking GOP. What in the Hell happened to the Republican party in this country? Never a likable group to begin with, the party went full on batshit on all of us this year. From Newt’s Dickensian work houses, to Aiken’s rapey antics, there was something to offend nearly everyone. Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan bitched that we were all a bunch of low-life moochers and then were shocked, shocked when we all voted against them. Even after having their asses handed to them in the election, House Republicans have dug in and decided to wreck our economy in a childish fit. I am not sure why the GOP seems to think the “fuck you, America” strategy is going to work out for them, but they sure are invested in it.
2. Wayne LaPierre and the gun nuts. There are few more irresponsible actors in the American political landscape than the NRA and the gun lobby. Years of big money lobbying by the NRA has led to lax gun laws and the highest gun violence rates in the developed world. LaPierre has peddled a paranoid dystopia that is part racism, part stupidity, and part male insecurity. Meanwhile America’s gun nuts show up at their state houses and complain that the UN is going to take their guns and other incoherent bullshit that make it embarrassing (and dangerous) to live in this country. After the Trayvon Martin shooting the NRA started marketing NRA hoodies, and after Sandy hook LaPierre rambled incoherently about putting guns in every school. These people are starting to make the cold, dead hands option look pretty good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGlk0Vt0TKU
1. Bashar al-Assad Assad is one of those few people that can really be called evil. The Syrian president has spent the year in a fit of murdering, starving, and torturing his own citizens with a vigor that would please the most accomplished of dictator. As his top aides flee the country and the international community lines up against him, Assad continues to blow up little children and let the population of opposition cities starve through a freezing winter. We all know this ends with a 3 minute trial on state TV before he is finally drug out in the street and a bullet is put in his head. However, Assad is too arrogant to see this and flee for a nice exile somewhere. The only good thing about Assad is that his time is almost over.
