Since Homoviper interviewed me last month, it was my turn to pick a Crasstalker. I couldn’t resist the urge to interview Rowen. He’s usually so shy and reticent. Also it took him like two weeks to do this whole thing but that’s because he was binge-watching Dance Moms (I assume).
Let’s get to the fuckery questions!
B: There might be some people on Crasstalk who suspect that you could be homosexual. I’ve never really picked up anything like that myself, but can you settle this issue once and for all?
R: I’d be glad to! I’m a cake eating Friend of Dorothy. A butt pirate; pillow biter; uphill gardener; ass goblin; rump ranger; donut puncher; sausage jockey; cock gobbler; pole smoker; poo stabber; an ass jockey. In short, I’m a total ‘mo. A queen. A fairy. A pansy. Does this answer the question?
(Editor’s note: Still not totally convinced.)
B: Anyway, if you won a million dollars tomorrow, how would you spend the money?
R: I have no clue. I’d like to pretend that I would spend it on my student loans and wise investments. Or a trip around the world. Or massive amounts of blow and rent boys. That seems like such a large amount, and at the same time, such a small amount, too, so it’s rather baffling. Two chicks at the same time? I kinda misunderstood the assignment.
B: Some of my favorite Rowen stories are from when you worked at a Starbucks in Times Square. Did you ever put your hands up to your mouth like Stefan from Saturday Night Live and send a family of chubby Indianans to some bizarre fetish club involving midgets?
R: I did, once, really piss off a chubby family of Floridians. I had just gotten on shift and their daughter’s drink hadn’t been made to par, and I asked what was wrong with it since I hadn’t made it in the first place. Both the dad and daughter snapped at me. We all went about our day, and one of the baristas was talking about how we used to make drinks, and then the dad came up and started demanding my resignation. Meanwhile, his mullet-headed wife was holding the door open to wait for him to finish, which he showed no signs of doing. I asked her to close it, since it was February and 5 degrees outside. She shot her piggy little eyes at me, and finally the whole family left. The dad, however, spent the rest of the week calling the store to tell *someone* that I had ruined his daughter’s vacation and I needed to be fired immediately.
B: Which character from a Christopher Guest movie are you most like?
R: Beatrice from Best in Show. I get moody and don’t understand why I have to put up with all these crazy bitches.
B: You are famous for your dedication to the world of dance. If the choreographer from the above video came to you and said she wanted you to perform in it, would you take the gig? Is there anything just so weird/awful that you wouldn’t want to perform it? Because personally, if you paid me I would totally put on a codpiece and slam an aluminum phallus while making bird chirping noises.
R: I’d like to say no, but my technique has fallen so behind and I’ve gotten old and fat. So that if said choreographer really wanted me, I’d jump on it. I mean, it’s not like I’m too good to dance naked covered in body paint – and I’m not referring to last Friday night.
B: You’re originally from Texas but now live in New York. How much do you hate all the Johnny-cum-Lately assholes who have moved to NYC after you?
R: I only like them when they aren’t driving up the housing prices, talking like confused chipmunks or walking slowly while texting. Those fucks need to quit their internship and move back to Ohio, stat.
B: If you could host an orgy with any historical figures, who would you invite?
R: If you read my high school diary (which .. you really shouldn’t. The FEELINGS.), I did this, but it was a dinner party. Anyway, I’d like to add the caveat that no STIs or pregnancies will result in this, because that will change things. So, Lucius Cornelius Sulla, Gia Carrangi, Diane de Portiers, Oscar Wilde, Isadora Duncun, and WARNING HIGHLY NSFW LINK Remy Delaine.
B: If you could do anything (other than be a dancer) for a living, what would it be?
R: An astronomer. I’ve done some amateur study, and want to learn more. I get a twitch when people talk about Pluto.
B: Are you a cat person, dog person or ferret person? There is no wrong answer. (OK, yes there is.)
R: I like the set up my grandparents had when I was growing up. 8 cats, 5 dogs, 12 horses, a few chickens, and a herd of cattle. Unfortunately, the chickens died off. The cats were outdoor cats and didn’t always last, the dogs got old and they sold the horses.
B: Have you ever hooked up with anyone famous? Wink twice if John Travolta.
R: I’m not pretty enough, nor quiet enough for undisclosed celebrity hook ups, and all the out ones have boyfriends.
B: What’s your favorite color, and what do you think this says about you?
R: Aquamarine. I like it because it reminds me of the ocean. Take that for what you will, since I don’t think straight men know colors beyond the primary, secondary and tertiary.
(Editor’s Note: He’s right, of course. I have no idea what color “tertiary” is. Is that an even more gay shade of purple?)
B: As one of the world’s most prominent gay rugby players, are you happy that I know who Ben Cohen is? Because somehow I do.
R: I always love it when you and I have things we can talk about, as opposed to price gouging.
B: But you’re from Texas. How did you get started playing rugby? Do they not have gay rodeo?
R: I actually didn’t start til I got to NYC. And I blame Pssshwhatever. We were watching the Gay Pride Parade, and I was wondering, out loud, about joining a sport as the rugby team walked past, and Pssh told me that I should totally join, and if I did, she’d have more of a hopeless crush on me then she already did. So I joined.
I know there IS a gay rodeo, but, oddly enough, when I think of the rodeo, I think of going with my grandfather to see the Houston Livestock Show’s quarter horse competition, which is much more … sedate than rodeo riding.
B: Personally I’ve spent years NOT learning how to use PowerPoint. I’m very proud of my complete lack of knowledge about how to use this program. What’s your favorite piece of office productivity software to completely neglect?
R: Probably Adobe Acrobat. I know how to open shit, but that’s about it.
B: If Rowen were elected President of the World tomorrow, what would be the first thing he changed?
R: I will require men’s pant designers to start making pants that flatter men with substance below the waist, so I can buy some pants that fucking fit.
B: Last but not least I think we should settle one of the great debates of our age: Grindr, Scruff or Manhunt?
R: I use Scruff, but that’s only because I paid for a premium membership. I find I do better in person, so I deleted everything else. Plus, there’s more booze and less indecisive moping around the house when you’re out in the real world.
