Well, we don’t really know what to say. Alien neighbors, mistresses, weird happenings at a haunted apartment, a submarine crew lost in the jungle…there is just so much happening at ABC. Come, let’s take a look. Don’t be afraid to mock ABC’s loglines too, because those things are hilarious.
Nashville
ABC’s Logline: She was the queen of the charts and living her dream. But when you’re on top, you have to fight to stay there.
The Good and the Bad: Well, this looks an awful lot like Country Strong starring a twangin, ya’llin, Gwyneth Paltrow, doesn’t it? Correct us if we’re wrong, but didn’t that movie suck all kinds of butt? No, seriously, it was talked about for forever, and when it debuted everyone kind of chalked it up to, “Oh, some sangin thang Gwynie P. tried to do, but you know, lame.” So, what makes ABC think people will flock to this one just because Connie Britton and Hayden Panettiere are playing an aging songbird and a hot, young, Carrie Underwood person? This seems like a long shot.
The Family Tools
ABC’s Logline: To get the family back in business, he’d better nail it. Jack Shea has never succeeded at anything, but now he’s going to fix everything.
The Good and the Bad: Well, the first thing wrong with this is someone saying, “You go, girl.” That’s not okay. That hasn’t been okay since 1993. And the whole reason someone at ABC would think this is okay, is the total reason why this show has already lost several vital “success points.” The second reason why this seems doomed is Kyle Bornheimer. Good lord, this is, what, his FIFTH attempt at network television?! That’s just, well, insane. That has got to be a record or something. If I were ABC I’d get that guy off the show immediately. He’s like the opposite of a rabbit’s foot. That would probably be a rabbit’s tooth abscess or a crooked pinky paw. Wait, he actually asks, “Why does this keep happening to me?” in the trailer. Get out, ABC. Get out now!
How to Live With Your Parents For The Rest of Your Life
ABC’s Logline:If you think visiting your parents is painful, try moving back in with them. Sometimes you have to move home to move on.
The Good and the Bad: Well, campy and shticky is the name of the game over at family-time ABC, eh? Elizabeth Perkins who we’ve missed since Weeds went off the rails, and Everybody Loves Raymond‘s Brad Garrett, who looks more than a little like a sasquatch-ish Andrew Dice Clay, are the parents to (2nd Becky), Scrubs alum, Sarah Chalke. The want and desire to be Modern Family is strong with this one, but it looks a bit more like that The Middle show, or Malcom in the Middle…we dunno, whichever one is about haphazard, mostly irresponsible things happening with harried people and the children who live in their homes. It looks like it may have a cute moment or two, but it’ll need to expand beyond the cute kid, stressed out mother, and clueless grandparent thing in order to find a balance between fun and poignant. We’re not holding our breath.
666 Park Avenue
ABC’s Logline: Welcome to The Drake, Park Avenue’s most devilish address, where evil, obsession, and supernatural occurrences are all included in the rent.
The Good and the Bad: The occult! Ghosts! Devils! Rosemary’s Baby?! Maybe. So this Drake place is plenty haunted. Well, okay. It’s not an American Horror Story if something doesn’t have a few supernatural bumps. It looks slick, and yes, quite a bit CW network, if you know what we mean. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean the show will be successful, but at least they’re thinking out of the box. However, it looks as though they may be over thinking it just a bit. Lavish and haunted, secrets and desires, voyeurism and knowing smiles…it all may be too much for one crazy stew pot.
Last Resort
ABC’s Logline: 500 feet beneath the ocean’s surface, the Colorado receives their orders!
The Good and the Bad: Sheesh. We can’t be the only ones two seconds in and thinking Crimson Tide. We really want to support Andre Braugher because he’s an excellent actor who’s overlooked for his work far too often. But, yeah, this looks so re-treaded (Lost) it has tire marks on its side. We’re going to reserve judgment, but we’d like a few surprises, or something to turn this thing on its head, because if not, we’re probably just going to say Crimson Tide was a much better movie. Hey Scott Speedman! You done being a werewolf, hybrid, blue fanged muscle champion? Great!
Mistresses
ABC’s Logline: Life is all about the choices we make, the changes we take and the friends who see us through.
The Good and the Bad: So much 1980’s here. Alyssa Milano, and John Schneider. What?! John Schneider is on a show about mistresses. Hoo-boy. Well, you know what, based on the success of Revenge, there’s no way we’ll say this soapy drama can’t work. It just may. And already in the trailer it’s salacious, scandalous and pretty moral-challenging. Mitt Romney and all the Focus on the Family people will love it! No, seriously, we can already imagine the petitions.
Red Widow
ABC’s Logline: The family. The business. The life (Fingies has no idea what this means. The show. It could be crap. ABC is pompous.)
The Good and the Bad: So it’s a mysteryisszz. Bad things have happened, and one woman must solve the mystery we assume? Ok. Sure. Whatever. Oh, great glitter bang vampire loins! This thing was written by a Twilight screenwriter. Well, that explains the music, and the histrionics in every scene. This looks needlessly complicated. Yawn. Give us the mistresses.
Zero Hour
ABC’s Logline:To find his wife, one man will have to unravel one of the greatest conspiracies of all time. The countdown has begun!
The Good and the Bad: Well, there you are Dr. Green (Anthony Edwards) we thought ER threw you away forever. But no, they didn’t. You just landed in a Nic Cage hair follicle. Yes, this seems very much like National Treasure. Clandestine secret societies. Maps. Sigh. Well, it’s nice seeing you anyway, Anthony. Say “Hi” to Ashley Judd’s son, would ya? You know, because he could be hiding out with your wife.
[Update: Inexplicably, ABC has pulled this trailer, but trust us when we say you’re not missing much.]
Malibu Country
ABC’s Logline: Some traditions are made to be broken…and she’s aiming to break away as far as she could.
The Good and the Bad: How is this in any way different than Reba’s other show called Reba. It’s Reba doing the same thing the other Reba was doing in that show. It’s Reba 2.0.
The Neighbors
ABC’s Logline: Marty Weaver buys a new home, only to discover, to his wife’s horror that the neighbors are aliens masquerading as suburbanites.
The Good and the Bad: NBC is airing a show about a monkey doctor. So, you know, there’s a lot of room for suckage. This didn’t have far to climb. Seriously, there are green CGI beings in this show. SERIOUSLY!
Here’s ABC’s Full Schedule
MONDAY
8 PM “Dancing with the Stars”
10 PM “Castle”
In January
8 PM “The Bachelor”
10 PM “Castle”
TUESDAY
8 PM “Dancing with the Stars the Results Show”
9 PM “Happy Endings”
9:30 PM “Don’t Trust the B– in Apartment 23”
10 PM “Private Practice”
In January:
8 PM “How to Live with Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life)”
8:30 PM “The Family Tools”
WEDNESDAY
8 PM “The Middle”
8:30 p.m. “Suburgatory”
9 PM “Modern Family”
9:30 PM “The Neighbors”
10 PM “Nashville”
THURSDAY
8 PM “Last Resort”
9 PM “Grey’s Anatomy”
10 PM “Scandal”
FRIDAY
8 PM “Shark Tank”
9 PM “Primetime: What Would You Do?”
10 PM “20/20”
In November:
8 PM “Last Man Standing”
8:30 p.m. “Malibu Country”
9 PM “Shark Tank”
10 PM “Primetime: What Would You Do?”
SATURDAY
8 PM “Saturday Night College Football”
SUNDAY
7 PM “America’s Funniest Home Videos”
8 PM “Once Upon a Time”
9 PM “Revenge”
10 PM “666 Park Avenue”
