Don’t blink. We’re at the midpoint, and things are happening fast. So, yes, don’t blink. If you do, you’re bound to miss some of the careful nuance playing out between all of our beloved characters, and if you’re basing your assessment of Game of Thrones, the television series, on Game of Thrones the books? Yeah, well, the television series is turning things on its head, so haha! Even you book folks won’t know what will happen.
Everyone try and keep up, because the cow pie just got real.
We begin last night’s episode, “The Old Gods and the New,” in Winterfell, and from the very first frame our heartbeat ramped up about 20 clicks. Maester Luwin, keeper of Winterfell, is frantic because soldiers are bearing down on the door where he’s closed himself in. Now in a panic, he writes a desperate note, we think to Robb Stark, and sends it via raven-Gmail moments before he’s captured by Theon Greyjoy’s men. Oh, crap. Greyjoy grew some balls and flung them at Winterfell.
A sleeping Bran is awakened to Theon bursting into his room like very much the cat who caught the canary, and announces that he, Theon Greyjoy, Prince of Iron Island and Sisterly Incest, has taken castle Winterfell. Bran pulls himself up, looks at Theon like the peon in emperor’s clothes that he is, and basically says, “What are you doing here? And why are you playing with Castle Winterfell Legos at a time like this?” Theon wants Bran, who is now Lord of Winterfell, to cede the castle to him. And Bran says, “No, that’s stupid. Get out of here, you dickless Sneech.” And in a bit of strange juxtaposition which is entirely effective, Theon, who was once Bran’s protector, sits at Bran’s bedside as he’s probably done in the past, and explains to Bran what’s actually transpired, which 1) would never be done if it were anyone else taking Winterfell and 2) is patently hilarious because it’s Theon who should know once Robb finds out there will be hell to pay.
He tells Bran that he must yield the castle or his people will die, and that there’s no shame in it; it’s what you must do in this situation if you are outmatched. “That’s what a good lord would do,” he confirms. On the face of it, Theon’s right, but he’s also a pube-pimple and he knows it, but so it goes. “Did you hate us the whole time?” Bran asks. And there we see the real Theon, a conflicted boy who has forever felt unloved, but didn’t realize the closest he ever came was within the Stark household. Fool.
Out in the courtyard, Bran has the duty of turning Winterfell and his people over to Theon, and it’s done in the pouring, and what looks like, freezing rain. We hate Theon for doing this, but the rain almost punctuates how flaccid this accomplishment really is for him. He can’t even conquer a realm run by a child and proclaim himself prince with any flair. He blusters and blows hard all over everyone and everything, and in particular, in the face of people whom he’s known most of his life. Imagine if your neighbor all of a sudden showed up and declared himself prince of your cul-de-sac? Yeah, this is what happened here.
Two of Theon’s men present him with a prisoner — Ser Rodrik, Winterfell’s master-at-arms whom first alerted Bran of the impending assault. Theon basically wants Rodrik to swear his fealty, which is ridiculous. Rodrik would rather swear fealty to a dung covered shoe than Theon Greyjoy, the bastard traitor. He spits in Theon’s face and refuses. Theon is about to let the slight go and jail Rodrik, but his first mate tells him that he must “pay the iron price” for the insult. Oh, an even slipperier slope, eh Theon? Not only do you betray Robb, take his castle, threaten his kin, but you’ll also murder one of his men? You trying to win the Pathetically Doomed To Imminent Destruction Award on your first night out? Succumbing to the pressure, he agrees to take Rodrik’s head. One PDTID Award for Theon Greyjoy, come on down!
Bran, Rickon, and even Maester Luwin plead with Theon not to do it, but well, once you’ve accepted the PDTID Award, there’s nothing you can do but follow through. Rodrik prepares himself for death. Theon decides that letting someone else do the killing would be cowardly, so he sets about it himself — and fails at even that. He doesn’t take Rodrik’s head cleanly. He ends up splattered with blood while failing to make a good strike which results in his kicking the head to the ground. He’s such a colossal putz.
Bah! Let’s check in on the Night’s Watch.
Off in the snow-covered, hilly mountains, North of the Wall, Jon Snow and a small band of Night’s Watchman are tracking an even smaller band of Wildlings. We assume they’re some kind of threat, or maybe they didn’t pay a Wall toll, or perhaps their tent license was out of date? The Nights Watchman attack and Jon is about to do the same, when, gulp. Hey! You’re a girl! A girl? Like a real girl under forty pounds of hide? Yep. And she’s kind of pretty, right, Jon? Eye-wiggle. Well, she’s certainly more comely than Samwise Gamgee’s girlfriend Gilly of the Father-Daughter-Babymaking Clan of the North. We find out this freckle-faced, red-haired Wildwoman’s name is Ygritte, played by Rose Leslie (Gwen on Downton Abbey!) She’s feisty and shrewd. The other men leave Jon alone to kill her for the crime of living, apparently, but Jon can’t do it. He’s been bespelled. Our virginal mop-headed, frowny-faced, earnest outcast can’t kill her, so now what will he do with her? Well, she doesn’t give him the chance and takes off running. He chases her and all of a sudden we’re back in junior high except there’s less giggling and no Sadie Hawkins dance.
Clearly he doesn’t know how to interact with a woman, which is outrageously evident when he catches her and they’re forced to trudge through the snow until he finds his men, or they find them. Yet, he realizes that may take a long time in coming, and it’s getting cold, so they need to seek shelter for the night, and since they can’t light a fire — there’s only body heat to keep them warm. Boom-chicka-wow-wow! No, not really. More like “let’s have a really angry spoon” where I’ll hold you awkwardly so you don’t run away. Uh-huh. Ygritte who’s no dummy, decides this is the perfect time to start a little “Snow Cap Bump and Grind” and attempts to distract Jon’s, er, other brain with some seductive movement. And it works. Jon yells at her to stop grinding on him through fifty pounds of wolf pelt and lets out a few frustrated sighs to Ygritte’s satisfaction. It’s an old trick, but we can’t tell at this point if it’s just to weaken Jon’s defenses, or if she really likes Jon’s face stubble.
Keeping up? Okay, we’re now back at Harrenhal with Arya and Tywin. These two are bonding, and we’re not sure if we like it. It’s all a bit mysterious, because we don’t know what Tywin knows, and we don’t know if crafty Arya is plotting something. I think we should always be prepared for Arya to plot something — even if it happens spur of the moment.
We begin the scene with an angry Tywin who’s dressing down one of his men for sending a letter to the wrong place, potentially tipping off Robb Stark to his troop’s movements. He calls him illiterate, attempts to give him a quick lesson on the Houses of Westeros, finds that he’s too dumb to grasp even that, and says that his cupbearer, Arya, could probably do better at battle strategy. To this Arya smiles taking some small pride in her ability to have made an impression. No, no, Arya, we don’t think this is the right father figure for you, even if we hear a touching tale about how Tywin taught his dyslexic son, Jaime, how to read.
The main draw of this scene was the announcement that Littlefinger had come to pay Tywin a visit. We suddenly realize, as Arya does, that Littlefinger probably saw her face back at King’s Landing — and if he recognizes her now — she’ll really be captured. We watch on the edge of our seats as Arya tries to avoid Littlefinger’s gaze. She turns her back to him and finds inventive ways to hid her face as she clears the table. All of this shimmying on her part does get Littlefinger’s attention, but it doesn’t look as if he’s seen her full-on. That is until she spills wine on his arm and she has to quickly move away. When we’re not watching Arya’s dancing, we find out that Littlefinger is proposing to Tywin that somebody marry Renly’s widow Margaery to help forge an alliance with her family. See? Told you Margaery would be important. You don’t cast The Tudors Anne Boleyn for nothing.
After Littlefinger leaves, Arya finds the letter that almost went to Robb Stark. While Tywin blathers on about he and Jaime, Arya snags the letter and takes it with the intent on sending it by Raven Gmail, we assume, but she runs into the oaf who wrote it before she can. He curiously asks why she has it. She lies and says Tywin gave it to her. Mr. Oaf-dumb doesn’t believe her and gives chase. Arya runs and we know exactly who she’s looking for. And again we scream, “Cripes, Arya! Don’t waste the death genie on this guy!” But out of options this is what she does. She finds Jaqen and implores that he kill Mr. Oaf-dumb “right now!” and Jaqen starts in with his “A man must do his killing when he has bathed six times, turned in a circle, eaten the head off a pigeon, and called a pig a brute slut…” “NOW JAQEN!” He sighs, and when next we see Mr. Oaf-dumb, he falls over dead in the entryway of Tywin’s chambers.
Two down, one to go.
Back at King’s Landing, poor incest princess, Myrcella, is being sent off by royal canoe to be married in Dorne. It’s a sad day for Cersei. She knows now that one of her least mad children will become a relative captive in wherever Dorne is. Because she’s a bitter nutterbag herself, she turns her ire on Tyrion, and gives him her firm wish that he find someone he loves — so she can take her from him. Uh-oh, Shae. Close by, Sansa and Joffrey get into a quarrel about when it’s appropriate for a boy to cry, since he’s mocking his younger brother for doing so, because Joffrey’s a frothing serial killer. They throw out a few bitchy barbs, which ends in Joffrey being the bitchiest of the two as usual. Sigh. Oh, Sansa, stop egging that maniac on, would you please?
As the royals make their way back to the castle walls, the crowd seems a bit more raucous than before, eh? Tyrion certainly senses something and tells the guard to take the little prince, not Joffrey, back to the keep. Those in the kingdom are rather unsatisfied with Joffrey’s ruthlessness and lunatic ways, killing babies and such. They’re also upset that the war with the Starks has ravaged the country and people are starving — but their King doesn’t care.
Tyrion sees it coming. The rage. The all consuming eruption of rage that has festered and is tired of laying dormant. It undulates through the crowd as the shouts and screams get louder and louder. Suddenly a cow pie is hurled through the air and hits Joffrey right in his insane puss. Now we think to ourselves what could Joffrey do? Take cover and retreat to the safety of his castle? Yes, he could do that. Or he could go fooking nuttershit bonkers and start screaming for death and destruction. Which one does he choose? “Kill them!” Joffrey yells. “Kill them all!” Hoo-boy. Well, that’s that then. Pandemonium. The guard start slashing, the crowd revolts, one rather portly nobleman is carried off and set upon where he’s torn limb from limb by the crowd using only their bare hands. The Walking Dead would’ve been proud. Tyrion looks on in terror.
Joffrey, Cersei and Tyrion get into the castle safely. Well, Joffrey still has cow pie on his face and that’s delightful. Tyrion however is furious with Joffrey and sets into him like never before shouting that everything Joffrey has done is idiotic and nearly cost them their lives. The exchange is explosive and Tyrion’s anger is palpable. Joffrey’s response? “You’re talking to a king!” And oh, dear, lord the moment we’ve been waiting for all season, Tyrion hauls off and smacks the cow pie right off Joffrey’s face. Just one cracking smack! Oh, God’s joy! We shot up and cheered when that happened. (IF YOU HAVE FOUND A GIF OF THIS, PLEASE PLACE IT IN THE COMMENTS. YOU WILL MAKE US ALL VERY HAPPY. THANK YOU!)
Now that the royals are safe and smacking each other, what about poor Sansa who was separated from the crowd? Well, a bunch of zombie townsfolk are chasing her through the streets. She falls, she’s nabbed, and a rapin is about to go down. For the second time her dress is torn, and then…hey! The hound comes in, saves her, disembowels one guy, quickly dispatches the rest, and then she’s all well and good. Good thing The Hound was there, since Joffrey refused to send any men to find her. That’s not surprising coming from Cow pie Head Lannister.
Robb, whose shit-list probably can’t get any bigger, talks to many of his men in the field personally, scruffy face and auburn hair looking scrumptious, when he comes across the beguiling field medic he met a few episodes ago. He ascertains that she’s highborn and he starts to ask her to Westeros Starbucks for coffee when “Aw, Mom!” comes along and ruins all the fun, mostly to remind him that he’s promised to one of Lord Frey’s troll children. Yikes. But more importantly, he finds out that Theon has taken Winterfell. He spares only a few moments of wondering why, and from then on, it’s discussed how they will celebrate “Theon’s head on a pike” day.
Back at Winterfell, Osha, the Wildling who has become one of Bran’s caretakers, offers some free sex to Theon in exchange of her freedom. Because Theon rules with both stupidity and his cock, he agrees. After the sex, urgh, Osha sneaks away, kills one of Theon’s men who gets in her path, and whistles. Out comes Rickon, Bran on Hodor’s shoulders, and the two direwolves. Away into the night they go. Now, we don’t get the impression Theon would have hurt any of them, but we suppose it’s better to get away than give him the option, or to be used as bait, or bargaining chips. Won’t Balon Greyjoy be so proud to hear that Theon has taken over Winterfell, and two boys, a Hodor, a Wildling, and a couple wolves outsmarted him?
Finally we re-enter the Star Trek Qarth simulation and see what Dany’s up to. Of those vying for the throne, it seems the one with the least chance is Dany. She’s all the way in Qarth, with no ships, and begging for assistance from anyone willing to help her cause. On that accord, there are not many willing to help. She tries to enlist the help of the Spice King, but he sees her chances as risky and refuses. Xaro basically says she should’ve let Deanna Troi’s mother do her match-making, and married him, but mostly she screams much like a petulant child about how terrifying she will be because she is “mother of dragons.” But with most things, the response is “What have you done for me lately?” Without being able to back up her claims, in this scene Dany sounds much like Theon, Renly, and Stannis, proudly boasting all of the things they will do, after having shown little to nothing in the past. You know who’s getting shit done? Robb. So, excuse me Dany if I don’t yet feel sympathy for you and your cause, especially when it seems that you haven’t done the most basic thing in installing better ADT security in your villa.
The dragons have been stolen. Yes, yes, I’ve heard that THIS WAS NOT IN THE BOOKS! So, an extra helping of drama then? Fantabulous! Dany, who utters the most agonized and aggrieved line in the whole episode, short of Joffrey braying at the sky about being hit with that revered cow pie, “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?!” is now the Darth Vader “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!” of Game of Thrones.
What did we think about this episode? Tell us in the comments.
NOTE: You guys know my policy on book discussions, but since it appears the show veered away from the books a good little bit in this episode, I’ll allow for discussion regarding the comparison between the two outcomes and your feelings. BUT NO UPCOMING SPOILERS! Please do not discuss upcoming chapters if you can help it. THANKS! If you do, I’ll be in the comments with my ruler for your knuckles.
Here’s a more detailed infographic of the houses.
Click image for a full screen version.
The Game of Thrones airs Sunday nights at 9pm on HBO.
Here’s a preview of next week’s episode.
