Universal reboots a reboot to give us a new and non-original rebooted movie; Marvel wants to know what you’re doing two years from now; Seth Rogen has big dreams; Matt Lauer has news that trumps Seacrest’s not-news; Kerry Washington wants to fix your scandal; Fracking to hit the big screen, and Scorsese picks a monster team.
Having run out of ideas ten years ago, Hollywood is now set to reboot movies that were made, well, a little over ten years ago. Universal will reboot The Mummy in the fourth mummy remake since 1932, the last being the Brendan Fraser starrer from 1999. One question. Do they even care what we want? That’s probably a no. Where do they find these people who are somewhere inexplicably trapped in a time capsule and still lamenting on how either great or terrible 1999’s The Mummy was to the point that it desperately, at all costs, needs a remake exactly thirteen years later? Are we missing sand? Really, has there been a slew of missing sand in movies? Swirling, haunted, special, magic, warrior sand? Hoo-boy, it’s like civilization was never invented. What would we do without movies about sand monsters and undead walking Egyptians? Heh. The Bangles! Maybe they’re behind this. [Coming Soon.net]
Hey, Marvel fans! If you’re not tired of Marvel and all its champions including Ironman, the big, stupid hammer man, Thor, and now sheesh, Captain America, well they’ve released the dates of most of their upcoming films and plans for the new Captain America “beefcake in an America Suit” sequel starring Ryan Reynolds’ nightmare, Chris Evans. It will be released on April 4, 2014, so get ready! Yes, sure that’s two years away, but obviously Marvel and Disney want you prepared, so they’ve sent out the earliest “Save the Date” wedding notice of any studio ever. They want to make sure that your calendar is entirely clear. They’re sorta like the Mayans that way. The best plan is to tell the world when things are going to happen before they actually do so that you can run around panicking while packing for the end of the world and all that stuff, because what if you miss the end of the world, or the arrival of Chris Evans in lycra? Doomed! [Collider.com]
Did you know Seth Rogen was directing a movie? And not only directing it, but that it’s about the end-of-times? See, we need to thank those Mayans for giving us…um Seth Rogen movies about the end-of-times. Thanks, much respected, but long dead, civilization! Anyhoo, Rogen will direct this comedy about the apocalypse with a whole bunch of his buddies, so pretty much “Partay Until the Apoco Day!” Right! Amirite?! Aziz Ansari is the latest cast member to sign on to a group that includes Rogen, James Franco, Jonah Hill, Jay Baruchel, Danny McBride and Craig Robinson. And get this, they’re all playing themselves as they party at Franco’s mansion when they learn about the end of the world thing. So maybe there will be a little marijuana involved? What? You heard Rogen, Franco, and Danny McBride and you didn’t think about a little pot? Mostly with The Apocalypse Rogen is hoping to make the best comedy of all time, or he wants to be the best actor and/or director of all time, or something like that which he shared with Vulture back in January. We say, “Slow down there, Seth.” We’ve seen The Green Hornet. [Vulture]
Update! Remember a few days ago when pint-sized boll weevil, Ryan Seacrest, had super, duper big news to tell us, and it was basically that he’d be flying to the land of Fish & Chips over in London to watch gymnastics this summer? Okay, well, apparently this was the extent of his big news because Matt Lauer will be staying on to host NBC’s geriatric bid whist game called The Today Show until his orthopedic shoes wear out. Yes, Lauer has signed a new long-term deal with the show, so your grandma won’t have to wonder what that new teeny bopper with the strange girl hair is doing sitting in Matty’s chair. Matt Lauer stays forever! [Deadline]
ABC’s new Shonda Rhimes produced show, Scandal, starring a tart Kerry Washington in what will be now called the “rapid fire dialogue” television show trend, did OK in the ratings for its premiere episode. Despite some over-the-top melodramatic turns by some of the bit players, “I’m a war hero! I can’t be gay!” screamed one such character in an attempt to make the show relevant for our times — overall people kinda turned in to see what in the world a show about professional political cover-uppers is really about. So that’s something, right? I mean, it’s not like whatever that Grey’s Anatomy did when it launched McDreamy Steamy Chicken McNuggets or whatever, but hey, there’s only one way and that’s up! Yes?! Maybe. [Deadline]
Matt Damon the Fracker? Yes, well, perhaps. Vulture reports that Damon’s next movie The Promised Land, co-written by John Krasinski (Jim from Jim & Pam!) and Dave Eggers could have something to do with the controversial method of blasting rocks with sand, water, and chemicals to extract natural gas. Damon was set to direct the vehicle but decided to let Gus Van Sant helm it instead. Sounds interesting and very Clooney-esque, right? What? Yes, we totally think Matt Damon is still “Linus” from Ocean’s Eleven and really wishes to be a grown up Clooney. There’s no way there’s not a smidgen of truth to this. [Vulture]
Martin Scorsese, the Oscar-winner, decided to let us in on his thoughts about vampires vs. zombies. He’s apparently Team Edward, and that just sucks. When asked about the Twilight movies he says, “The vampire thing always works for some reason. Always works,” the filmmaker told GQ. “I happen to like vampires more than zombies.” Why, you ask? “Well, a vampire, quite honestly, you could have a conversation with. He has a sexuality. I mean the undead thing … Zombies, what are you going to do with them? Just keep chopping them up, shooting at them, shooting at them.” But who the hell wants to talk to sparkle-chested, undead goof balls running around plucking shruggy girls from their dreary towns? What kind of life is that trying to make some chick smile all the time and never, ever drinking her blood? At least zombies have a bit of fun chomping on brains until the dude with the shotgun takes him out. STFU, Marty Scorsese! [Vulture]
