Fox News continues to promote monsters; ABC perhaps doesn’t dole out their suck fairly; the star from Sparta arises; TLC needs a padded room; old grumpy dudes get hangovers; Netflix causes hilarious meltdowns in entertainment; Ryan Seacrest reflects on Dick Clark; Kimye is not Beyonce or something like that.
Yuck. Get the eye bleach — and use it on your entire body. Shout wagon, Fox News, is finalizing new deals with their head obnoxious, shitbag minotaurs, Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity. The two are negotiating multi-year, multi-million dollar agreements, because we’re not killing the planet fast enough, so we now need to pay these two jackalopes to do it for us. Both terrible mouth scabs, O’Reilly and Hannity, have been with Fox News Channel since its launch in October 1996, the year cable news became stupid. So that’s great. That’s not like hearing that a pestilent virus has settled into your body and plans to infect you with botulism. Thanks, Fox! [Deadline]
Did you know that two black men attempted to become bachelors on ABC’s phony dating show, The Bachelor? Well, of course you didn’t. In 23 seasons not once has the show’s eclectic mix ever included a Bachelor or Bachelorette who is a person of color. This is what football players Nathaniel Claybrooks and Christopher Johnson contend in their lawsuit filed against the network. The two auditioned and never heard back from the show, and claim their interviews were shorter than their white counterparts. Hmm, well, that’s interesting. If proven, for shame ABC. Also, what a lost opportunity for ABC to be forward thinking and ahead of the network game. Have they not noticed the success Bravo has had with a certain demographic that has proven to appeal across color lines? Shortsighted, ABC. The bigger questions are 1) how fast will Andy Cohen call these guys, and 2) really, dudes, The Bachelor? That show sucks, but we get it. [Deadline]
Oh, ho! Isn’t it nice when we hear about the comeback of former big movie stars who’ve made a series of crap movies after their big screen break, and have since been shunted into the doldrums of near Hollywood anonymity except for the occasional bloated beach pic — and then he or she climbs their way back to superstardom once again? Well, this is what’s happening to Gerard Butler of Sparta. He’s in negotiations to star in an action thriller called Manhunt, about gay dating. No, it’s about a team of FBI agents sent to the North Carolina wilderness to chase the FBI’s most wanted man, so The Fugitive with Red Capes, then? Ok, maybe not. But this will be Butler’s road back, right? Ok, maybe not. So far he’s the only big name mentioned in this film so far, so we can only assume his co-star will likely be Pauly Shore or someone like that. Here’s to hoping we’re wrong, Gerry! [Deadline]
TLC, the network that studies insanity and then splatters it across your television, has ordered a second season of My Crazy Obsession. So this sounds like watching a train slowly derail and then ram into a ditch, yes? The show follows people who obsess about objects, celebrities, lifestyles, swamp men, space Jabbas, donkeys, you name it! The first season showcased a couple who owned 5,000 Cabbage Patch Kids, a 31-year-old man living as an adult “baby” and a woman with dozens of carrot tattoos. Yeaaah, er, ah, ok. So when watching you should have your DSM guide of mental disorders handy, just in case you need to play “Spot that Affliction?” Sensational. TLC has done wonders for television. We can’t wait until they unveil their new show, “Things Even We Think Are Nuts.” Prepare for people who are married to sharks, and the lady who lives in a house made of beans. Whatever. [THR]
Apparently Michael Douglas and Robert De Niro have reached the Bucket List days of their movie careers. Both will be starring in a comedy called Last Vegas about two oldsters who both fall for the same “girl.” Grumpy Old Men or some such, yes? Well, okay, then. We’re never tired of hearing about the libidos of near geriatrics. Lay it on us! Wait. What? It’s also being hailed as The Hangover for the olds – four men of a certain age gather in Vegas for a bachelor party. Oh, we don’t like this. No, we don’t like this at all. Have they seen The Hangover? There’s like monkeys and tattoos, and random Ken Jeong penis. This is not what we think of when we hear Michael Douglas and Robert De Niro, but it could be fun! Maybe. There’s got to be at least one Celine Dion joke, and something about all the shrimp you can eat, right? It’s Vegas, baby. [Vulture]
So the whole cast of Arrested Development will be returning for a few episodes airing only on Netflix. When did Netflix become a television network? No matter! Arrested Development is coming! There is however one catch, Netflix head honcho, Ted Sarandos says all ten episodes will all premiere on a single day. Television bloggers’ heads just exploded. How will anyone recap? Where’s the anticipation? Will everyone just watch them all in one sitting with a cat on their lap and burritos in their stomachs? Some are also grousing about Twitter and no way to take advantage of some kind of #ArrestedAwesome hashtag per episode we suppose? Twitter rules the world. This is like anarchy. Haha. Getting what you want is hell! Just hell! Figure it out, rubes. Whatever you do, remember to say “SPOILERS!” or your fans will burn you alive. [Vulture]
Nimble, thimble-person, Ryan Seacrest has spoken about the passing of idol, Dick Clark. Says he, “I am deeply saddened by the loss of my dear friend Dick Clark. He has truly been one of the greatest influences in my life. I idolized him from the start, and I was graced early on in my career with his generous advice and counsel. When I joined his show in 2006, it was a dream come true to work with him every New Year’s Eve for the last 6 years. He was smart, charming, funny and always a true gentleman. I learned a great deal from him, and I’ll always be indebted to him for his faith and support of me. He was a remarkable host and businessman and left a rich legacy to television audiences around the world. We will all miss him.” Okay, so don’t mar his legacy by being an insufferable jerkface. Start today, Seacrest. We’d ask you to rid the world of Kardashians, but we know they’ve stolen your magic hair gel, so now it’s impossible due to your weakened state. Just don’t mess up Rockin Eve! [THR]
Today in Kanye musings: Of Kim Kardashian, “There are a lot of media inaccuracies surrounding this past couple of weeks, especially the ‘She’s my Beyonce’ quote. I would never compare anyone to my friend’s wife.” He continues, “If I don’t say something in a rap or on Twitter, it’s not true.” Rules to live by. [Vulture]
