Hi zombies! I mean readers! Now where did we leave off last week? Oh right. Ranger Rick just killed Random Guy One and Random Guy Two, who would’ve/could’ve/should’ve been the most interesting characters on the show, while Shane and Blondie had a zombie bonfire. There’s also some chick in sticker shock at the price of barn zombies, and Lori crashed her car so she may be dead and/or not pregnant. So. Are they finally going to get off of the farm? Let’s find out, shall we?
Suddenly, it’s nighttime in Grover’s Corners. The two bodies have just hit the floor in the bar, and Hershel gives Rick and Glenn a nod, which I think means, “You two are okay with me, thanks for shooting the bad guys and everything, so who wants a drink? Bartender? Make mine a double.” Not so fast with the drinks, boys, there’s a car outside and three men are looking for their dead friends.
Meanwhile, a zombie is eating its way through the windshield of Lori’s car. Go, zombie! Yes! Eat her face off! She’s scrambling to get away, but the zombie burst through the glass and has her by the hair. Lori stabs it in the head with a…something? Something stabby. Maybe a letter opener, because who doesn’t keep a letter opener in the car? Oh look, she’s fine. Not a scratch on her and zombie attack from the back! She’s fighting, she’s crawling, she hits it in he head with a hubcap. I’m rooting for the zombies, but you know what? I’m also rooting for the show because this is how you make a zombie flick. Lori grabs a gun from the car and finishes off the zombie with a bullet in its head. Zombie kills: 2.
Back at the farm, it’s all sitting around the dinner table, grousing about, “They should’ve been back by now,” and everyone suddenly realizes that Lori’s not there. Ha, they’re forming a search party for Lori. Hey Lori, if you see a small girl while you’re out there….
Rick, Glenn and Hershel are trapped in the bar as three men with New Yorkish accents zero in on their location. Shots are fired, and Rick comes up with a plan to get everyone out of there. He wants Glenn, the Human Sacrifice, to run for the car while the old drunk guy covers him. This works reasonably well for about two seconds, and then someone shoots at Glenn, Hershel shoots another guy in the leg, and Glenn hides behind a dumpster. A car pulls up and the driver implores a guy on the roof of the building to jump. There are walkers everywhere so they have to go now. The man jumps and misses, and the car drives off just as the walkers arrive and start eating the face off of the man Hershel shot in the leg. Zombie chomps: 1.
Rick runs over to the man who jumped off of the roof and finds him on top of a dumpster with his leg impaled on a fence. He wants to help him, but the zombies are headed right for them. Hershel decides to amputate the man’s leg, because major surgery is quick and easy and always a good idea in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. But the walkers are coming in fast, and even with Glenn and Rick shooting at them like fish in a barrel, there are too many for the two of them to handle. Rick, always the hero, uses a crazy burst of adrenaline to yank the leg off of the fence and carry the man towards the car. Zombie kills: so many that I lost track.
Lori is walking along the road and crap crap crap, Shane finds her. She doesn’t want to go back because Rick is still out there, so Shane lies and tells her that they’re all back at the farm safe and sound. Good one, Shane. She’s really going to appreciate yet another lie about her husband’s life.
Poor Man’s Jamie Lee Curtis finds Formerly Racist Redneck’s Museum Of Zombie Body Parts. He turns mean, and she just stands there, letting him rant. There’s a weird sexual tension between these two which I hope never plays out on camera.
When Lori and Shane return to the farm, she learns that Rick is not back yet. Shane blurts out that he had to make sure Lori and the baby were alright, which is really kind of awkward because it might actually be Shane’s kid, and Carl, who is becoming super duper creepy, didn’t know that his mother was pregnant. I’m getting the impression that Shane would be happier if Rick never returned. Oh ha, Carl wants to name the baby Sophia if it’s a girl, and Otis if it’s a boy.
The next morning, Rick, Glenn, and Hershel return from the bar unharmed. Black Guy points at the car and asks, “Who the hell is that?” Glenn explains that it’s some guy named Randall. They plan to patch him up and send him on his way, but there are valid concerns that Randall’s friends will come looking for him, and that Randall will be able to lead said friend back to the farm.
Glenn and Maggie have a private moment, where Glenn explains that Hershel saved his life, and then Rick saved both of their lives, but all he did was freeze up and hide behind a dumpster. He blames his own cowardice on Maggie because he hid to stay alive for her, and that’s bad for overall survival in the zombie apocalypse. But Glenn, without love, what’s the point?
Shane and Blondie have their own heart-to-heart. Shane says he should’ve left with Blondie when he had the chance, because nobody else knows how to survive. If they stick around, the group’s bad decisions are going to get them killed. I hope this means that at least these two have the good sense to leave the damned farm.
Rick and Lori get naked in a tent in a very unsexy way. She uses Naked Time to talk about Shane. She tells Rick that Shane thinks the baby’s his, but no matter what, it’s Rick’s child. Rick says that he’ll accept that, because there is no Maury Povich Show to prove otherwise. Lori confesses that she is afraid of Shane. She thinks he’ll do something crazy, and may actually be plotting to kill Rick. Spooky music plays in the background, aaaaand scene!
So that’s it. What did you think? A good beginning, but a lousy ending? Do you think they’ll ever get away from the farm? And what kind of car was Lori driving? Because it had some truly amazing safety features.
Photo: Flickr
