Have you ever wondered how the average moron uses Facebook? I always have. Then I found the answer — a Facebook Page with a name that only an illiterate teenage baby mama could have come up with: Gr8 ppl, Gr8 thoughts.
In case you wondered, there are no “Gr8 ppl” involved with project in any way. This is where the kind of people who use Comic Sans (unironically) go when they need a new, dumb thing to spray all over their already-moronical news feed.
Basically the entire page is devoted to images of Stuart Smalley-esque platitudes written in terrible English. I just destroyed a few million brain cells so that I could bring you a few of my favorite motivational Facebook pictures. Enjoy, fuckos.
Why this is bullshit:
First of all, does this count as an open letter? I hate open letters. An open letter is a pretentious bag of shit addressed to someone who will never read it but written in a way that panders to as many impressionable yokels as possible . So will God read your message in the sand? OF COURSE HE WILL. But it’s written in the sand at Wildwood probably, so Drunk Snooki will also read it (and maybe probably pee on it). Therefore it COUNTS as an open letter.
Also, only people who have never read the Old Testament believe God loves them unconditionally. Someone is just aksin askin’ to be smited like those uppity Philistines.
Why this is bullshit:
A friend forgetting to wish you happy birthday is definitely not one of the four most painful moments in life. The four most painful moments in life are:
- Waking up in a Krispy Kreme store.
- Being stabbed by a carny.
- Stumbling upon the porn video that mom appeared in back before you were born.
- Jenkem hangover.
Why this is bullshit:
You know which of life’s tricky situations Jesus can’t really help you out of? WHEN YOU’RE ACTUALLY FUCKING DROWNING. Get your damn kids over to the YMCA for swim lessons, Christians! Don’t just keep giving them water wings when they’re 15 coddamn years old.
Why this is bullshit:
This image is disturbing to me because the “Confucius say”-esque flouting of grammar rules tells me it was clearly written by a low-wage Chinese worker. Americans are so dumbed down by our nightly ritual of Faygo, hobo beans (now with more nitrates!) and Dance Moms that we now have to outsource the production of our retarded pablum to foreigners. Disturbing. I hope President Gingrich brings this industry back to our shores.
Why this is bullshit:
This is stupid. He’s God. He can answer however the fuck he wants. Like Baby, nobody puts him in the corner. For example in Numbers 11 when Moses (God’s original high-maintenance follower) asked whether the Lord was really going to hook up the Israelites like he promised he would, God answered with “Is the Lord’s arm too short?” So basically, God reserves the right to answer your stupid fucking question with an equally sarcastic remark. He’s snarky like that.
