Yes, so, it comes down to this. Are we excited about tonight’s outcome? Yes! Either Romney, or one of these people who’ve seen a surge in their popularity for the simple reason of not being Mitt Romney could walk away with the whole she-bang! What will they get at the end of the night? Nothing, really, because soon they’ll have to battle it out in New Hampshire. And let’s not forget that Mike Huckabee won this thing in 2008 and didn’t get the nomination, so really all that matters is who drops out of the race tomorrow, right? Right.
Let’s see who’ll move to the semi-finals of the GOP Beauty Pageant. Oh, maybe they’ll get to go into the soundproof question booth after the swimsuit competition!
9:50 Right now with 27% reporting in
Romney 23%
Santorum 23%
Paul 23%
Gingrich 13%
Perry 10%
Bachmann 6%
Huntsman 1%
I’m calling that the first to drop out has just got to be Huntsman. Crikey! Did he even campaign in Iowa?
9:52 Over on CNN, Wolf is talking to people voting for Ron Paul, yes, we’re filling up time, by talking to random people, and oops, CNN had a glitch, so forget about that man on the street crap! Moving on to another pundit asking about Romney’s chances, and basically Sen. John Thune (R) South Dakota thinks this could be Romney’s ball game, even though the Repubs aren’t totally sure Romney isn’t a droid sent to mine our world of Unobtainium.
9:58 Fox News is saying some weird magical bullshit about no one really winning tonight, and it will all be decided really a week from now. Heh. Whatever!
10:00
Romney 24%
Santorum 24%
Paul 23%
Gingrich 13%
Perry 10%
Bachmann 6%
Huntsman 1%
10:04 Sarah Palin looks horrible. She’s of course playing coy and not naming who she would potentially endorse. ALSO WHAT THE HELL IS ON HER CHEST? She’s also hedging a bit around Bachmann and whether or not she should drop out. She ends by basically saying “Yeah, Bachmann, go on back to Congress and do all that little doohickey stuff you do down there in the Warshington, DC.” Again, this is the worst she’s ever looked. The Aquanet made a bit of a grassy mess of her bump-a-dump thing on her head.
10:08 Now Fox is talking to poor losing Rick Perry, they’re basically asking if he’s ready to endorse anyone else because YOU ARE OUT OF THE RACE, YOU DUMB, THOUGHTLESS HUSK! Hilariously he ends by saying that he plans to go to South Carolina tomorrow. Someone give him a cookie for playing.
10:13: David Gregory, annoying, boring person from Meet the Press says the most obvious thing …that evangelicals don’t like Mitt Romney, because he’s a shellacked-haired alien Mormon.
10:16
Romney 24%
Santorum 24%
Paul 22%
Gingrich 13%
Perry 10%
Bachmann 6%
Huntsman 1%
10:21 CNN is giving the eulogy for Michelle Bachmann by pointing out that she didn’t win any counties in her home state of Iowa, WOW, THAT SUCKS, MICHELLE. OH HOW YOU HAVE FALLEN. and now John King, and Anderson Cooper are playing with their, uh, maps.
10:26 With half of the vote in, Fox news is now calling Gingrich in fourth place and Perry in fifth, which is kind of like getting one of those “everybody played” little league trophies.
10:40 MSNBC just spent five minutes reporting that based on the pacing of the results they’re not seeing a huge voter surge…definitely not one that would say Republicans are rushing to take the country back from Obama. They’ve asked three times about the voters: WHERE ARE THEY?
Here’s your answer:
10:50
Romney 25%
Santorum 25%
Paul 21%
Big News: NBC is predicting that Ron Paul will come in third, so that means this race comes down to The Bicentennial Man, Mitt Romney and Porn Star Emollient, Rick Santorum.
Seriously! How is Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney tied right now? Santorum? Really Santorum? That dude was practically answering questions from his car at the last debate! This is the craziest thing that’s happened since Herman Cain exploded into a pile of mistresses! This is literally like watching Sister Wives. Everybody gets to be married to the GOP at some point. YOU GUYS KNOW YOU CAN ONLY PICK ONE PERSON, RIGHT? RIGHT?!
11:08 Ron Paul is speaking and I’m sorry I only ever hear someone who should really be in slippers and warm pajamas waiting for some warm milk. He’s 76. If he gets the nomination it will be John McCain’s “heartbeat away from the presidency” discussion again whenever he picks a running mate. Now he’s just rambling. “No, Ron, I don’t want to read the latest issue of Bait & Tackle.” He’s getting geared up for New Hampshire…there’s an Early Bird Special to die for at Perkins…no, not really. He’s talking about winning the next caucus, or runny eggs. No, seriously! I’ll stop.
11:18 Oh, great blubbering Jabba. It seems Newt may be going to New Hampshire. He’s talking about debates, and oooo, he’s now picking on Paul, since he’s in reach I guess. Why would you not try and take on the top two contenders? Are you now campaigning for third place, Newt? MSNBC’s commentary says that Gingrich has effectively endorsed Rick Santorum, and has plans to take both Ron Paul and Mitt Romney apart in the next debate, even though he knows he won’t win. So basically a hired gun for Santorum? Hmmm, what will he want in return? Running Mate?
11:33 Crazy eyes Bachmann is giving her speech…AND she’s reading. She’s also not saying anything of substance. “I’m not a politician.” Um, okay. You’re totally a politician who works in Congress. Shut it, Shelly. LIBRUL SOCIALIST! LIBRUL REIGN! WE NEED RONALD REAGAN DESPITE HIS BEING DEAD!
Big News: 96% of precincts reporting. Santorum leads Romney by 79 votes.
11:58 Ok. Perry is probably going to drop out. He’s put out there that he’s going to return to Texas and assess if there is any reason to continue, to which we can all give a resounding NO. And well, that’s interesting, because out of all these crazy, nutbags, Perry had the best chance of being that thing all the Republicans were looking for in their search for the anti-Romney. On paper he had it all, except well, he’s an idiot. This isn’t always a GOP road block, but for some reason, his level of stupid was just too much to take. So, let’s take a minute to pour one out for Rick Perry, because debates won’t be nearly as fun without him.
12:04 With 97% of precincts reporting, Santorum is ahead by 37 votes.
The big question is does this mean anything or does it really just mean Santorum is the kid with the shiny new bike, but well, you know, once Romney gets that new Schwinn…all bets may be off.
12:22 Santorum’s story of his family’s immigration juxtaposed with everything he’s said about other races is obscene. Oh, and Santorum, you’ve had the night you’ve had by default. There is literally nothing better in the GOP field.
LET THE MEDIA VETTING OF SANTORUM BEGIN so sayeth The Lord.
12:45 Romney is still pathetically boring when he speaks. There is literally no heart or soul in what he says. He’s a billboard. Oh, no. He’s doing America the Beautiful Karaoke. Where’s my gun? We must destroy Skynet.
1:05 Okay, kiddies, it’s after 1:00am, and we’re down to a handful of votes. I’M CALLING THIS WHOLE THING AN ALMOST TIE AND SANTOROMNEY HAS WON. I’ll update the post later, like after I wake up, when a final winner is named. Thanks everyone for participating!
MITTENS ROMNEY BEAT SANTORUM BY EIGHT VOTES IN THE RACE TO BECOME THE KING OF ALL MEDIOCRE LEADERS, WELL, OF THOSE WHO VOTED IN IOWA LAST NIGHT. BASICALLY, REPUBLICANS HAVE NO IDEA WHO TO VOTE FOR SINCE RICK SANTORUM IS NOW THE GOP’S LAST, BEST HOPE.
