And we’re back! Please be chock full o’zombies, please be chock full o’zombies, please be chock full o’zombies.
We open with Lori and Carl at the chicken coops, where Lori throwing chicken feed at Carl. He seems fully recovered yet unnaturally pale. Carl observes that “everything’s food for something else.” So true, Carl. You are no longer the top of the food chain. The camera cuts to Mrs. Hershel in a dark corner of the chicken coop. She breaks a chicken’s legs and stuffs it into a burlap sack. We then see her bringing a wheelbarrow full of broken-legged chickens to the zombie barn. She dumps them on the ground for a zombie feeding frenzy, and we are all secretly disappointed that it’s only chickens.
Glenn is watching the barn through binoculars. Maggie chastises him for being obvious and gives him fruit and jerky to buy his silence. Glenn fesses up that he is a terrible liar, but Maggie begs him to keep quiet about the ombiezay in the arnsbay. I’m thinking she has…better things that she could bribe him with, but hey. Jerky’s good, too.
Oh for the love of all things good in this world, why? WHY? Rick’s setting up another search party for that goddamned kid! No. No, no, no, no, NO!
Two new blondies ask Shane and Rick for gun training. Carl wants to learn to shoot, too. It’s like an episode of Oprah—YOU get a gun! YOU get a gun! Everybody gets a gun! Lori’s uncomfortable with Carl shooting things, but Rick is pro-pew-pew-pew. Lori relents, and Shane gets his first customer for the new Shooting Range And Zombie Killin’ School he just opened down the road a ways. And, despite missing Reformed Racist Redneck’s head, Blondie is an excellent shot.
Glenn tells Old Guy about the hootenanny in the barn AND Lori’s pregnancy. Jeez Glenn, you really can’t keep a secret. Old Guy confronts Hershel about the walkers in the barn. Hershel says that they don’t shoot sick people. Old Guy tries to explain that walkers are dangerous and they’re not people. Hershel explains that his wife and stepson are in that barn and “they’re people.” Tomato, tomah-to. Old Guy then says he’ll talk to Rick so that they can find a way to keep the barns more secure, but Hershel is not so sure that everyone will understand so he asks Old Guy to keep it to himself.
After everyone comes back from Shootin’ School, Lori talks to Hershel. She thanks him and says that they’ll do their best to earn their keep. Hershel explains that with Carl feeling better, he expects them to move on soon.
Since Blondie was so good at shooting bottles off of fences, Shane signs her up for some private lessons so that he can teach her shoot moving targets. But, she sucks. She’s an awful shot. It’s a giant log swinging from a tree about ten feet in front of her and she misses five times. Shane is acting like an Olympic figuring skating coach right before the qualifying meet, forcing his protégé to do the umpteenth Triple Salchow. It’s all just much for Blondie, so she walks off the ice. Later we see Blondie strutting down the road, and Shane pulls up in his sweet ride. He says he’ll give her a lift and apologizes for being a jerk back at the ice rink. He says he has a lead on that stupid kid and wants her to be his backup. Seriously? A lead on the stupid kid? What lead could you possibly have, Shane?
Lori confronts Rick about Hershel’s eviction notice. She’s freaking out and tells him to fix it. He says the best thing to do is to give Hershel some space. Lori tells him she doesn’t understand how he could have kept this kind of secret from her. Cough, cough, hypocrite.
Next we see Lori in the food tent, nauseous because of the behbeh in her belleh. Old Guy notices and starts in on a rambling speech about his wife being pregnant. I love the way Old Guy is pretending to be so insightful when in reality he only knows what’s going on because Glenn filled him in on the gossip. Lori tells Old Guy that she hasn’t told Rick, and Old Guy is all, “Because of Shane?” Ha ha, you thought you were being all slick but EVERYBODY knows you were sleeping with the hot(ter) officer.
Glenn’s freaking out on Lori because she’s too skinny for a pregnant chick. After some thought, Lori asks Glenn to make a run into town for her. Maggie joins him on the pharmacy run and they clip-clop away on horseback. She’s pissed at Glenn because he told Old Guy about the barn zombies. They’re all friends and family in that barn, you see? Not dangerous at all, just a little out of sorts. Glenn tells Maggie that Lori’s pregnant, which annoys her just a little too much. What’s the matter, Maggie? Gonna feed the behbeh to the zombeh? Yet again, instead of taking all of the meds, they’re picking through the inventory for one specific bottle of pills.
PHARMACY ZOMBIE!! It’s got Maggie by the wrist. Glenn grabs a shelf (smart! I would’ve never thought to grab a shelf!) and smashes it in the head, but it gets back up and Rrrrwwwwaaarrrr, it’s head is hanging on by a tendon! Glenn grabs his Ronco stabby knife slicer and hacks the zombie to pieces. Then, they hug it out (Glenn and Maggie, not Glenn and the zombie).
When Glenn and Maggie get back to the farm, Maggie is piiiiiiisssed at Lori for making them go into town. She threw a handful of morning after pills on the ground, came *thisclose* to calling Lori a slore, and stormed off to a field where…she starts making out with Glenn. Maggie tells it to him straight—his crew doesn’t care about him. Walker in the well? Send Glenn down. Need something from town? Glenn will get it. She’s not wrong, but still, that’s harsh.
Shane and Blondie drive into some random suburbs to look for the stupid kid in an abandoned house. Just a random house. Why this house? Don’t know. Perhaps they smelled the room full of rotting corpses and thought, “Yes a twelve-year-old girl would most likely take up residence right here in this cozy, stinky abode.”
Aaaaand…WALKERS!!! LOTS OF ‘EM! They’re moving in from all sides, and Blondie SUCKS at shooting zombies. Béla Károlyi begs her to focus, but Blondie’s having trouble with the dismount. The zombies are shuffling towards them, they’re getting closer…boom! Blondie’s got the hang of it. She shoots them in the head, each and every one. Shane and Blondie get in the car and drive back to the farm. When they’re on an empty road, Blondie up and grabs Shane’s crotch! He stops the car and says, “Come on in.” Nice! Blondie climbs aboard the Shane Train and DAMMIT THEY CUT TO A COMMERCIAL!
Back at the farm, Glenn finds Lori in her tent and explains that Maggie was upset because she was attacked at the pharmacy. Lori apologizes, but Glenn says it’s cool, that he’s always there for her. Along with the Plan B pills, he got her prenatal vitamins. She now has a choice to make. He suggests that maybe Lori should discuss it with Rick. Or Shane. Or anyone else she may have slept with. After he leaves, Lori busts open the Plan B pills, pops a handful, and runs off into the woods to puke them back up. Great. It’s not like Glenn and Maggie risked their lives for those pills or anything.
The sexiest couple in Zombietown return and tell The Poor Man’s Jamie Lee Curtis that they didn’t find the kid but they’ll try again tomorrow. Yeah. I’m sure you’ll keep trying again and again and ag—oh right, where were we? Old Guy sees the “I just had sex” look on Blondie’s face and confronts Shane. He wants Shane to leave. Take the car and go. He says that he knows what kind of man Shane is because he was there the night Shane almost shot Rick. Shane says that Rick is his best friend, so if Old Guy thinks he’d do that to his best friend, imagine what he’d do to some guy he doesn’t even like who starts throwing accusations his way. That’s an excellent point, Shane.
Rick finds the wrappers for Lori’s pills in the tent. This confirms that Lori is a moron. He tracks Lori down at The Talkin’ Fence and is pissed that she didn’t tell him about the pregnancy. Lots of crying, lots of angry looks from Rick, “We could make it work, we’ll figure it out.” Oh for crying out loud, is there anyone who cares about this storyline? No, there is not. Uh oh, Rick wants to know if there’s anything else she needs to tell him, and Lori says, “Shane and I….” Rick says that he already knows. “The world went to shit and you thought I was dead, right?” I have to say, he’s taking this news fairly well. Between Rick finally learning the truth and Shane banging Blondie, I am hoping we can finally put the Shane-Lori-Rick love triangle to bed.
And that’s it, folks. We got some zombies, but nobody was chomped. I guess there’s always next week, when our group of misfits addresses the barn full of walkers and Rick begs Hershel to let them stay.
