Zombies will never die…well, duh; Republicans want Hollywood to like them, or well, just anybody; NBC attempts to copy Fox’s test answers; Tom Cruise to act his life story; and Chuck Lorre wants you to feel his pain.
Today’s Hollywood dish needs brains.
Zombies in your living room, now on a movie screen: You know what’s been really successful lately? Movies that come from video games. Why, we were extra impressed by Jake Gyllennhaal’s performance as a British Persian (Awesome accent there, Jakey!) with a spray tan, a wig, and a slew of one-liner toddler inspired jokes in that movie slice of crap cheesecake called Prince of Persia. Yup, this whole adapting video games to movies thing doesn’t need any work at all. It’s all Mark Whalberg as Max Payne doing some sort of stupid film noir abomination with his wooden acting and dead eyeballs looking at a camera and scowling because that’s what he does in nearly every movie. So what’s next? Lionsgate apparently won some sort of lottery, or bout of cholera, and has secured the rights to the newly released Dead Island video game about a bunch of vacationers trapped on an island filled with zombies. Zombies you say?! Yes, zombies, because only one other thing this year hasn’t been about zombies and that’s stealing the essence of Mad Men and making television C.H.U.D.s out of the successful series in the form of even more shows about the 1960’s. [Deadline]
You Zombies are Horrible At Your Job!: Oh, ho! What could be worse than the idea of yet another movie about zombies, but a really old and tired zombie movie corpse using its dried intestines to shuffle along a Hollywood set caught in a silent scream because someone just won’t stop making it walk around. There should be some sort of union. The corpse of which I speak is the Resident Evil franchise. Apparently, to our collective horror, there will be a fifth installment. Just what?! Is that Alice person not a zombie yet? Is she some sort of magic droid/Burmese tabby cat with like 9,000 lives? There’s no good earthly reason why we need five Resident Evil movies. If the entire Resident Evil world hasn’t been devoured by zombies at this point, just nuke that fucker from space right, Ripley? Anyway, Michelle Rodriguez, who I guess can’t really find a new fighter pilot job in Pandora until 2015, has signed on to do something in the next one of these things, where we imagine her job will be to use silly putty to attach Milla Jovovich’s arms back on after the ninety billionth zombie eats it off. [Deadline]
Soul Pizza Gets Endorsement From Bordello of Blood Actor: Well, it’s that time. The presidential field is starting to narrow (Not really. Everyone is still waiting to see what Chris ‘Governor Free Helicopter and Hoagies’ Christie is going to do) but nonetheless, the rest are courting Hollywood and hoping for some star-studded endorsements! The leader of the pack is currently Herman Cain who managed to snag Dennis Miller! Well, wait. I’m not sure Dennis Miller is really the leader of the Hollywood pack. He’s kind of like the leader of a pack of jerks, who say “dude” like an asshole while hating a lot of things, in addition to hanging out with Bill O’Reilly, and doing some sort of radio show where he probably talks about Obamacare, socialism, lady wombs, and all other manner of non Bordello of Blood things (never letting you forget that, Dennis.) But Miller is no magic indicator of Republican success. Apparently, Donald Trump (reality star) has that honor. He’s some sort of nominee bridge troll. If you’re a Republican candidate you just can’t go forth and build immigrant fences unless you break bread with the hair monster. Romney met with Trump yesterday, Rick Perry already dined in high style with the real estate baron, Bachmann visited his penthouse and felt woozy from the proximity to heaven, and Palin (if we can count her) married her mouth to a slice of pizza in “The Donald’s” presence. Hey, Santorum, Gingrich, Huntsman, and Paul…you guys better get on it! There’s only so much pale baldness to be kissed before Donald combs over that golden halo of ass hair on his head, and then you’re out of luck! [Deadline]
Hey New Girl, NBC Is Trying to Steal Your MoJo!: NBC, who hasn’t had an original idea since 1990, is taking their streak of “things other people have done better, but now we want to try it ” and offering video streaming to their viewers. After the network witnessed the success of Fox’s New Girl premiere on iTunes and Hulu before the show aired, NBC now wants to try it with their shows Up All Night (because there may be some people who’ll enjoy this) and Whitney (no one at all will enjoy this). Fox’s New Girl managed to blow through the ratings using this tactic. Thievers and otherwise horner-inners, NBC, is hoping the same tactic will work for these two shows. WELL, NOW IT WON’T, NBC! You know why? Because just like if we were in high school and your lab partner Fox did all the work and you just sat home eating Honey Comb cereal, watching Jake and the Fat Man, and putting multi-colored laces in your LA Gear sneakers, you won’t get any credit when it’s presentation time. We already know your game, NBC. You’re a cheater, and cheaters never win. That’s not true. But seriously, get your own gimmick, dweebs. [Deadline]
Don’t Look, Jessica, It’s a Spaceship to Xenu!: New Hollywood ingénue Jessica Chastain who’s been lauded for her work in Terrence Malick’s, Tree of Life, will co-star with Master Chaplain of Alien Life forms and Age Acceleration on the Planet of Xenu, Tom “Level Fifty Key Holder” Cruise. The short man-bot will star in a sci-fi action adventure tentatively called Horizons about “the last man on Earth who patrols and blasts predatory aliens until he discovers a beautiful intruder who makes him question his role on Earth, which has become a practically uninhabitable place.” I’m sorry, is this actually what happens on Xenu? Somehow I think so. I also think Jessica should watch out. I think the Master Chaplain has an affinity for microchip implants…but they’re often faulty. When the wearer shows up to award shows, you can hear them malfunctioning during the broadcast. Anyway, that’s happening in the world of Tom Cruise. Eric Bana is also doing some acting things. He’ll star in something called Brilliant, a thriller about a small-time crook who joins a bunch of accomplished thieves on a diamond heist. So the Man Inside the Italian Job’s Ocean then? Fantastic. Hey, Eric Bana, I hated Hanna so maybe stop doing these movies or whatever![Deadline]
Chuck Lorre Should Have a Vanity Card Business!: So, we’ve all heard the stories about Chuck Lorre being a bit of a lunatic. We also know for a fact that Charlie Sheen is a lunatic. Was it really all that surprising that these two would clash at some point? No, not at all. But apparently after the near implosion of America’s favorite laugh-track sitcom, things are finally a lot better. DID YOU GUYS SIGH WITH RELIEF?! Everyone comes out a winner. The legal issues are resolved. Ashton Kutcher came down on a missile fueled with scraggly man patchouli, shaved pectorals, mediocre movie gravitas, and saved the damn show about single men living together and farting, singing, and cooking meat pies or whatever single men in their forties do when they share a bathroom. So all good things right? Well, no, not really. Apparently Lorre suffered crippling trauma during the whole episode. He states that “Somewhere along the way, something inside me died.” Really? Lorre, are you sure you don’t write dramas on CBS, because that’s way over dramatic, buddy. Your pampered star with a long and storied history of drug and alcohol abuse had a fantastic meltdown and ended up aiming his drug filled haze of anger and opiates at you and your network! Yah, you couldn’t tell this would happen one day? You know, in that succession of days when he was just mildly nuts and trashing hotel rooms? Anyway, you drama queen, get over it. Apparently, Lorre plans to do just that and is hinting that maybe he’ll write a tell all book about it all. Sheesh. Why? Who cares. Whatever. What he really should do is publish a collection of his insane vanity cards. You know those things that flash after each show episode. Here’s the one from last night in its entirety.
CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #351
Sometime last year I realized I had become the unwilling contestant in a reality show. I didn’t understand the rules, wasn’t sure if there even were any, and pretty much hated every second of it. For many months I kept hoping and praying that it would end. But it did not. Somewhere along the way, something inside me died. Anyway, now, suddenly, I’m being told that the reality show’s been cancelled. Apparently, it was just one of those things that somehow got out of control. Sorry. Whoops. Live and learn. Moving on. Game over. And that’s fine. I am so good with that. Yes, please, let’s all move on. There’s just one problem. That thing inside me that died? It walks at night. It’s angry. It’s hungry. And worst of all…it’s writing a tell-all book.
Uh, huh. Sure. Maybe you can rub some millions of dollars on your hurt pride. That should fix the boo-boo. [Deadline]
