More sex on your teevee — well, you asked for it. The return of an SNL icon, or maybe just some guy who freezes under the spell of Kanye West. Johnny Depp won’t be eating beans by a fire, romantic comedies need more ice cream, what you won’t be watching next year, and action stars don’t age… they ripen. Mostly.
You love Hollywood dish more than your shoes.
Sex Coming Back To Your City… Weekly?: Well, what do you do when you fall off the uh, horse, um camel? You get back up and put on your Carrie name plate and do it all again, but this time on television! The Daily Mail reports that Sarah Jessica Parker is in talks to produce Sex and the City for television once again, putting on hold plans for a prequel starring Blake Lively and Emma Roberts. After a bad reaction to Sex and the City 2: Liza Minnelli Embarrasses Beyoncé Forever, Parker is film shy of doing another SATC movie, and would prefer a revitalized series to ramp up appeal. So, are we prepared for more Hormone Replacement Therapy jokes, the battles of Big and Carrie, rattling around their penthouse apartment eating take-out, the possibility of a return from Fat Aidan, and maybe more of Charlotte pooping her pants? Well, I would say never! But then every attempt at capturing this lightening in a bottle on other networks has proven ridiculous, so maybe a new generation wants to learn more about orgasms over 40.
It’s Gagadelic, Baby!: Remember Mike Myers, you know the co-star of all those Wayne’s World non-funny things before becoming a man rendered stunned and inert whilst Kanye West blurted his critique of President Bush on national television, yeah, that guy! Well, we haven’t seen him since he did some nonsense thing called The Love Guru, and rightfully so. Anyway, he’s now in talks to revive the one other Mike Meyers franchise that was all the rage in the late 1990’s. It’s possible there will be an Austin Powers 4. Why, you ask? Well, just why the hell not! It’s been nearly ten years since the last one and aren’t you wondering what’s been up with Dr. Evil, his son Scotty, and Fat Bastard? Even ironically, like you were sitting in some hipster bowling alley drinking microbrews and talking about all those great fun movies of the recent past and how “$1 MILLION DOLLARS” and “MINI-ME” was so farking funny that you almost shot beer out your nose and onto Anna Beth’s hipster clothes-rags? No? That’s not what you think? You mostly think this is a stupid idea? Okay, yes, well, you’re right. [Deadline]
Hi-Yo Silver Stalled: You know what’s not having the best summer ever? Westerns. Yeah, I know, right? Westerns, they’re so American there should be boot spurs and a Stetson on the flag, but alas, we’re not really digging them lately. The recent Cowboys & Aliens tanked unmercifully, and Universal has already halted the big screen adaptation of Stephen King’s The Dark Tower. The most recent to bite the dust is the Disney produced The Lone Ranger starring Johnny Depp as Tonto, and Armie Hammer as the Lone Ranger. Disney claims budget woes for the halt in production. I’m going to claim stupid casting woes. Really, Armie Hammer as the Lone Ranger and Depp as his trusty, if not geriatric, sidekick? When did the boy named after baking soda command such high praise that he can be both a prince in an upcoming Julia Roberts co-starring
Snow White film and The Lone Ranger? It just goes to show that you can be a veritable zygote and get a major acting gig in Hollywood Town. Guess Disney only wants to gamble with those dang pirate movies when it comes to Johnny Depp. Nice that they have a plan for his reanimated corpse. [Deadline]
Zellwegger Will Wear Spanx Again: Well, how about that. Just when you thought you’ve seen the last of Bridget Jones and stiff upper lip, Mark Darcy, Working Title Films has announced that there will in fact be a third Bridget Jones Diary installment. Oh, goody…I guess. It makes sense. The romantic comedy genre has been a bit gangrenous lately, eh? Katherine Heigel and Kristen Bell have probably gotten all they can out of tall, walking cardboard-faced, Josh Duhamel, right? Yep, I’d say so. So it’s on to Colin Firth and Hugh Grant and that never-ending love triangle with Bridget, yes? Are there no other men in all of Britain? I suppose not. And in this one, Bridget finds herself in yet another pickle that will test the patience of the erstwhile unflappable Mr. Darcy (Is she still calling him Mr. Darcy in these movies?) and possibly drag her into the arms of smarmy, self-serving Daniel Cleaver which is totally unlike the other two movies of practically the same plot with only subtle nuances to differentiate them. So mostly ice cream, shagging, journaling, and the two men in the middle of all the ice cream, shagging, journaling and getting dumped by everyone. Yay. [EW]
Life and Death in the Big City: There are a bunch of renewals and cancellations to report. Let’s start with the good news.
- Fans of Breaking Bad, your little show about a maniac and the people in his inner circle, has been renewed for a final season of 16 episodes, which will end somewhere around 2012 or 2013. Personally, I think AMC is the worst network in history (HA! HA! Next to NBC, that is) for what they’ve done to their best reviewed and most profitable series to date with all their belt-tightening, rampant negotiating, and corner-cutting, but at least Breaking Bad will get a proper conclusion.
- TNT the home of such scintillating shows famous for ampersands like Rizzoli & Isles, and Franklin & Bash, and the stealthily named HawthoRNe, starring Jada Pinkett Smith MoneyPockets, has renewed Leverage for a fifth season! Holy television time machine! There was a show called Leverage on for four years? What is this even about? Who’s actually watching this show? I’m not even sure what it is! It’s like the miracle of basic cable programming. Hey, Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead, have you guys thought about the TNT Ampersands and Magic Capital Letters in Titles channel?
- Nerds! Warehouse 13 is renewed for a fourth season, so whatever you guys were going to do, like petitioning the network, sending balloon grams, preparing to glitter television execs, start a Save Warehouse 13 website, or show up as Warehouse 13 characters at the Comcast headquarters, you know, don’t.
DOA:
- In Plain Sight, yeah, I know. Lot’s of you guys loved this show. And USA is usually pretty good at letting shows find their footing after rocky ratings, but not in this case. Ouch, USA. The scuttlebutt puts some of the blame on the renewal of freshman series Suits, which I happen to like. C’est la vie. The final season of In Plain Sight will have a short order of eight episodes and is scheduled to debut next spring.
- MTV has called it quits with The Hard Times of RJ Berger. This was two seasons full of dick jokes, right? Okay. Well, they’re filling that space with a new lineup of scripted television, starting with last Spring’s Teen Wolf, the recent Awkward, the upcoming Death Valley, the return of Beavis and Butt-head, and something called I Just Want My Pants Back , which sounds like a combination of Awkward and RJ Berger.
TLC Finally Comes to Senses!: Sheesh. It’s almost like they heard all of our inner screams finally. It was just announced that TLC has canceled Kate Plus 8. What was it? The fact that the woman is abhorrent? The collective pity we all feel for those kids? TLC execs being hit in the head by large ACME issue anvils? Whatever, maybe now this womb-shill will finally get a real job and stop propping her brood up as the biggest meal ticket ever conceived. You think? Probably not. Prepare for her to get a parenting-based talk show. Oh, yes, it’ll happen. This is America. [Deadline]
Jean-Claude Van Damme Still Makes Movies: The Bloodsporting, Time-Copping, chair-split dynamo will star in a British Sci-Fi movie obviously called, UFO. Van Damme plays a retired (At least he’s retired at something!) military adviser. Dominic Burns will direct in his first project as writer-director. He formerly directed a movie gem called Airborne starring Mark Hammill and Colin Salmom as light-saber wielding flight attendants hoping to stop the common cold virus on an airplane. The plot of UFO centers around “five friends who wake up on a seemingly normal morning to find the power’s out, there’s no mobile phone reception and the radio can tune nothing but static. Two nights later with little more information a city-sized UFO appears above the town as tension and fear of attack grips the five.” And then Van Damme will Judo-kick that UFO into submission by use of sheer will, fear, and bloodcurdling screams! Here, take a look! [Hollywood Reporter]
