Buon giorno! Ciao! And all other manner of Italian salutations! Yes, that’s right all our wonderful guido friends have now taken their tanned, poof-haired, staggering, falling, fighting, screaming selves to their homeland with the sole goal of smushing all over famous Italian sites. We fully expect the Polizia to come and arrest everyone, just everyone in the Jersey Shore in Italy house. Can it still be The Jersey Shore when you’re in Italy? Obviously MTV thinks so. Do we fully expect Snooki to fall off a Vespa? Yes. Will Pauly and Vinnie wear something sparkly with gargoyles and rhinestone swirls? Yes! Will J-WoWWW fall off a cliff and into her own cleavage? Yes! Will The Situation become the Continuing Annoying Faction? Definitely! What’s a Deena? We still don’t know! Will Sammy and Ron become great friends and never fight? Oh, hello. You must be new here…of course they’ll fight! It’s the Jersey Shore way!
Get your sausage, peppers and your Ron-Ron juice because yes, we’re in Italy Bitches!
We’ve been through so much over the last three seasons haven’t we? My goodness. We lost Angelina to the great trash bag war of 2010. Sam and Ron pulled out lasers at some point, disintegrated each other, blew up their home planets, got back together again, smushed repeatedly, and then pulled each others toenails out with crystal encrusted belt buckles. Now we have no idea where these two stand. Sheesh. Perhaps they’ll spare us and move into their own Italian villa in the middle of the Colosseum where a tiger will eat them both. Not likely. Anyway we have MVP to look forward to, right? Pauly and Vinnie just have to be our most favorite people on the entire show. They argue infrequently. They say the most ridiculous things and are just really about the nightly smush. We can deal with this. And what of Snooki, JWoWWW and Deena their little marmot mascot? We fully expect Snooki’s coo-ca to pop out at some point, just like JWoWWW’s massive mountain of mammary. Deena will probably trip over her own thoughts.
What can we expect from the first ten minutes. Let’s place some bets.
- Snooki and or Deena falling into or onto a suitcase
- Fist Pumping for Jesus
- Awkward Pauses where Sammy spends twenty minutes saying Ron’s name like this…RAHN! I DON’T KNOW RAHN. WHY DID YOU SAY THAT, RAHN? DON’T YOU LOVE ME, RAHN? Face, gun, over. Dead.
- JWoWWW wears a full latex condom to the nightclub
- The Situation looking confused or like he has gas when a woman declines his advances/propositions/stalking
All in all we very much doubt the Jersey Shore in Italy will be anything like some other sitcom on vacation. No siree. This is totally not like Saved by the Bell in Hawaii…unless in Hawaii you’ll find raging, screeching, belching self-proclaimed guidos that have descended on the island like a shameful pack of hair gel locusts. Hey, it could happen. So everyone, at 10:00pm est. turn on MTV so we can watch species gudiosapien in their semi-natural habitat.
Let’s have fun gang.
9:54 Hello! Anyone here? It’s almost T-Shirt Time! What’s everybody doing watching Michael Kors’ Orange Julius skin pomade?
10:02 Two minutes in and we’re doing sex and Deena is bent over doing the Jersey Turnpike, or the Jersey Tunnel, or the Jersey Blow Pipe
10:03 Was Snooki sorting thong underwear in the dining room? IN THE DINING ROOM?!
10:05 Single Ronny is basically Depressed Ronny, or Agitated Ronny, or Protein Powder Soon to Rage Out Ronny
10:06 Vinnie is curious about the legal age of consent in Italy. Sooo planning on a little date rape, Vinnie
10:11 Uh…we brought back Mentos commercials now starring Sammy and Deena?
10:14 Snooki saying DOZZLEDORF just confirms her muppet status.
10:14 Something explodes and Deena immediately assumes poop.
10:15 FIRST DEENA FALL OF THE TRIP. DRINK!
10:17 Is Ronnie sitting on Vinnie’s lap? This is a surprising turn of events.
10:18 After three seasons MTV finally decided to up the house from 700 square feet to a veritable castle! Two whole floors of wall to wall guido.
10:19 Vinnie is contemplating having sex with the bidet. YOU. CAN’T. MAKE. THIS. STUFF. UP!
10:23 Ronnie has already breathed a protein powder and oyster aphrodisiac onto Sammy.
10:25 Important fact: The house is two floors but they all still have twin beds. MTV strikes again.
10:26 DEENA DOC BROWN! How many gigawatts does it take to power a hair dryer?
10:26 RONNIE FELL DOWN. DRINK!
10:32 Snooki and Situation boning is like the mating of two hairless baboons or Giovanni Ribisi and Juliette Lewis in The Other Sister.
10:36 Snooki’s like a driving Fraggle.
10:40 “Who flies that close?” Deena (Tippi Hedron) says to the pigeon. The pigeon didn’t answer.
10:42 Sorry, Vinnie, you’d get punched in the dick. Love ya, though.
10:44 This whole Situation and Snooki hooking up thing has damaged my mind.
10:47 A Glee 3-D concert movie makes me want to set something on fire.
10:49 Hubby is now mocking Pauly in Saturday Night Fever Travolta voice.
10:50 The women spend so much time on getting dressed and the boys are wearing T-shirt tuxedos I guess.
10:52 Sooo JWoWWW no longer has a nose, right?
10:54 Seriously. Has the Situation lost his mind? His pawing on Snooki looked a little like pedophilia.
In the last few minutes…
Pauly and Deena slobbing tongues and I dunno upper intestines was too disgusting for words.
It looks like Mike gets knocked the fuck out!
Sammy is crying yet again.