Confession: I am the laziest female you will ever meet. There are a bunch of reasons for this, some more valid than others, but the point remains: Like the honey badger, I am a sleepy fuck.
I’m not a tomboy. I’m not some gross hobo living on Lower Wacker. I still want to look good, but I just don’t want to have to try. At all. So, I’ve developed a regimen. It’s not exactly the regimen of a Real Housewife of Orange County, but nor is it that of that creepy girl Karen in 10th grade who didn’t wear deodorant and had bits of old food on her sweater all the time.
My regimen does take a little money, but not a lot, because if I had a lot of money I would just pay people to dress me and brush my teeth and massage me like Waygu cattle all day. So most of this stuff is reasonable, and I try to invest in things I’ll use a lot, for a long time. Here you go:
Skin Care
- If you haven’t done it yet, get yourself a Clairsonic. I got the Mia
because it’s cheaper, but the deluxe model’s great too. Now I barely have to move my hands when I wash my face-and it literally takes one minute (it’s timed). Plus, it does make your skin look great. I just got the deep pore cleansing head, and I recommend that over the “sensitive” brush head. I use Cetaphil for cleaning, but you could probably use some leftover bacon grease and still look great. The best.
- When you wake up in the morning, you look like crap. I don’t; I look like an egg-and-cheese sandwich offered to you by a unicorn. But it’s because I slap on some night/eye cream. We can talk all day about what you should use, but my point is this: Use some. Your skin is repairing itself at night and use something that targets your issues. I use Youth Surge by Clinique
, but use whatever. Same with eyes.
- Tinted Moisturizer
. Makes your skin look prettier and it MUST have SPF or you’ll be ugly later in life. Again, slap it on in the AM- you’re supposed to use an SPF anyway, and you’ll look brighter and do good stuff for your skin in the process.
Avoiding Your Shower
- I really hate having to stand up to shower. So I try to avoid them. But when I have to get in there, I use a really heavy moisturizing body wash like this
so I don’t have to get all winded putting on lotion.
- Washing your hair is for suckers. I’m busy furiously hitting “refresh” on my Crasstalk articles’ comments and I just don’t have time! Dry shampoo
is your friend, and baby powder works fine too, but I like a spray. More targeted, less messy.
- Most of the time, though, I wear my hair curly (LAZY, I SAID). My take on this: I hope you like ponytails and headbands. You can try any of the “curl-reviving” sprays out there, and I’ll take recommendations, but they make my hair gummy and funny-smelling, plus still all frizzy and tangly. I’ll pass.
Clothes
Get a uniform that’s comfy and easy to mix and match. I’ll leave “professional” dressing to people who don’t touch feces all day. “Party clothes,” also, are another topic entirely. But if you’re just going out to lunch or running errands, you want something easy and cute. Here’s my take: Sporty is your friend.
- Yoga pants, man. Seriously. Lululemon Groove Pants are the gold standard, and they’re worth the price, but you can find them cheaper on EBay. Whatever you get, get something with a thicker knit so no one is able to count the dimples in your ass when you’re checking out at Target. Speaking of- Lululemon does not make plus-size pants, which is stupid, but Target has probably the best plus size options for inexpensive yoga pants. Nike makes sizes up to 2XL as well, and you can find those sizes on Zappos.
- Sports bras. Depending on how big your chest is, you may end up spending a lot of money on them, but a good sports bra is a) comfy, b) holds up the girls really firmly, keeping them up there over the long term, and c) longer-lasting and easier to care for than fancy pretty bras. Save those for date night or something.
- Tank tops. Specifically, the Spanx-like kind made of thick-knit spandex. These are cheap and come in a variety of basic colors. Whatever size you are, they’re comfy and kind of smooth everything down. They look great alone under a cardigan or just as a base for your favorite hoodie.
Miscellaneous Lazy Care Tips
- Drink only water all day. Now, go ahead and stack boxes of wine for the evening, but you know what I mean: no soda or Vitamin Water or whatever. I really like this CamelBak Groove water bottle
because Camelbaks are the gold standard of portable, sturdy, easy-to-use water bottles- and this one is pretty and has a charcoal filter built in so you can fill it with water from the East River if you need to (don’t do that).
- Much like with the Clairsonic for the face, get one for your mouth
if you can so you don’t have to tire yourself out trying to hit your wisdom teeth. Also, truly “whitening” toothpaste, the more expensive kind with higher amounts of peroxide, will keep your teeth really white without having to carefully apply Whitestrips for two weeks (I have never actually completed a cycle of that).
- If you have disposable income to spend on fairly inexpensive beauty treatments like facial waxing or pedicures, go for it. If you’re as lazy as I am, it’s far better to spend the 30 bucks to read my Kindle and have someone do a decent job on my toes than for me to chase the dog when he gets an acetone-soaked towel in his mouth, glop polish on my toes (and then get pissed because it doesn’t look the same), and pull a hammy when I try to get a good look at my pinky toe to fix it.
- Wear glasses. So much easier and cheaper than the daily contact drama. You never have to freak out on the highway when one starts to stab your retina. They highlight your pretty eyes and make boys think you’re some sort of porn librarian. Or get Lasik.
So! There we are. Follow this basic regimen and you’ll have plenty of time for naps, binge-drinking, and staring blankly at your computer screen.
