No one is made of stone, and therefore no one should be expected to resist the animal charms of Alex Pettyfer. No, they should not.
That being said, one can ravish one’s eyes on Mister Petit-Four’s person in a science-fiction-slash-fantasy thriller currently in theaters, known as I Am Number Four. Read no further if you have not seen this cinematic masterpiece. Spoilers after the jump.
This film raises so many questions.
- Why, if he is supposed to stay out of the public eye, does John (Alex Pettyfer) have all these pictures and awards and newspaper clippings posted on the side of his beach hut in the beginning of the film?
- Why is such a hunk of man-meat living with an older man named Henri (Timothy Olyphant) who I totally recognize as bitter, jaded Dennis from The Broken Hearts Club?
- Why, when they move to a small town in Ohio, does John enroll in high school, if he’s trying to stay “off the grid?” Wouldn’t it make more sense for him to stay away from any place that has teens with disposable income for digital cameras and Internet connections?
- Why does Henri think that having a bunch of laptops with a web browser open and viewing weather.com is going to help him figure out how close the alien killers are to their current location?
- Why are the “alien bad guys” chasing John all wearing Sketcher Shape Ups™? Do aliens have problems with flabby butt cheeks?
- Why does Sarah (Dianna Agron, a/k/a Lucy Caboosey a/k/a Quinn Fabray) insist throughout the film that all she wants to do is leave this wicked little town and then at the very end tell John she will be there always in case he ever comes back?
- Why does John not throw things at the other characters with his telekinetic powers? He could totally pick up a big pile of shrapnel, a bunch of nails and screws and knives, and fling that mess at the big bad aliens.
- Why does John not blow up the aliens’ weapons? This, to me, seemed to be the biggest “duh” of the movie. The aliens have all these grenade type things strapped to them, he could just blow ’em up and be done. Argh.
- Why is John not shirtless more often? He does show off the fact that he’s been down to the gym, a-workin’ on his fitness a few times, but this movie needed more skin. And by the way, his neck is as big as his head. He’s a big, big boy.
- Why, after the epic battle scene, does no one think to look for the dog? This seems rather heartless.
There are many more questions which this movie failed to answer, but let’s stick with these ten, shall we? Oh, wait, one more big one.
After John’s hands light up and he gets all woozy from trying to figure out exactly what his “new found powers” are, he asks Henri what his powers are and how he can use them. What answer does he get? “You’ll have to find out for yourself.” Really? Really? That’s all ya got, Henri? How about helping the kid figure out what he can do so he can fight the baddies, huh?
Image credit: Screencrave.com
