They’re the closest to us. And sometimes so much like us, often they know all our little secrets. Which is why mostly we spend much of our youth wanting to punch them. Ah, siblings. Whether protecting them or fighting them, it’s always entertaining, especially if you live in the Seven Kingdoms. You can be crazy, a maniac, or just a slight sociopath, but nevertheless you’ll do what you can to be there for them, one way or another.
Let’s start sharing the love…
So we continue at Seven Kingdoms NASCAR or better known as “The King’s Tournament of Jousting and Drinking The Fat Man’s Wine.” Ned Stark still has his investigation grumble-face on. He’s inspecting the felled knight who was Jon Arryn’s ex-squire and wondering if it truly was an accident. We get no answer to this. Someone should really explain how getting wood shards in the throat after a joust could be an accident. I would think you pretty much volunteer for that sort of thing. It’s not as if he were up in the stands and the shards just miraculously found their way to his jugular as if shot from a jousting gun. BUT he had on fancy armor most likely paid for by Arryn. This means something! Something important! So, hmm. Ponderous! Not, really!
In the King’s tent he’s decided that he wants to take a break from his occupation as “drunk shouting man” and strap on some armor to have a go at jousting. Yes, yes, okay. But wait, the armor won’t fit because apparently he has some sort of goiter in his stomach that’s given it the appearance of three basketballs under a tarp, or he’s just really, really, fat. Ned thinks he’s fat. We agree. The butler also thought so, but the King has too much fun taunting the little blond Lannister to give him the satisfaction. So much time the king has. It’s a wonder how he gets anything done, what with the drinking, the wench bedding, the taunting, and the belly girthing.
Back at the joust, in rides The Mountain, throat staker and perpetual Bluto from Popeye, and Ser Loras, nee’ “Knight of the Flowers” and eyebrow wiggler to the King’s brother. He hands Sansa a rose and she’s all giddy because apparently someone other than Joffrey has shown her some affection. Will Loras ask her to the school dance? Will they make out behind the bleachers? Certainly not. And after telling her father that Arya is at “dance lessons” in all seriousness, Sansa may need a lesson or two in understanding the obvious.
In lane one of the NASCAR race, the Mountain of Bluto is thrown after his stallion has some sort of girl horse meltdown after realizing that Ser Loras’ mare was in heat. Drats! No more knight staking! Littlefinger and the King’s brother trade a few barbs which basically serves to tell us that Renly and Loras are lovers. Like that eye wiggle two minutes ago didn’t say it all. The Mountain doesn’t take kindly to losing and calls for his sword and then HOLY GRATUITOUS GRISLY HORSE SCENE! We didn’t see this coming. Bluto takes the entire head off his horse in one stroke! Christ. I haven’t seen horseicide like that since the late nineties in that weird Ginsu horse slicing scene in The Cell featuring the star of the USA channel’s Criminal Intent, Vincent D’Onofrio, and the current star of American Idol Jennifer Lopez. Didn’t these two used to make movies? Anyway, Bluto then goes after Loras and The Hound intercedes. There’s some fighting until the King wakes up from his nap and tells everyone to stop. So basically, good times at the joust then, right? Throat staking, a horse beheading, an angry Bluto, a fat king. Seriously, just like NASCAR.
On the Road Again: We find Lady Stark and her prisoner Tyrion, who was captured last episode at the inn when Lady Stark told the town that she would call everyone’s mother if they didn’t help her apprehend the four foot man. They obliged. And then Tyrion was bound and covered with a bag. That’s really no way to treat our hero. Defiantly he calls out Lady Subterfuge for her slight of hand. While on their trip, Lady Stark announced that she was taking Tyrion back to Winterfell so the Lannisters would look for him there… but that’s all lies! They’re really going to see her batshit crazy sister up in what looks like the Chrysler building of all seven kingdom towers, and really something left over from the Krull movie set. Tyrion, also a bit of a smarty-pants, announces the Lannister’s unofficial motto that their family “always pays their debts” even their rewards, you know, nudge, nudge, just in case one of the men holding him would like a little coin instead of a mumbled, “Thanks” from Lady Stark. A few eyebrows raise, and you can see the mental slot machines start to cha-ching! But so far no takers. Tyrion also starts to plead his innocence by basically calling the attack on Bran a stupid set-up. We agree. And then we hear something about SHADOWCATS. Oh, joy! I have no idea what they are, but they sound like some sort of cool Game of Thrones Thundercat so now I’m intrigued.
And then just when Tyrion is “starting to make sense,” out of nowhere someone is hit with a batarang, and then a bunch of video game gray dudes otherwise known as Hill Tribe Fighters come running around the bend. As in, if you were playing the Game of Thrones video game this is the exact scene where they would test your melee skills. “Here, kill a few guys all dressed the same and rescue Lady Stark.” They do, and she is, mostly by Tyrion deciding not to steal a horse, but to be a gentleman by using the pointy end of a shield to open up one gray dude’s face right before the baddie gutted Stark. So, chivalry! Well, until one of his captors mentions that you need a woman eye wiggle after a battle, and Tyrion ever the jokester, says he’s willing if Lady Stark is. And this is why we love him.
Home-Schooling at Winterfell: Bran is being taught all the official slogans of all the houses like he’s learning the newest ad for Toyota and we’re all very bored by this scene, even by that toothy ward Theon who says things like “We Greyjoys are good at archery, navigation and lovemaking.” To which the standard answer is “and failed rebellions, now shoo.” Which makes sense since apparently the archery didn’t work and the navigation is suspect since Theon has been housed by the Starks for over a decade. Basically from this study break we learn that Bran misses his mommy. She’s gone and Bran is quite put out. Whatever. “Mom’s at work, Shortstack. She sat by your bedside making voodoo dolls for like three weeks. Get over it and shoot some spitballs at Theon or something.”
Roz gets her sixpence: So Theon, after regaling the Starks with stories about his family’s ride to infamy decides all that work laughing at his own jokes means he should ride something else…namely Roz, the eco-friendly amusement park. Here there’s some banter about prowess, his and Tyrion’s, some measuring and locker room comparisons, but basically it’s all set up for a full-frontal shot of Theon, because one thing HBO has learned from Starz’s Spartacus is that full-frontal man package sells…only, is it just me, or are we less enthused that the first one of these is silly Theon and not Khal Drogo? I’m certainly disappointed. We learn nothing from this except that Theon is jealous of pimp baller Tyrion, as he should be.
Schemers Be Scheming: Back at King’s Landing everyone is playing I Spy and I Know Something You Don’t. Ned learns that the King is in danger (not news). Arya, attempting to either play with a cat or pluck its eyes out, we’re not totally sure, happens upon all those Dragon bones Viscerys was talking about last episode and she gets one minute of “Hey, cool!” until she hears more scheming. Someone is looking to set up Ned and possibly kill him for knowing too much (also not news). Littlefinger and Varys have their little banter that serves as some sort of “Who’s On First” back and forth that was just all annoying. It was some elaborate I Know What You Did Last Summer but without Jennifer Love Hewitt’s rack or the following sequel. Arya, badly, tries to explain what she heard to her father, who looks at her like she was playing make believe with cats in dresses. And just when he tries to make sense of it, a Night Watchman comes to warn him that his wife has “The Imp” and implies that this is probably bad.
Council Lowers the Boom: The King who no doubt has woken up in a bed of wine and random lady flesh, hears some disturbing news. According to US Weekly reporter Ser Jorah, the double agent hanging out with the Dothraki, “Dany Targaryen has a baby bump!” Oh, what kind of baby shower will she have? Will it be at Cipriani? All the Hollywood horselords have their baby showers at Cipriani. Diddy will give her golden chaps and Jessica Alba will show up wearing her finest dung belt. King Robert, hiding from the paparazzi, says to his council about the news, “I want them dead, mother and child both.” And we’re thinking good luck with that. That Horselord Drogo will use your knights for his horse saddle. We’re also a little upset Viscerys wasn’t on the hit list until the King adds him too, and we think, “Yes, well, that’s certainly warranted. He tried to make everyone eat tofurkey at the last feast and that didn’t go over so well.”
Ned refuses to take on the assignment to kill Matthew and Gunner from the platinum blond 80’s band Nelson, and calls Robert a coward who’s afraid of a baby’s shadow, and then Robert fires him because it’s true.
Get that Boy a Juice Box: We’ve finally arrived at the Chrysler building with Tyrion and Lady Stark. They both have audience with Stark’s sister, Lysa, who by introduction has a boy of about eight suckling from her body while she looks all screechy and like Alanis Morissette singing about a “Jagged Little Pill”. We’re frightened of this. And so is everybody else in the room. No one mentions it. No one says, “Hey, uh, Lysa, there’s a fully formed child hanging from your teat…think you wanna finish up with that, and then maybe we’ll talk about death here at your sky castle?” No, no one says this. Everyone just pretends it’s not happening like a weird, beefy fart in an elevator. And then to everyone’s increased disgust the little milk-monster starts flapping his jaws about bad men flying, and we know this just can’t be good for Tyrion.
Something called Mord is summoned and Tyrion is tossed in a jail…or is it? No, actually it’s a cave with an exit…an exit which leads to nothing but sky, and falling to a horrible death. Hence the name Sky Cell. We’re thinking there’s no cake or death in Lysa’s land of Ironic Things Don’t ‘Cha Think? It’s all about not getting her hands dirty. “No one told him to jump. He just wanted to see if he could fly, right milk-monster child?” “Right, Mommy.”
Schemers Be Scheming While they Shave: So Renly is a bit of a stereotype. He’s the King’s gay brother who doesn’t like to hunt, or kill, is afraid of blood, and likes to pout a lot. His lover Ser Loras is sick of that shit, and tells Renly to man up, because if he really wants to, he could be king, and then he shaves him with clay, nicks him in the flank and then distracts him with his mouth while all that sinks in. We don’t think Renly really has it in him to challenge the king. Littlefinger, though, maybe.
Couple’s Counseling with King Robert and Cersei: In this pretty poignant scene between the two that doesn’t involve eye-rolling or cursing, Cersei hears of Robert and Ned’s dissolution of marriage. Normally, we would have thought it would make her happy, but she doesn’t seem so. Maybe she just wanted to torment the Starks a little more, or maybe she realizes everything could well and truly go to shit without Ned running the kingdom. At any rate they discuss the potential for an assault by the Targaryens…which will happen. Am I really supposed to believe the horse people won’t find out how to get across the sea? What happens when Winter comes and that sea turns to ice, OR when Dany figures out how to ride a Dragon? I’m thinking we’ll see something then! Anyway, Robert and Cersei discuss the fallout of an attack, and boy it sounds like Robert is saying, “Hey, townsfolk, you mofos will be on your own. Me and mine will hang out here in the castle and hope the horselord doesn’t find us here. We’ll be like cats under a blanket.” Cersei also asks if Robert ever really loved her and he says, “No.” quite plainly. You almost feel sorry for her, until you remember all the brother-boning, and boy-pushing, and Joffrey-mothering, and then you feel in her words, “nothing.”
Fighting By the Brothel…Where Else?: Before Ned returns to Winterfell, Littlefinger convinces him to see just one more thing. That thing is a squalling baby, another of Robert’s bastards. Apparently, Robert has a bastard in every brothel all across the kingdom. Okay, maybe not that many, but enough that Jon Arryn was tracking them down. Hmmm, “secret seed,” “secret seed.” What could all this mean?
As Ned and Littlefinger are leaving, Hardy Jens nee’ Jaime shows up with a “pride of lions” which I guess means a “small army” and demands to know where Tyrion is. Ned protects his wife and says Tyrion was taken by his command. A lie. Jaime doesn’t care. He orders Ned’s men killed and they are, even Jory who gets a dagger in the eye. Ouch. And now, what Jaime really wanted all along, who knows if he even cares about Tyrion…he gets to fight Ned, rightfully. They battle. Ned holds his own to Jaime’s surprise…and just when it looks like Ned may get the better of him, one of Jaime’s lions puts a spear through Ned’s leg. Ned falls. And incensed by the “quick save” Jaime punches out dude with the spear. Well, okay. Now he knows not to save Jaime’s ass when it’s about to be handed to him. I’m sure he’s marking this down in his diary. “Let Jaime’s stupid ass die next time.” Well, that’s a code of ethics for you. Push a kid out a window…all’s good. Mess with my fight…totally wrong.
So that’s it for this week. It mostly served to push the story along. No real new developments that we couldn’t have predicted except that horse, and the milk-monster child. Other than that a good solid episode. What did you think?
Here’s a look at the characters:
Via: Screen Rant
The Game of Thrones airs Sunday nights at 9pm on HBO.
