The dictionary defines “Rapture” as an English noun derived from the Latin verb rapio, with a literal meaning of “I catch up” or “I snatch.” I define “Rapture” as “Aw fuck, here we go.” Now, I don’t know about all of you, but I like to be prepared, whether it’s keeping an umbrella at work in case of rain or being ready for the day of the Lord’s wrath against the ungodly which is supposed to last about seven years. For those of you with the FastPass to Heaven, bless you*! It doesn’t matter what you wear, as soon as you fist bump (with explosion) St. Peter and stroll through those pearly gates, you’ll be halo’d up and good to go for eternity. For the rest of us poor unfortunate souls, your Sunday best isn’t going to help you now, so ditch the designer duds and check out this guide for the ultimate Rapture wear.
A Hat
A hat is the first item of responsible Rapture wear. Whether you’re concerned about heat loss through your head, don’t like the sun in your eyes, or heck, you look awesome in a hat, you should be wearing one. For you borderline cases with a shot at making it to Heaven, stick to a plain, sensible one. God works in mysterious ways and despite all the championship wins, there’s no real empirical evidence whether he’s a Yankees or Red Sox fan. You don’t need to mess up your chance by proclaiming your allegiance just one last time. This also makes it easy to pick out the real sinners in their 10 gallon foam cowboy hats and fedoras.
Layers and Breathable Fabrics
It’s hard to say if the weather will be all fire and scorching heat or perhaps a thoughtful nod to the past with the plague of hail. I’m going to make the assumption that a wrathful God is an angry God, so the weather will probably fluctuate between the two. This is where the Nevernudes and bashful middle-school-gym changers are going to shine after years of practice of putting on and removing layers of clothing while never flashing a single piece of flesh. Also important, make sure your clothing has big pockets to hold lots of snacks. The road to hell is paved with excellent spots to roast marshmallows.
Extra Socks
If there was one lesson to take away from Forrest Gump, clearly it was that it’s important to take care of your feet and keep them dry. (Thank you, Lieutenant Dan.) Blisters, frostbite, and pruney toes are all serious foot ailments that are easily preventable by wearing socks. Besides foot health, socks are a useful multi-purpose object. They provide entertainment through sliding on slick surfaces and puppetry, money security through keeping your loose change in them, and protection through wielding said money sock like a nunchuck.
Sensible Shoes
As far as I know, there isn’t going to be a secretary at a desk saying, “Please take a number and The Lord will judge you as soon as he can.” You need to prepare for the fact that you might be standing around a few years for your turn. Don’t be that drunk girl at the end of the night taking hobbling steps with a 3-inch stride trying to catch the train just because her 6” zebra print heels with pockets for Tic Tacs were “cute.” Ditch the dress shoes, the sandals, and heels. The older folk may walk around locker rooms naked and enter beauty pageants, but they sure do know about comfortable shoes. Go ahead and pick yourself up some SAS’s. They may not be stylish, but who cares when you’re walking on clouds. (Metaphorically speaking, of course; you’re obviously going to hell.)
*Said in the style of Whoopi Goldberg as Sister Mary Clarence in Sister Act after Vince is arrested.
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