Crasstalk – Page 947

I shouldn’t be blogging here

My life.

And it isn’t because you guys are so much cooler than I am. It’s that I will use the awesomeness I find here to further put off the work that’s making my head spin.

I am your resident PhD student on the verge of prelims; your full-time university employee tasked with impossible tasks; your obsessive and sometimes humorless ranter – in those cases usually found either bitching people out who don’t understand research yet try to sound smart about their ignorance or dissolving into arglebargle over GLBT stuff.

As I said earlier today, I have a giant case of the gay.

I hope to minimize lolwut and arglebargle, but I have an earnest Midwestern streak in me that just won’t quit.

Fun facts: New York City is too warm for me to live in. I think being married is awesome. I <3 Minnesota.

Photo attribution: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jim_lahey/

Eh?

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Hey.

I’m not a lumberjack, or a fur trader, and I don’t live in an igloo or eat blubber, or own a dog sled, and I don’t know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada, although I’m certain they’re really, really nice.

I have a Prime Minister, not a President. I speak English and French, not American, and I pronounce it ‘about’, not ‘a boot’.

I can proudly sew my country’s flag on my backpack. I believe in peacekeeping, not policing; diversity, not assimilation; and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.

A tuque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch, and it is pronounced zed: not zee – zed!!

Canada is the second largest land mass! The first nation of hockey! And the best part of North America!

My name is Joe!! And I am Canadian!

… Thank you.

If this left you confused, or angry, you probably aren’t Canadian.

This was part of a series of Commercials released in the late 1990’s by Molson, the beer company. It prompted many spoofs and spin offs- it’s been a long running joke up here that Americans don’t know much about their neighbours to the north, a fact that both irritates and amuses. On one hand, as seen above, it can be fun to play up the stereotypes. There’s this understated sense of entitlement among Canadians that since we know more about you than you know about us, we’re just a little bit better. However, we would almost never admit it- that would be rude. As Canadians we seek our southern partner’s approval with almost an embarrassing eagerness (We’re just like you, honestly!), yet at the same time cast aside the idea that we are the same. We’re like the little sibling desperately wanting to be included with the older one, yet not wanting the fact to be pointed out.

I’ve been struggling with ideas for posts, trying to think of topics that I know quite a bit about. Then it struck me like a hockey puck to the side of my toque-covered head- I am among a select few Canucks here. Why not write about that?

So just like SiS asks for topics about science and then writes stories on that, I am asking this of you: What is something about Canada that you would like to know about? Politics, beer, our East vs. West mentality, marijuana, shopping, sports, culture, tv personalities, healthcare, differences between the American way and the Canadian way of doing thigns, how we survive 6 months of winter… you name it, I will do my best to talk about it. If I have no clue, I’ll try to figure it out. I can’t speak for the whole country, just my little neck of the woods.

(Disclaimer: I love you guys, I really do. I mean no offence to anyone and I am sincerely sorry if any has been taken.)

Crass Parenting

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I’m going to try to do a feature on parenting, Crasstalk style. Here’s my first post. If you are one of the four people who read my blog, you might recognize it. It should be fresh for 99.7% of readers.

Do People Judge New Moms about Breastfeeding?

The other day, I read the cutest comment on the internet by a mom-to-be. Let’s call her Marge. Marge was worried that people would judge her based on her decision whether to breastfeed exclusively or not.

Boy did I roll on the floor laughing until my eyes bled.

Marge, you’re worried that people will judge you based on whether or not you breastfeed? Marge, you need to back the hell up and start all over because you have completely misconstrued the situation. You are worried about #80 on the list of 7,856,912 things people will judge you about as a parent.

Marge, are you just now catching on to the judgment vibe? Where the heck have you been your entire pregnancy? What about the pre-pregnancy phase? If you were any kind of mother, you would have started taking folic acid a minimum of 6 months before you started trying to conceive. You really should have started taking a prenatal vitamin and started eating organic. Were you reading “What to Expect When You’re Expecting to Expect in the Expectant Future?” last year and purging your house of lead-based paint and cat dander? Did your husband switch from briefs to boxers and eat a raw food diet so that only the healthiest sperm got out of the gates?

If not, you’re probably already dealing with a sub-standard fetus. Well, you’re going to have to do the best you can with what you’ve got. Maybe there’s a chance that the child’s life hasn’t been completely mangled. Try not to screw up the rest of the pregnancy. Listen to only classical music and avoid processed meats but eat only processed cheese. No caffeine and drink organic teas but be careful what herbs are in the teas because some herbs can cause birth defects. If a sip of alcohol passes your lips, expect Child Protective Services to show up and demand the infant in the delivery room. Also, it goes without saying that no one in your area code should be allowed to smoke, fart, exhale, or drive a car that runs on diesel fuel. If you can follow these simple rules, your child may have a chance at getting in to community college, at least on a conditional basis.

Your child might have a shot if you don’t mangle the birth process. Marge, it’s important to understand that birth is a process. You don’t just have a baby. You have to plan. There are midwives and doctors to consult, birth plans to write, delivery environments to choose, birth philosophies to embrace and pain management techniques to absorb. But we can’t get into any of that yet because first and foremost, you have to enroll in a Pregnancy Yoga class. When you’ve accomplished that, we will move to all the things you’ll be judged about during baby delivery and then, and only then, will we discuss how you’ll be judged during baby feeding. We’ve got a long way to go, Marge.

An Honest Holiday Letter

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Dear Family Member, Friend, or Roommate of Mine from College With Whom This is Our Only Interaction All Year,

We hope that this letter finds you doing well this holiday season! It’s been an interesting and eventful year in our household again.

We’re still living in the same subdivision, and can’t believe that it’s been 7 years already. Ted seems to think we’ll be here forever, probably b/c between the first and second mortgages, we aren’t really in a great position to sell. That said, I know we wouldn’t trade the boat or the trips to Disney or the Grand Canyon in previous years for just about anything. Fortunately, we have lots of photos of those trips.

Speaking of the boat, we didn’t get out on it more than a few times this year, what with the price of gasoline being what it is. I know the kids are disappointed about that, and the lack of a ‘big’ vacation this year. But, I think the road trip we took to Aunt Nancy’s in July was a nice getaway for them, even if there is no theme park or body of water in Lincoln, Nebraska. We managed to make it while sitting through only one dust storm, so it was truly a wonderful time.

Ted is still with the same employer, which we’re thankful for, even though he hasn’t gotten a raise in three years. He’s actually doing so well there that he’s doing his job, and the job of another guy who was let go at the beginning of the year! His boss jokes that maybe this year there’ll be a Christmas bonus, depending on what Obama does with his tax rates. There hasn’t been one of those in five years, but we’ve learned to do without it.

For my part, I’m still working part time at the jewelry store at the mall, mostly while the kids are in school. Granted, now that they’re older, I’ve flirted with going back to work full time, but there doesn’t seem to be much out there for a sociology graduate who hasn’t worked in the field for the last 13 years. Again, though, we’re lucky to both have money coming in, so we won’t complain.

As far as the kids go, Annabelle is in her last year of middle school, and is looking forward to being a full-fledged high schooler (and teenager!). There was a big uproar at her public school this year because a health teacher tried to do a unit on sexual education. It was disconcerting, to say the least. After all, there are some conversations even we won’t have with our daughter.

Randy is finishing up his junior year, and has moved into the top 1/3 of his class. Our state, isn’t exactly known for education, and his school district is mediocre at best, but we’re celebrating the little victories. He’s already started to look at some colleges out west, as he’d really like to go away for a few years. Ted has been urging him, subtly, to look at some of the local community colleges. Our hope is that nobody gets completely crippled by debt that way.

That’s about all of our news. We hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and a fruitful New Year!

Love,

Middle America

Name the Nibbles of Crasstalk!

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Nibble’s cousin, the evil squirrel, had been wreaking havoc here on Crasstalk with his tiny, twisted paws. This little bastard needs a name that we can curse to the high heavens! Post your suggestions in the comments…if ______ will let you!

(I tried to post an image, but motherfucking _______ won’t let me!)

100 Word Movie Review – Love & Other Drugs

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If you thought droopy eyed, smirky Jake Gyllenhaal would be charming in this bad-boy-gone-good by falling in love with a quirky, arty, ailing woman-child movie, you’ve never seen Dying Young, Sweet November, Pieces of April, or A Walk to Remember. Hathaway’s performance relied entirely on eye rolls and ironic “heh-heh” guffaws that were supposed to stand in for actual emotions. L&OD is the worst kind of lame because it wastes the entire cast – including the wonderful Jill Clayburgh in one of her last roles – with terrible dialog and clumsy, clunky scenes cobbled together from finer comedies, dramas and love stories.

My Personal “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom” Moment

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I took a road trip back to Texas to see my family. I hauled ass along the 10 through Arizona and New Mexico. But once I cleared El Paso, I took the scenic route and swung down through Ft. Davis, Marfa, Terlingua, and the top of Big Bend, then back up to Junction and on to Austin.

I really miss road trips. I had forgotten how much you can see, even from the big highways. But the real pleasure comes from taking the smaller back roads. Sometimes it’s fun to take a little road, just see where you might end up.

Even when speeding along one of these county roads, you can still see a ton of wildlife. I saw deer, rabbits, turkeys, javelina, tons of different birds. But the highlight was seeing this red-tailed hawk and badger.

I was headed out of Big Bend and I saw some roadkill—no big deal, there’d been plenty of it on this trip. After all, I’m pretty much in the middle of nowhere. But then I noticed a hawk, on the ground. This is really unusual so I made a u-turn and went back to check it out.

When I got back, I saw that the hawk was actually a red-tailed hawk and was happily sitting on the roadkill. That bird was not going to move for anything! He’d rather have faced me down in my car than give up his meals for the next few days. It was only when I took out my camera and started to take pictures that I noticed the roadkill was a badger!

I’m going to geek out here for a minute and tell you guys that I have this sort of unofficial list of wildlife in my mind that I want to see, so when I see something new it’s a really big deal. I kind of freaked out and got really excited.

The other thing that was interesting is that hawks are birds of prey and don’t usually eat roadkill. They prefer to hunt and catch their prey live, which leads me to believe (along with the state of the entrails) that this must have been a very fresh kill that the hawk stumbled upon.

Several times, the hawk tried to fly away with his prize, but the badger was just too heavy and the poor guy (or girl) couldn’t really get off the ground. Didn’t keep him from trying though. Eventually he gave up and just started chowing down.

I took a few more photos, made another u-turn and snapped a few more, and drove away. Once I got to my hotel, I did a little research and found out that badgers are actually somewhat common in Texas, especially in desert scrubland like Big Bend. I’ve never seen one and neither has anyone in my family, including my grandmother (who grew up on a farm/ranch). But according to what I read, they are solitary creatures and tend toward being nocturnal. They are also burrowers (check out those long claws) so I guess that explains it.

Must. Get. It. Up. (Sadly, not the first time I have heard this)

Anyway, I thought you guys might find these photos interesting. The hawk is just gorgeous (the badger a little less so in this state). It’s nature in action!

Music to ride around in an old Cadillac Eldorado to

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If you’re like me, there are just some days when you have to throw up your hands and shout, “THAT’S IT, AMERICA. I AM FUCKING DONE WITH YOU.” It’s a tempting emotion.

Here’s my solution: In times like this, I like to remember some of the mind-explodingly awesome shit that America produces. I defy anyone to ride around the streets of any American city in an old Cadillac while blasting these tunes and not feel pretty goddamn good about the U.S.A. Look, I love other countries. I love the French. They make delicious foods with goose livers, and they gave us Zinedine Zidane. But there’s just something special about the soul, funk and R&B music that came out of Memphis, Detroit, Philadelphia, St. Louis and other depressing/awesome places in the 60s and 70s.

Here are some vintage tunes from my secret stash. I tried to pick stuff that’s a bit more obscure, since by now everyone has heard the Isley Brothers and Earth, Wind and Fire. Take a listen.

And OLDY with that great Memphis beat. Every band ever should be forced at gunpoint to have a brass section. Also, the “horse” dance looks a lot like some of the Soul Train Line dances you saw in the 70s. Ahead of their time!

This song appeared in a slightly different version (without the handclaps, I think) on Herbie’s 1976 album “Secrets,” which is fucking amazing by the way. This song spends what feels like half an hour building upward in intensity before breaking into a disco-y, robotic space music with a talk box. Herbie is my hero.

“Don’t Take My Kindness for Weakness” by The Soul Children. The singing on this cut is just so great and full of soul. I love soul songs that come with that edge.

Fuck the cowbell. Hammond organ. Needs more Hammond B3 organ. Also, this song has one of those 70s bass lines that sounds like it wants to stab a baby dolphin in the eye.

“A Possibility Back Home” by Wanda Robinson. Another vicious cut with some nice jazz flute and great Afro-centric poetry spoken over top. You can tell Erykah Badu was down for this joint.

Albert King is really known for being a blues virtuoso but he made a great foray into funk. Also, the relationship between a blues musician and his instrument is fascinating so I love this stomping little love song for his guitar.

Baby Huey, a singer from St. Louis, died after releasing only one album but it was a really great album that is well-remembered by the old school cats. I don’t know what it is about this jam, but his voice just cuts through me like a knife.

The Dramatics were a huge name in the 60s and 70s but for some reason they haven’t stayed on the radar like some other bands have (Earth, Wind and Fire; Kool and the Gang, etc.). This song was used at the very beginning of “Wattstax,” the great concert film.

Some young hippity-hopper named Doctor Dre (or something) sampled this jam from Leon Haywood. When the tempo picks up at the 1:00 mark, and then mellows out again 30 seconds later, you know you’re in for a ride. If Beethoven lived in Memphis in 1972, this is probably the music he would make.

Boardwalk Empire Season Finale Tonight!

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Are the D’Alessio brothers done? Will Arnold Rothstein flee the country? Is Margaret ever coming back? What will Eli do now that he is no longer the Sheriff? What’s up with Nucky and Chalky? Will the Commodore take revenge on Gillian? What’s Jimmy going to do about Angela’s betrayal? How will Agent Van Alden deal with Sebso’s death? What will happen to Annabelle now that her “fella” is dead broke? What’s going on with Lucky? How will the elections turn out? What’s Capone going to do from Chicago? So many questions! Can’t wait for the season finale. Anyone else tuning in?

The Night Watchman: O

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Numbers Stations

Numbers stations are short wave radio broadcasts that have unexplained origins and meanings. They are often associated with intelligence and espionage activities and were a staple of Cold War intrigue. Since I made a radio post earlier I thought I would put up some information about a couple of the more interesting numbers stations.

Numbers stations get there name from the encoded messages they would broadcast. Usually a station would have a signon tone, song, or phrase. This was usually followed by a series of numbers, letters, or phrases. The numbers were generally believed to be code that would be deciphered by recipients using a one-time pad to decode the messages. No government has ever admitted to using numbers stations, but the US has accused Cuba of using numbers stations.

The stations have been picked up all over the globe, but they are difficult to track because they broadcast in short bursts. The stations have been around since WWI making them one of the earliest forms of radio communication. While it is assumed most stations are connected with governments there is also speculation that some stations may be connected with drug smuggling or other types of organized crime.

Here are a couple of sound samples from the more famous stations. If you want a more comprehensive list, visit the Conet Project archive where you can hear 150 different stations.

Atencion: A Cuban station that has been involved in US espionage cases:

The Lincolnshire Poacher is a station that is believed to be connected to British intelligence. I broadcasts from Cyprus and has an apparent sister station (called Cherry Ripe) in Australia that broadcasts the same material.

The Lincolnshire Poacher

UVB-76: A Russian station nicknamed The Buzzer because it runs a buzzing noise between broadcasts (it also uses snippets of Swan Lake). It was dormant for a number of years, but began broadcasting again earlier this year.

The Buzzer

If you have a shortwave radio, you can listen for yourself . It doesn’t take any fancy equipment and you can feel like you are on a secret spy mission behind enemy lines. Certainly more fun than listening to your average drive time DJ.