Liveblogging tonight’s episode of the Jeopardy? Bad idea or WORST idea?
We shall see! Stay tuned and joined in on the fun as we show these computers that we’re more than just walking penises and vaginas. We’re also well-oiled intellectual non-machines.
Well, shit. I just looked at my cable guide and it says they’re airing the Teen Jeopardy championship or something tonight. DANG IT!
Machines 1
Stupid Humans 0
Image courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/charliecurve/
By DahlELama and The_Obvious
Hey, remember mix tapes? (If you said “no,” get out.) Remember how great it was to spend hours upon hours sitting by the stereo and waiting for the right moment to hit “record” so you could pick the perfect songs for the perfect occasions? When the right combination of Savage Garden and KC and JoJo was going to make Amanda see right past your braces and eczema and fall madly in love with you?
Since then, we’ve gradually evolved into the mix CD, followed by the hilariously short-lived minidisc era, and finally landed on the MP3 playlist, a process so quick and easy that it takes all of five seconds to create “Songs to Drop Amanda’s Pants.” But no matter how much technology improves over time, there’s only so much it can do to provide the perfect music for those not-so-perfect occasions.
Sure, it’s easy to figure out what to play for the big things, like sex (NIN’s “Closer”), break-ups (“I Will Survive”—whether Gaynor or Cake is obviously a personal decision), and long car rides (“500 Miles” by the Proclaimers, played on heavy repeat). But what about those non-milestone moments? What to play during those most awkward of awkward silences?
To that end, we present: The Soundtrack of Your Life, a playlist designed to help you get through those times when a simple mash-up of Tom Jones and Metallica just won’t suffice.
When You Need to Tell Your Coworker That You Accidentally Grabbed His Wife’s Boob at the Company Holiday Party:
When You’re About to Accidentally-On Purpose Walk in on Your Roommate Having Sex:
When the Cops are Closing in and You Know it’s Finally Time to Let Your Prisoner Out of the Basement:
When Your Homophobic Coworker Ambles Over to Discuss Prop 8. Again.: (Video NSFW)
When You Have to Inform Your Partner That You’re Giving Him or Her a Venereal Disease:
When You’re Shopping at Babeland:
When You Need to Tell Your Girlfriend You’re Actually Gay:
When You Need to Tell Your Boyfriend You’re Actually Gay:
Remember: just because Hallmark doesn’t make a card for it doesn’t mean you won’t get through it.
DahlELama and The_Obvious are BFFs who spend a lot of time yelling at the TV, thinking that they’re hilarious, and marveling over the fact that they both eat Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches for lunch every day. This is their first collaboration. They promise the next one will be funnier.
Note: This column is for people who like basketball or at the very least are interested in some kind of sport. If you hate intense discussion about sweaty dudes putting balls through a net then go away, I hate you, and wish all the bad things in life happen to you. Also, click on the photos for video fun.
Basketball, more specifically the NBA is my favorite sport to follow. Considering I am barely 5’10” and have a hitch in my shot that would embarrass Bill Cartwright, it always amazes me the incredible feats of athleticism basketball players are capable of producing on a routine basis. In this humble peasant’s opinion, they consistently pull off the most amazing highlights. Even the most hipster-y sports hater dreams of being able to dunk a basketball. Maybe the sport has never appealed to you; maybe you think college ball is better and more “pure.” I say to you, it’s never been a better time to follow the NBA. Thanks to a couple of stacked draft classes in the past few years and the seemingly never-ending careers of other stars the league has never been full of so much talent. Seeing as how the league’s All-Star weekend is coming up in a few days, I thought it’d be a good idea to break down some of the more interesting storylines of this season.
I am Blake Griffin, Destroyer of Worlds: Drafted by the Clippers in 2009, he promptly shattered his left kneecap and had to
sit out a full season, an appropriate start for the heralded savior of one of the unluckiest sports franchises out there. However, this season Blake has shown why he was worthy of that #1 pick and done something no one thought possible, he’s made the LA Clippers worth watching. I could write a post solely about Griffin, but it’s safe to say you have to see him to believe it. He plays with an absolute disregard for his own personal safety and treats the rim as if it killed his whole family. The rim-rocking dunks, the never-ending alley-oops, he’s 21 years old and already putting the fear of god into opponents. His entry into the Slam Dunk Competition promises to be legendary.
Derrick Rose and the Rebirth of Chicago: 
It’s safe to say that I love Derrick Rose more than my family and wish to have his babies (if it were biologically possible). The humble, mumbly 22 year old from one of the roughest neighborhoods in the city has skyrocketed into the national scene. In a city dominated by crappy baseball and football he has gotten people to care about basketball again. After two solid but unspectacular seasons Derrick has taken the famous “leap” that most basketball players do in their third year. As a hometown kid there was always pressure to succeed but it’s never fazed Rose. He’s simply gotten better in every aspect of the game and done it with an “aw shucks” mentality that is hard to hate. Even at such a young age he has wowed his peers. Other superstars go on Twitter and say Rose is their favorite player to watch. He simply does things a 6’3” guard should not be capable of doing. The perfect combination of size, speed, strength, and big rippling muscles….sorry what are we talking about again?
The Oklahoma City Thunder: Making it Hard to Remember Seattle. Thanks to the NBA assisted swindling of the Seattle Supersonics, jackass grease-ball owner Clay Bennett was allowed to move a franchise with nearly 50 years of history in the Pacific Northwest to the basketball haven of…Oklahoma City? To the surprise of everyone, the OKC residents took the Thunder in and treated them like a newborn baby. They provided endless support to the point that home games remind one of a college atmosphere. With a likable core of youngsters led by Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, the Thunder have made a quick turnaround from cellar-dweller into perennial playoff contender. The smooth shot of Durant combined with the jaw-dropping athleticism of Westbrook make the Thunder a must-see attraction.
The Miami Heat and the Player Hater’s Ball: By this time everyone knows about the ugly publicity stunt LeBron pulled back
in July of 2010. That he left Cleveland for South Beach wasn’t a big deal, it was the absolute shamelessness of forcing a loyal fanbase to watch ESPN for an hour just so they could have their heart stomped on. Joining forces with the “RuPaul of big men” Chris Bosh and very handsome but still giant dickbag Dwayne Wade the Heat were expected to blow the league out of the water. Though they’ve been downright impressive there’s a sense that no one really fears the Heat. Derrick Rose notably did not bother to recruit James or Wade last summer. The Boston Celtics have smacked Miami around like rag dolls in their three meetings. How will their Eastern Conference teammates treat them during what is typically a lighthearted exhibition game?
Now obviously I’ve only scratched the surface of what has honestly been the most fun 50+ games of basketball since the mid-90s (believe me, I have watched a lot of shitty games). But it does highlight a growing talent pool, which only creates more competitive teams and entertaining matchups. The league has suffered through an image crisis for years due to its close association with hip-hop culture but it’s safe to say the future has never looked brighter for a post-MJ world.
Adrianne Palicki of Friday Night Lights fame has been cast as Wonder Woman after a long search for an even longer project that has finally found a home with NBC and David E. Kelley as producer.
It would seem that most every raven-haired actress from Angelina Jolie to Beyonce’ Knowles were either considered or expressed interest in reprising the role. Most recently rumors swirled when Mad Men star, Christina Hendricks remarked how excited she would be to take on the part. A far cry from the sentiments of Megan Fox, best known for mounting motorcycles in the Transformers movies, when she scorned the possibility of tackling the role and stated that she found Wonder Woman to be “lame,” sparking fury and contempt among the purists, and even garnering some disdain from Lynda Carter the iconic actress who played the role in the 1970’s version of the show.
Purists now believe that Palicki is a good fit, and Carter has given her blessing for her newly named successor to slap on the wristlets and tighten up her lasso. At 5”11, she certainly has the height and stature to play the Amazonian princess. And due to her appeal on Friday Night Lights as Tyra Collette, many find that she has the gravitas to handle the role, much unlike her costar Minka Kelly who may have enjoyed rumors that she too should be considered as the femme crime fighter. It’s certainly possible that if she were in the running, the most recent showing of her latest cinematic efforts in the movie The Roommate found those rumors effectively squashed. The Roommate earned a shameful 6% on the Tomatometer according to the Rotten Tomatoes review website. Not the highest endorsement.
Given the appeal of Palicki the only concerns that remain surrounds the plot and writing. Joss Whedon of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly fame was tapped to write a theatrical adaptation, but that version has been shelved indefinitely. Stepping in his place for the small screen version is acclaimed writer-producer David E. Kelley of Ally McBeal fame who already has a completed pilot. The early response to Kelley’s inaugural effort has not been good. Jace Lacob of the Daily Beast has called it “laughably bizarre.” and says, “Wonder Woman is presented as a weepy career woman-slash-superheroine with three identities.” Wowsa! What just what? He goes on to say that she’s “cloying” and “tragically un-hip.” Definitely not what you want to hear going into a new television series. And NBC, currently in fourth place according to recent ratings, can’t afford another failure.
Which makes one wonder given the current trajectory of The Cape and other failed series on the once prolific network, is NBC the best place for an iconic series of this ilk? Will the network responsible for reboots of The Bionic Woman and Knight Rider, both succumbing to quick cancellation, be able to pull this one off?
My instincts tell me to be quite wary.
Other than some talk of the upcoming plot and pilot there’s been no word as of late as to the costumery of the new Wonder Woman, which I assume could start much debate, especially since in the comic version she recently appeared in pants to the chagrin of many fans. I happen to like the symbolic bustier and short shorts, even if outdated, it’s still nostalgic. Should it be verboten since we’re apparently a much more sensitive viewing public?
For me, I like the whole package. A woman who could kick ass, command an invisible plane, and still look sexy as all get out while doing it. Who’s to say that’s not still feminist?
What do you think? How does the new Wonder Woman pilot sound? (Palicki aside….sounds like crap to me!) And should Wonder Woman get a 2011 makeover?
This is going to be the first in a regular series designed to encourage creativity in the comments section.
Christopher Evans once described science fiction as the “literature of the ‘what-if?'” What if it were possible to travel to another planet? What if aliens invaded the Earth? What if it were possible to time travel?
That final question is going to be our first what-if subject today.
For inspiration, I would like to turn to the amazing independent fantasy film, The Navigator: A Medaeval Odyssey, about a group of medieval monks who travel to the 20th century and try to find meaning in it. As they are from the middle ages, they see everything in religious terms and turn the whole thing into an allegory.
Let’s make this a little simpler though, since this is our first outing. Imagine a scientific experiment where an Irish monk from the 14th century is brought into the present day, but is unable to be sent back again. This is in a controlled environment, so he has not been exposed to the outside world yet. It is your job to help him understand this world he is going to go out into. You must describe one object from our modern era in terms he can understand. This will be translated by expert linguists into his language, so you can write it in plain English (avoid cheesy thees and thous), but you must describe it in terms of things that existed in Europe no later than the 14th century.
I will begin, using something relatively easy to describe, a car.
A car is much like a horse and cart, but it is entirely clad in a thick armor, so you cannot see what moves the cart. It is a very swift creature that moves it, because it goes faster than any horse can run, making a loud roar as it goes. Despite looking like something fit for battle, these are used peacefully to transport several people and goods across long distances. You do not need to be afraid of cars and will probably ride inside of them, but stay away from them when they move and make sure to look carefully for them when crossing the broad roads on which they travel.
Your turn!
Hi all, hope you are having a lovely day. Here’s some music to start you off:
That should get you going. Have a great day.
Are you experiencing a slowdown in the speed at which you download kittens that look like Hitler? It might be the Sun’s fault. (Not really, but I can’t think of a way to open this.) On Monday, the Sun shot off an X 2 flare aimed at Earth. Solar flares are large eruptions in the atmosphere of the Sun. The white spot in the center of the above photo supplied by NASA shows this particular flare. They follow an 11 year cycle between activity, and dormancy, and are currently ramping up to a peak in May of 2013. The cycle is a result of the Sun’s magnetic field reversing itself. Every 11 years, its north pole becomes its south pole, and vice versa.
Solar flares are measured according to a scale that starts with A, B, C, M, or X. A is the small end of the scale, while X is the large end. The largest flare ever recorded was an X 28, or the equivalent to a magnitude 25 earthquake back in 2003. X flares, if they are aimed at Earth, are the ones we need to worry about. While the smaller ones may either bounce harmlessly off our magnetic field, or cause aurorae, the larger M and X class flares could disrupt communications here on Earth. Satellites don’t like excess energy, and solar flares are a massive stream of protons that can destroy these things. Already, there are interruptions with radio communication being reported in southern China.
The flare kicked off on Monday, and took eight minutes to hit Earth, because it travels at the speed of light, However, with the larger flares comes something called a Coronal Mass Ejection, which takes several days to reach Earth. This is where the nasty stuff is. A CME back in 1989 knocked out power to 6 million people in Quebec for more than 9 hours.
The CME from this flare is expected to hit sometime today. While nobody is telling people to run to Arken’s fall-out shelter, they do expect some hiccups in communications systems over the next few days.
This video will show you what the solar flare looks like, and help you to understand that the Sun is one giant disco. The juicy stuff hits about 20 seconds in.
Life takes dedication. As we all know, second best is really the first worst. To succeed in our uber-competitive world, where only the strongest survive to get into a decent preschool, it is never too soon to set the standards that others will follow. Thus begins our lessons in competitive parenting.
If you are expecting, or expecting to be expecting some day, you are lucky to gestate in the modern era. Thanks to social media, today’s expectant parents no longer have to suffer through months of anxiety and anticipation in silence. You can gain immediate validation and affirmation online, any time, for your literal navel gazing. Here are some guidelines for making social media work for you during your pregnancy.
Facebook is a must. If you are not currently on Facebook, or quit in disgust when all of your friends posted preggo updates all day, every day, now is the time to activate your account and enact your revenge! Be sure to friend everyone you know, however tangentially. And your professional colleagues want in on this, too. Trust me, everyone wants to share in your joy by watching your burgeoning belly expand, almost in real time. (Hey! There’s an idea…time-lapsed pregnancy videos!)
Be sure to post pictures of your belly each week. If you want to be cool yet servicey, give a nod to Dylan by holding a hand-numbered sign showing your gestational week in each shot.
People will notice if you skip a week, so do not let them down! Added bonus: shortly after each picture posts, your ego and hormones can be boosted with strings of compliments like, “You look great, Mama!” or “Even preggo, you are adorbs!” or “Love the new outtie! Your bellybutton looks so cute poking through your shirt!”
While uploading pictures, be sure to update your status. Today, people enjoy sharing their medical records! You’ll get plenty of quality medical advice about how to deal with swollen ankles and constipation from your friends and family and that girl from junior high who got a hot dog stuck in her hoo-hoo.
Don’t hesitate to crowd-source Facebook for product recommendations. Mobilize the armies of mommies online, poised at the ready to share their experiences with the least smothering sling or the crib painted with acceptable levels of lead paint. Uber-parents must get the best of everything and have it all before the baby arrives. Yes, people used to let their babies sleep in dresser drawers, but they also used to change their own oil and talk on phones with cords. This is now!
Start a blog. A blog is imperative. A pregnancy blog is the perfect place to expand in long form on your daily trials and tribulations while waiting anxiously for your uterus to explode. Really, you should have created one before you got pregnant to chart your attempts at conception, but it isn’t too late to start now. Use it to coordinate your multi-state, multi-event baby showers, guest lists, and gift registries. And while there are no limits to what you write about, keep in mind that most pregnancy blogs take one of two thematic approaches:
• OMG! What is happening to my body and my life?!, or
• I am so blessed to have the perfect family, spouse, job, house, life, and soon-to-be baby.
Twitter is perfect for pre-borns. Just because they aren’t free of the womb, babies should not be restricted from tweeting. Do sign up for a Twitter account in the baby’s name or come up with something really cute and creative, like BabyDouche. That way, your baby can tweet delightful missives from the womb: “Gross! I may need therapy. It was kind of dark and mostly muffled, but I’m pretty sure I felt ‘it.’” If you tweet as yourself, you should give a daily pregnancy update, two or three on sonogram days. Remember: moderation is out! There is no such thing as over-sharing.
Email is not totally over yet. It may be a dying art, but there is some value in securing an email account for your pending spawn ASAP. If your top choice of name is not available at Gmail, you can tweak the spelling of the child’s name or use another middle initial to get the right email address. Your child will have to live with this email address for life – it is import
ant to lock it down now.
YouTube. Make a channel for your pregnancy videos. While you can’t upload actual birth videos, you can start making a digital scrapbook of clips of You! Being Pregnant! If you’re lucky, you’ll go viral with a hilarious video of your water breaking during your prenatal tap dancing class. Shuffle-toe-tap-swoosh!
Our lives will be lived out loud and online! Dive in, pre-parents! What could possibly go wrong?
NPR recently ran a story on women and pay raises/promotions, a topic that has been near and dear to my heart for a few years now.
I am loathe to admit this, but for many years I was an absolute steal of an employee. With a background in non-profit work and education, I bought into the line that we had no money or were facing a deficit or any other number of excuses (real or imagined) about our financial situation that caused me to never once ask for a raise for the first eight years of my career. I’d never negotiated a starting pay either.
My mentors over the years had been wonderful for many things. I learned to teach well, to write well, and to become decent at graphic design – a skill that does not come naturally to me. But not a single one of them taught me how to network or negotiate.
Networking came naturally. I’m an extrovert and genuinely like most people. But negotiating…ugh…
I’m going to admit that I didn’t really understand that negotiating existed. I thought, essentially, that if I was offered a job that I needed to jump on it and take it or it would somehow evaporate. Asking for money was so foreign that I didn’t even think to do it, and if I did I was ashamed of seeming greedy.
Now, that said, I am in the process of turning that around. And for those of you who are like I was, I want to take you with me. I’m going to start with a number.
40. As in 40%. As in my income has increased 40% from three years ago when I changed how I thought about myself and my worth.
A little over three years ago, a colleague got it through my thick skull that I had too thoroughly absorbed the societal expectation for a nice, Midwestern woman. She was right. “Don’t push too hard,” my mother said when I told her how much less I made than younger, less educated male counterparts at my organization, “they might fire you.”
I finally realized the quandry I’d put myself and been put in. Push yourself hard at work, do a great job, get praise and accolades and attention – but not money. Pushing for money will make you disliked or worse. (The research NPR cites supports that, to be honest).
I want to tell you how I did this, and YMMV. I also want to acknowledge that this does not override the discrimination that many women face that is very, very real. Like a friend who worked somewhere where all the men got raises and the employers told the women, and I quote, that the men “needed it more because they are heads of households.” What that points to is the need to be more strategic and more adept at manipulating a situation. And that sucks.
I’d also really like if others shared their strategies in comments – or stories. And make sure we know if you’re male or female, because I hate to say it, but that matters in what strategy you take.
Without further ado:
I want to note that none of what I was asking was excessive for my background/profession. In fact, my old boss said I could have gotten more. He’s right, but this kind of financial self-advocacy is a work in progress and I am emotionally exhausted from all of that.
Are you one of those people who leaves a football game in the fourth quarter if it’s raining, or if your team is up by four touchdowns, or you want to beat the traffic, or you’re just generally kind of feeling like a pansy that day? If so, you are not qualified to be a University of Alabama fan. In fact, I hope you never meet any Alabama fans, because they would sense the pansy in you and eat you for lunch. Perhaps literally.
Yesterday, Auburn University announced that the two giant oak trees at historic Toomer’s Corner have been poisoned and will likely not survive, which comes two weeks after an Alabama fan who identified himself only as “Al from Dadeville” called in to Paul Finebaum’s radio show (which is a whole different circus of insanity that I encourage you to explore on your own time) and claimed to have administered a lethal dose of herbicide to the trees following the Crimson Tide’s defeat in the Iron Bowl. Since Al from Dadeville is an Alabama fan, he obviously didn’t claim responsibility by using such big words, but you get the idea.
Trees might not seem like a big deal to the uninitiated, but they’re central to the most Auburn-y of Auburn football traditions: Rolling Toomer’s Corner with toilet paper after a victory. Killing the trees at Toomer’s Corner is akin to a Michigan fan blowing up The Horseshoe and then pissing on the rubble or an Oklahoma fan shooting Bevo in the head and butchering him for steaks. Not only is it a drastic act of crazed fandom (and, it must be noted, sore-loserdom), but it’s also at least vaguely illegal; the FBI has opened an investigation because the poison used to kill the trees may have seeped into Auburn’s groundwater. Al from Dadeville potentially succeeded into sorta-poisoning not just the trees but the whole town, the prospect of which I can only imagine would make him nothing less than sexually excited.
The Great Toomer’s Tree Tragedy marks the second time in the past six months that an FBI investigation has rubbed up against the Auburn-Alabama football rivalry (the first involved dog track impresario and Auburn booster Milton McGregor and his possible financial involvement with some guy named Cameron Newton, a young man of whom I have certainly never heard and on whom I would cast nary an aspersion), clearly setting some sort of asinine fan-scandal record for American sports. We all have a lot of catching up to do in order to be the kinds of fans who commit not just regular felonies, but federal offenses for our teams of choice.
As a Georgia fan and somewhat impartial third party, I’m not really sure where I stand. My first thought was, “Sounds like something an Auburn fan would do,” which is perhaps even more telling when you consider the fact that my sainted mother is an Auburn alumna. And really, the only way that an Alabama fan could have cut further to the core of the Auburn fanbase would have been to hide Cam Newton’s Crest WhiteStrips. Killing the trees could have been an act of vicious brilliance if Al from Dadeville had only found it within himself to let them die silently, but like the moron he most surely is, he had to call in and claim ownership for the Crimson Tide. If a redneck sports fan does something rash and doesn’t document it on sports talk radio, does it still count? Of course not.
Which means that the real endgame of this whole debacle is not that the historic trees are about to be actual history, but that Auburn has a free shot at Alabama, one which surely no one will begrudge them, and Auburn fans can take that shot on as grand a scale as they see fit. Mostly because Alabama deserves it, but also partly because they’re already Auburn, the Dick Cheney of modern college football, so no one will be surprised when they retaliate. If I were them, I’d start trying to figure out some way to sell Nick Saban into white slavery immediately.
UPDATED: The man arrested this morning for the tree murders, Harvey Almorn Updyke, has children named Crimson and Bear. You cannot make this shit up. He was also never an Alabama student and has never been a season ticket holder.
Earlier: Trees at Toomer’s Corner poisoned via ESPN.com
