It’s Almost Happy Hour Open Thread

551 comments

Good afternoon. I know from our site stats that this is the time of day when most of you stop in to waste time at work. Welcome. Please open an excel spreadsheet that you can quickly switch to when your boss walks by. In honor of the President’s Day weekend here is some presidential trivia.

• George Washington was the only president who did not represent a political party.

• James Madison was the first president to wear trousers rather than knee breeches.

• John Quincy Adams regularly swam nude in the Potomac River. The first American professional journalist, Anne Royall, knew of Adams’ 5:00 a.m. swims. After being refused interviews with Adams many times, she went to the river, gathered his clothes and sat on them until she had her interview. Before this, no female had interviewed a president.

• Andrew Jackson was the first American president to experience and survive an assassination attempt. Jackson was at the Capitol when an unemployed house painter fired a pistol at him. The pistol misfired. The would-be assassin drew a second pistol, which also misfired.

•William Henry Harrison delivered the longest inaugural address, and was the first president to die in office, about 32 days after elected. On March 4, he gave a 105 minute speech and did not wear an overcoat or hat. He developed pneumonia and died in the White House exactly one month after giving his speech, on April 4.

• Chester A. Arthur was nicknamed “Elegant Arthur” because of his fashion sense.

Have a great weekend. I will be celebrating in Washington DC because I love America more than you and I don’t want the terrorists to win.

All The Hipsters Are Moving Into ‘Rhino’s Testicle’

42 comments

I don’t know about you, but I think South Sudan is a real up-and-comer in the international league of BATSHIT INSANE NATIONS. I think this is their plan:

1. Gain your independence.

After years fighting a civil war against the Northern-dominated central government of Sudan, South Sudan will become the world’s newest nation back in July of this year. So far, so good. Everyone loves the new guy at the U.N.

2. Elect a Cool Guy as president.

I’m fairly sure President-Elect Salva Kiir Mayardit was the genius behind the “Speakerboxx” album.

3. Get access to 80 percent of Sudan’s oil production.

What could go wrong? Oil wealth is pretty much the easiest way to make your people suddenly appreciate the opulence of solid gold toilets and feel a sense of perpetual happiness (mainly due to pooping in aforementioned solid gold toilets).

4. Profit.

This is oil. There is no fucking “????” step.

5. Develop your nation’s human capital.

With all that oil money coming in, here’s your chance to invest in programs that raise development levels. South Sudan will invest in hings like new schools, better medical facilities and universities in order to diversify its economy and not become too dependent on oil revenues like, ahem, every other country that has been cursed with oil.

5. Build cities in the shape of awesome shit like animals, and fruit.

With the sudden massive inflow of foreign capital, you’re suddenly VERY FUCKING RICH, South Sudan. Don’t plan for tomorrow. Build huge cities in cool shapes. And spend $10.1 billion doing it. What could go wrong with this plan?

City Guide: Cleveland Rocks

35 comments

(Author’s Note: City Guide is an effort to serve as both an education about some of the great places on this little planet of ours, as well as offer a resource for folks who might have to travel someplace they’ve never been for work, a wedding, whatever, and don’t want to spend 3 days eating at Applebee’s and drinking Labatt Blue at the hotel bar.)

Frequently, when I tell folks that I live in Cleveland, and have done so for close to 15 years, the looks I get are a combination of pity, bewilderment, and sometimes, disdain.   Much of what they know about the city is that the river caught fire in 1969, LeBron James gave us the finger on national TV, and our own residents make music videos mocking the city.  Often, it’s accompanied by an assumption that I’m allergic to the sun, love icy roads, or possess an aversion to sports teams that win more than 40% of their games.

I can assure you, dear readers, that it is certainly none of those things (though, I admittedly don’t tan very well).  Simply, I love living here.  It’s an eclectic, historic city that, like many of its Midwest brethren, is always trying to overcome the image of a sorry, broken down shell of a place.    In reality, there’s something for just about everyone here, assuming you get pointed in the right direction. That’s my job.

So? When should I show up? While Cleveland is known as both a football town and a cold weather city, the best time to visit is sometime between early May and mid-late September. It’s the time of year to enjoy the waterfront along Lake Erie (stop snickering), the park system, and the various bar patios around the city (most likely).

I’m here! How do I get around? Chances are, you arrived in Cleveland either by plane or automobile.  If you’re going to be here for more than a day or so, or have any interest in exploring beyond downtown, you’ll want to rent a car if you didn’t drive yourself in, or aren’t visiting a friend that can cart your cheap ass around.  Things are spread out enough that cab fares aren’t worth it, and Cleveland’s above-ground rail, well, sucks.  In most cases, parking isn’t terribly difficult to find, or expensive, especially not by New York or Chicago standards.


Fine, but I’m not sleeping in a rental car. Now what? If I have a quarrel with Cleveland, it’s a lack of unique/interesting hotels. All the major chains are represented, but for a boutique type hotel, you’ll have to trek 10 miles east of downtown, which isn’t worth it for most folks. Stay downtown, please. If you’ve got the cash, and you want some luxury, the Ritz-Carlton on W. 3rd is a beautifully old, but updated, tower of class. For the other 98%, the Residence Inn Marriott on Prospect was completely renovated in 2009-10, is walking distance from most downtown attractions, and inside an historic old building itself.

Terrific, but hotel food stinks. Feed me. Well, my friend, you’ve now landed in the Midwest’s wheelhouse: Food. If you’ve noticed our obesity statistics over the years, you’ve likely concluded that we know how to cook and eat quite well. True enough, and Cleveland is overstuffed with options.

For those of you who dig the celebrity chef thing, Cleveland native Michael Symon (former Iron Chef, current Food Network star) has several restaurants in the area, all of whom rely on local ingredients. The most expensive, Lola, is right downtown. His original restaurant, Lolita, is located in the Tremont neighborhood, and is more moderately priced. Reservations are recommended at both. He also has what’s widely regarded as the best burger place in town, the B-Spot.

Your famous chef doesn’t impress me, what else you got? Slightly less famous is Melt Bar & Grilled, which has encampments on both the near west and east sides, and has been featured on Travel Channel’s Man V. Food. A kitschy amalgamation of hipster and punk rock decor, Melt is a semi-local legend. As you can deduce, the focus here is on grilled cheese sandwiches, but in the grown up way. A word of advice: unless you’ve got three hours to kill, go at an oddly off-peak time of day, or better yet, place the order to go. Melt’s specialty is sandwiches, not turning tables.

The best pizza in Cleveland can be found just west of downtown, at Angelo’s in Lakewood. A thick buttery crust and sauce with just a twinge of sweetness has made it one of the more popular local joints for the last 30 years.

Vegetarians and vegans will do well to stop by Tommy’s in Coventry, on the near east side. Serving the progressive population of Cleveland Heights for decades, Tommy’s has a mix of vegetarian and non-vegetarian options, including spectacular milkshakes for both.

Finally, for authentic Italian, and tons of options, stop by Little Italy. An eclectic mix of old, classic restaurants and new, contemporary Italian offerings are available. Frankly, I can’t identify a restaurant where you’d go wrong in that part of the city.

I changed my mind. I just want to drink.

If you like micro-brews (and who doesn’t?) the absolute number one place to go in Cleveland is Great Lakes Brewery in Ohio City. Bearing at least 12 different high quality beers on tap at any given time, all of them brewed in house, and many of them of the high ABV variety, GLBC is the very best Northeast Ohio has to offer in terms of beer. The food’s pretty decent as well, with a variety of stepped up pub fair.Tip: Start off with the flagship beer, Dortmunder Gold, and finish yourself off with a Blackout Stout.

As an added bonus, there are half a dozen other bars of various size and style within 3 blocks of Great Lakes, and all on the same main thoroughfare, for those that prefer to do a little bar hopping.

No, wait. I want to drink and dance. That’s fine too. You probably want to check out the Warehouse District along West 6th and West 9th Streets. Aptly named for the fact that the bars, clubs, and condos along the lake front are fashioned from old warehouses, the Warehouse District is where a lot of young folks congregate for drinking and dancing. The most low key bar along this stretch is the Map Room on W. 9th, for people who are older than 27, or don’t enjoy getting lightly felt up while waiting 20 minutes for a beer. Alright, so, dance clubs aren’t Cleveland’s strong point, or mine.

I need something more low-key. Then you want either Tremont (highlights include the classier 806, or the more hole in the wall Treehouse, with a giant outdoor space), or the corridor along East 4th St. Both feature a wide variety of bars and great restaurants.

Great, but I already figured out people in the Midwest could eat and drink. What else do you slobs do?

Well, that depends on what you are into. Let’s knock some easy stuff out of the way.

Yes, Cleveland is home to three allegedly professional sports teams. At the time of this writing, not a one of them are worth the price of admission on their own. For people who have an appreciation of the architecture of baseball stadiums, Progressive Field (though here, it’s always going to be Jacobs Field, don’t ask) is a beautiful facility. Tip: Show up about 30 minutes or so before game time, walk up and buy an $8 upper deck ticket, and set up shop at the Batter’s Eye Bar behind center field. It’s a better view, and a full service bar makes the Indians about 50% more watchable.

For the outdoorsy types, the Cleveland Metroparks spread throughout the city, and include the very cool Cleveland Zoo. The parks have over 60 miles of paved trails, many along the smaller creeks and rivers that feed into Lake Erie. The trails are perfect for bicycling, running, or even taking a walk.  Frankly, if you ate dinner at Melt and had a night cap at Great Lakes, you could probably use a walk.

What about culture? Cleveland has it in spades: art museums, theater, and music. The highlights:

The Great Lakes Science Center is nerd-topia (in a good way), especially now that they’ve added the NASA visitor center from nearby Glenn Research Center.

The Museum of Natural History is another gem, and a great place to take kids (or, 30 year old men) who are into dinosaurs.

The Cleveland Orchestra is widely recognized as one of the best in the business. The best way to see them is outdoors, at Blossom Music Center in the summer. Rumor has it, you can bring your own wine. Why they don’t allow this for say, Toby Keith, I won’t ask.

For things that aren’t as, well, mainstream, I suggest:

The Tremont Art Walk. About two dozen galleries and locally owned boutiques open for extended hours on the second Friday of each month.

During Christmas, check out the Bazaar Bizarre, a collection of local merchants selling hand-made, quality local clothes, accessories, and art. Like so many events in Cleveland, it takes place in an old warehouse that’s been converted into a multi-floor art space.  Another tip:  Go early in the day.  By lunch time, it gets a little difficult to navigate.

Alright, what can I skip? The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, while quite famous, is generally less interesting and interactive than Seattle’s Experience Music Project, despite being much larger in square footage.

Also, orchestra concert aside, if you can avoid Blossom Music Center, please do.  It’s in the middle of nowhere, parking stinks, getting in and out is a nightmare, and there hasn’t been a structural or sound system improvement to the place in about 25 years.   If you’re in the region and want to see your favorite band, just drive out to Star Lake near Pittsburgh.

Great. Now, I want a souvenir, but shot glasses are tacky. Well then, good sir, you are in luck.  The CLE Clothing company sells a number of Cleveland centric shirts and accessories (including stuff to cover ladies no-no parts!). As an added bonus, they sell online, in case you forget to stop by their store downtown.

So, boys and girls, that’s Cleveland.  River fire free since 1969!

Images: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Cleveland%27s_reflection.jpg

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ojbyrne/2783908574/

Crazy Parents

85 comments

Our son, who is 3, is playing soccer. He’s in a 2.5 to 4 year old league. You can just imagine the skill level. My purpose in enrolling him was two-fold. First of all, he looks adorable in the uniform. That might have been my primary reason. Secondly, I need to find activities to wear him out. He’s got a lot of energy and if I don’t do something to wear him out, he’s up half the night. Since I am somewhat handicapped, it can be hard for me to do that on my own.

He’s played two games, and when I say “Played”, I mean he’s sat on my or my husband’s lap during two games. He doesn’t seem to be too interested in playing, which is a little annoying, but isn’t that big of a deal. He’s 3. Even if he does better than anyone else in the league, he is only likely to hit the ball in one out of 50 kicks. Clearly, skill isn’t the focus. I actually think, as far as the kids are concerned, that juice boxes are the focus. The parents are mainly there for their own amusement.

At least most of the parents. Tonight I had my first glimpse of the insane sports parents in the earliest available incarnation. They spent most of the game screaming at their daughter, Lucy, who is not even on our team, but showed up to substitute. Poor Lucy (who is THREE) didn’t even know the coach or the other players since it wasn’t her regular team. Her father led much of the shouting. He sounded exactly like Ray Barone if Ray Barone was about to have a stroke from tension.
Here are a few samples:
• “Dammit Lucy, I showed up to see you PLAY!!”
• “Lucy, you’re not focused!”
• “Lucy, you are running around aimlessly!”
• “Dammit Sheila (or whatever his wife’s name is), she’s not even trying!”

I wanted to ask “Trying to what, exactly?” Steal the ball from the kid who is picking his nose? Score a goal, since the net is wide open because the other team’s defense is picking flowers? Wind sprint across the field and slide tackle the kid who has taken his shoes off? What the heck was Lucy’s objective?

I found out a little later that this is Lucy’s second (SECOND!) season of soccer. That explains why Lucy was so far ahead of her teammates. She knew where the field was and seemed to understand that the game began in the center of the field. This gave her a huge advantage over the kids who ran over to their mommies every time the whistle sounded. (My son never got off my lap in the first place and thus was never startled by the whistle).

I don’t know Lucy’s parents at all, but I’m sure they will be easy to track down over the years. They’ll be screaming at the coach at her first grade tee ball games and her father will publicly threaten to disown her when she doesn’t catch a fly ball at her seventh grade softball game. Lucy (she’s 3) is in for a loooong 15 years of parental encouragement. I just hope she doesn’t end up graduating first in her rehab class.
Godspeed, Lucy.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/archer10/3728919227/

Life, Death and Violence: A Study of February 18

40 comments

It’s Freaky Friday here on your favorite column about the past: Life, Death and Violence! What makes Freaky Friday different from any other day? It’s freaky! Like Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan switching bodies or Jimmy Johns’ delivery service, history just went insane today. Like, L. Ron Hubbard insane, so TGIF and let’s get through this together, step by step.*

LIFE! (Good idea: Anti-folk. Bad idea: Breaking up The Beatles)

  • 1516: Queen Mary I of England: You’d think that as Catholics we’d be super into Mary since she reinstated Catholicism after the hedonistic, Protestant rein of Henry VIII. You’d be wrong. Why? Because.
  • 1848: Louis Comfort Tiffany: Celebrities! They’re just like yesterday’s celebrities! What with the giving their kids weird names. At least the guy who founded Tiffany and Co. had the good sense to give his child an embarrassing middle name as opposed to a first name where everyone can see it and all. Lou was into glass blowing as opposed to silver, like his daddy, and, like any great artist from money, he spent a few years in Brooklyn honing his craft and drinking craft beer. He’s noted for redecorating the White House while not in the Important Political Role that is first ladydom. Glass! This is our favorite kind of glass:

We’re pretty sure Tiffany’s was involved in the creation of this rare type of glass.

  • 1906: Hans Asperger: FUCK YOU BITCH. YOU’RE A FUCKING CHILD. I’m sorry, that was my asperger’s.** WHORE
  • 1933: Yoko Ono***: The noted visionary, performance artist, destroyer of bands and media personality turns 78 today. Scream for Yoko! Scream for life! Scream for freedom! Scream for the future! Scream for Bungalow Bill! Just Scream! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yoko Loves You. We Love You Back Yoko and We’ve Written You a Haiku

Japanese Lady
Screaming Like a Wild Banshee
Babies Are Children

Yoko, Ann Liv Young has something to say to you****


 

  • 1968: Molly Ringwald: She’s no Yoko, but the 80s teen dream stole our hearts and made us feel good about being a ginger. Funny lady!
  • 1980: Regina Spektor: Regina, we need to talk. We love you. Soviet Kitsch is one of our favorite albums, but you’ve been shafted, girl. It’s Yoko’s day. We’re sorry. It’s not you. It’s us.


 

DEATH! (Yoko didn’t die today, so she can’t hog death, too. Sorry Yoko!)

Sorry Martin Luther and Kublai Khan! Someone else died today and we need to share some stories. There’s a joke we like to tell people that gets the occasional laugh: We’re sorry that we’re having such trouble with this piece x, but, you know, we’re young, tortured gay artists with ADD, you know, just like:

  • 1564: Michelangelo: Michelangelo Buonarotti is, hands down, our favorite artist in the entirety of art history, and it’s not just because of his work which is beyond spectacular. The sculptor (and don’t you dare call him a painter. He signed the Sistine Chapel “Michelangelo, Sculptor”) was the driving force behind the Italian Renaissance and, as he got older, Italian Mannerism. We really encourage everyone to read as much as they can about Michelangelo, but we’d like to share a story about a man, his mother, and a leg.

Everyone knows Michelangelo’s Pieta. A serene sculpture housed in St. Peter’s Basilica, reluctantly signed only because it was being attributed to other artists.  A critic of the day declared it a travesty, his main point that Mary looked far too young to be the mother of a thirty-three year old man. She looked to be in her twenties, he said. Michelangelo’s response? Virgins don’t age.

However, Michelangelo constructed a second Pieta that is far less known and, like many of his works (actually, all of his works with the exception of the Roman Pieta), is unfinished (yes, David and Moses are unfinished. We’ll get to that. Hold tight). This Pieta is a little unconventional as it is agreed upon by the art community to be a Pieta, but the composition is more similar to the Descent From the Cross. It is therefore occasionally referred to as The Deposition

Please take a second to think about what is wrong with this sculpture. Go on, we can wait. We’re just going to listen to a little Yoko while you do so.


 

Ready? Good. If you answered, Jesus is missing a leg, you’re correct, but before we get to why Jesus is missing a leg, it’s noteworthy to point out that the figure of Nicodemus (possibly Joseph of Arimathea) is widely thought to be a self-portrait. Michelangelo has inserted himself into the scene as the man who would prepare Jesus for burial. We think that reeks of egoism, but we’re pretty egotistical ourselves so it just gives us another reason to compare ourselves to Michelangelo despite zero sculpting ability.

Anyways, why is Jesus missing a leg? If you notice, it seems that the leg was draped over Mary’s thigh (his mother; Mary Magdalene is to his right (viewer’s left) and was sculpted by Tiberio Calcagni, not Michelangelo). Back in the 16th century, this particular position was considered heavily erotic and quite salacious. Upon recognizing that this is what he sculpted, Michelangelo started smashing the work, believing it to be evidence of potential incestuous lust for his own mother until he was held back by his assistants. They were able to mostly fix it, but not the leg. Michelangelo, even after his violent outburst, continued to labor over it until he discovered an impurity in the marble that had gone unnoticed. He gave the work to his servant who then sold it to a man who had it finished by Calcagni. Michelangelo worked on this piece for eight years.

As we had mentioned earlier, David was left incomplete by Michelangelo (it was later finished by some terrible curator whose name we forget). Michelangelo purchased the marble for David from another sculptor who had started work on a piece, but then decided he didn’t want to finish it. Michelangelo left a spot on the top of David’s head unfinished to honor that sculptor, until, as we mentioned, a curator noticed the rough patch and decided to finish it for Michelangelo.

Moses the sculpture is complete, but it’s part of a much larger mausoleum that was meant to sit in the center of St. Peter’s. Therefore, the artistic community considers it an unfinished work. It is currently housed at San Pietro in Vincoli where it is placed at the entirely wrong perspective. Both David and Moses are meant to be placed on high so that their grandeur can be felt. When placed on the ground, they look disproportionate and long.

VIOLENCE! (Good idea: Making love. Bad idea: Making War)

  • 1846: Sic Semper Tyrannis! Peasants killed a lot of people in Poland while protesting serfdom. Serfdom was abolished two years later. See, Poland? Egypt does it peacefully and gets what they want in three weeks. Violence is not the answer! Make love, not war! Look at Joseph*****! In your fields! Calling for peace! Make love with him, not war!

  • 1878: SHOOT EM UP! ZING! BANG! POW! John Tunstall was murdered by Jessie Evans sparking the Lincoln County Wars in New Mexico. Jessie Evans disappeared two years later.
  • 1983: Once again, we have a wackily named massacre. Today! The Wah Mee Who Me? Massacre in Seattle. Thirteen people died and one guy got seriously injured (but was able to testify in the high-profile trial) by three guys wanting to rob an illegal casino in Chinatown. SHOOT EM UP! BANG! POW! CLINK! CLANK! DUN DUN! PRISON!
  • 1991: The IRA bombed Paddington Station and Victoria Station in London. Our favorite glass was not pleased.

OTHER NEAT THINGS THAT HAPPENED! (Good idea: Fighting Nazis. Bad Idea: Praising Xenu)

  • 1861: Italy unifies and some guy named Victor declares himself King! No documents remain regarding his position on bunga bunga.
  • 1943: The Gestapo begins arrests on members of the White Rose Movement, a group of non-violent/intellectual students who opposed The Third Reich. They were executed some time later and are now regarded as heroes of the Nazi Resistance.
  • 1954: The first Church of Scientology opens in LA, begins their quest in recruiting fabulous celebrities in order to further their cause of letting the world know about Xenu and aliens and volcanoes and whatever it is that those crazies believe in.
  • 1972: California repeals the death penalty!
  • 1972: California reinstates the death penalty months later when putting it to the voters! California, repealing bad things and putting them back in place so as to maintain the status quo since (at least) 1972.

It’s been a fun week, cats, kittens and honey badgers! We’ll see you on Monday, and remember: YOKO! YOKO! YOKO! YOKO! Four for you Glen Yoko! You go Glen Yoko!

*We once had a dream where we were on a bridge with the cast of Step By Step and then we met a witch and the witch turned everyone in the cast to wax one by one. It was really scary. We were, like, seven and had accidentally slept on the Jafar side of our pillowcase instead of the Aladdin side which was totally the good dream side. CURSE YOU JAFAR!

**We do not have Asperger’s and as SixThirty noted, that was actually Tourette’s. This is why we don’t study psychology.

***WE LOVE YOU YOKO

****We were at that taping of Ann Liv Young’s Mermaid show and it was wild. That was the fifth time that they had to start over for the scene due to technical hiccups with the sound and the sheer animalistic tension and anger emanating from Ann Liv (performing as Sherry) was just exquisite. We were stunned, but we may just have a disaster fetish. She yelled at Claudia Larocco of the NYTimes for whispering to a friend during a break. It was phenomenal. A week later, she hit our friend in the head at the Party That Dare Not Speak Its Name with a ceramic necklace that was meant for Penny Arcade.

*****LaZiguezon: Hop on the JGL Bandwagon

Authors Note: I’m going to separate myself from the editorial ‘we’ here. I’d just like to thank everyone who’s read this feature in its inaugural week, especially those of you who have been so effusive in your praise for it. I wasn’t really over at Crosstalk because I never felt witty enough to be there (I was starred, but only because of a contest) and so it’s really great to be here with all these funny people, being able to write something that people seem to like. You’re all super and I’m really glad I was introduced to this amazing community. See you Monday. I refuse to put this much effort in seven days a week. xox

FLASHBACK FRIDAY!!!

219 comments

It’s Friday morning, so you know what to do.  Take us way back (or as far back as you can go).  What song did you play in the when you were getting ready for school in junior high?  What song did your older sibling make you listen to that you hated then and love now? That song that made you run to the radio so you could record it on your cassette tape, what was it?  Ready? Go!

Friday Morning Open Thread

311 comments

Good morning lovlies. Hope that you had the sweetest of dreams and are ready to face the day. I am traveling this weekend, so I will give you three stories from the magazines I only have time to read when I am sitting on an airplane.

The Atlantic takes a look at video games inspired by great literature. Apparently, the Great Gatsby is pretty good, but Dante’s Inferno was kind of disappointing.

Scott Horton at Harper’s investigates the case of a US consular officer being held for shooting 2 men in Pakistan. Raymond Davis was traveling on a diplomatic passport in the country, but his Special Forces background suggests he was doing intelligence work.

Damn I love The Economist. Here is their fantastic analysis about the past few weeks of protests and change in the Middle East and North Africa. The article is excellent and the other people on the plane will think you are smart because you have a copy of The Economist.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Late Night Open Post: Bark at the Moon

492 comments

Protests in Wisconsin in opposition by public service employees continue tonight as 3800 state workers were joined by students from the University of Wisconsin. The demonstrations have spread to Ohio and union leaders are calling for a national fight.

The Army has moved in and taken control of  Manama, the capital of Bahrain. Four people were killed  yesterday in clashes with riot police.

Conspiracy nut Alex Jones just released a new video. He is ready to save you from the impending police state. Best line: “In my 16 years of doing deep research…”

Buy gold and start hoarding your ammo.

Liveblogging the Human Rebellion Against Our Jeopardy Robot Overlords

71 comments

Liveblogging tonight’s episode of the Jeopardy? Bad idea or WORST idea?

We shall see! Stay tuned and joined in on the fun as we show these computers that we’re more than just walking penises and vaginas. We’re also well-oiled intellectual non-machines.

Well, shit. I just looked at my cable guide and it says they’re airing the Teen Jeopardy championship or something tonight. DANG IT!

Machines 1
Stupid Humans 0

Image courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/charliecurve/

The Soundtrack Of Your Life

198 comments

By DahlELama and The_Obvious

Hey, remember mix tapes? (If you said “no,” get out.) Remember how great it was to spend hours upon hours sitting by the stereo and waiting for the right moment to hit “record” so you could pick the perfect songs for the perfect occasions? When the right combination of Savage Garden and KC and JoJo was going to make Amanda see right past your braces and eczema and fall madly in love with you?

Since then, we’ve gradually evolved into the mix CD, followed by the hilariously short-lived minidisc era, and finally landed on the MP3 playlist, a process so quick and easy that it takes all of five seconds to create “Songs to Drop Amanda’s Pants.” But no matter how much technology improves over time, there’s only so much it can do to provide the perfect music for those not-so-perfect occasions.

Sure, it’s easy to figure out what to play for the big things, like sex (NIN’s “Closer”), break-ups (“I Will Survive”—whether Gaynor or Cake is obviously a personal decision), and long car rides (“500 Miles” by the Proclaimers, played on heavy repeat). But what about those non-milestone moments? What to play during those most awkward of awkward silences?

To that end, we present: The Soundtrack of Your Life, a playlist designed to help you get through those times when a simple mash-up of Tom Jones and Metallica just won’t suffice.

When You Need to Tell Your Coworker That You Accidentally Grabbed His Wife’s Boob at the Company Holiday Party:

When You’re About to Accidentally-On Purpose Walk in on Your Roommate Having Sex:

When the Cops are Closing in and You Know it’s Finally Time to Let Your Prisoner Out of the Basement:

When Your Homophobic Coworker Ambles Over to Discuss Prop 8. Again.: (Video NSFW)

When You Have to Inform Your Partner That You’re Giving Him or Her a Venereal Disease:


When You’re Shopping at Babeland:


When You Need to Tell Your Girlfriend You’re Actually Gay:


When You Need to Tell Your Boyfriend You’re Actually Gay:

Remember: just because Hallmark doesn’t make a card for it doesn’t mean you won’t get through it.

DahlELama and The_Obvious are BFFs who spend a lot of time yelling at the TV, thinking that they’re hilarious, and marveling over the fact that they both eat Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches for lunch every day. This is their first collaboration.  They promise the next one will be funnier.