Crasstalk Classic: How to Survive a Hangover

Good morning/afternoon. Last night we revisited the most awesome post in Crasstalk history. I suspect many of you played along with the home version of The Crasstalk Drinking Game (patent pending,) so we are giving you the next logical step in Classic Crasstalk. This is the key to your overindulgent salvation. Follow it step by step and you will win at alcohol abuse. Enjoy.

 

Well, it is that time of year again. Even those of us who don’t regularly indulge usually toss a couple back, and for those of us who do it can often end like this:

No matter how good our intentions, New Year’s Eve is an invitation to taunt the liquor gods, and that means paying the price the next day. In the spirit of kindness, I am posting my time honored method of easing the hangover pain so that the first day of your new year won’t be utterly painful.

I know that there are many so called “natural” and vitamin remedies that are supposed to help a hangover, but they are all bullshit. Hippies don’t know shit about drinking, put down the crystal and let a professional help you.

For this method you will need the following:

36 oz. of water

2 anti-inflammatory tablets of your choice (I like Alleve).

2 pieces of bread

2 grams of decent weed

One comfy pillow and blanket

A cable TV hookup or a Netflix account

Phone number to a good pizza place or really good leftovers that are easy to reheat

2 cans of Coca-Cola (absolutely no substitutions on this)

The Night Before

It goes without saying that you can avoid this by not drinking excessively in the first place, but that is for little  girls and  it is a long time until the MLK weekend, so fuck it. I can also tell you to stick to one type of liquor, but you inevitably will mix bourbon with champagne and will end up doing a shot of absinthe that someone brought back from a holiday in Europe. Again, fuck it. You should drink some water before you go to bed, but if given the chance to get some nasty from whomever you wind up with, skip the water and go for the sweet loving. Rest easy knowing that you will survive the consequences of your foolish behavior. Again …

The Day of Battle

Step #1: Try not to sleep more than a couple hours later than your usually waking time because that makes your body confused and you’ve already pissed it off enough. If you are sleep deprived you can nap later.

Step #2: Shower, or at least wash your face. You smell awful.

Step #3: Drink one of the Cokes. It should be ice cold. Drink it slow.

Step #4: After 15 minutes, toast the bread and eat it (use butter if your stomach isn’t too upset). Drink 12 oz. of water with it.

Step #5: Wait about 20 minutes. Smoke some weed. If you smoke cigarettes you should have one at this point. I know, I know, you are going to quit, but today is not the day. Leave that shit for next week.

Step #6: Now is the time to take a tylenol or whatever. Your stomach will appreciate that you waited.

Step #7: Watch a couple of hours of TV while snuggled in your blankey on the couch. I recommend Law and Order, Futurama, the Twilight Zone, or Star Trek. All of these will probably be on marathons tomorrow or you can get them on Netflix. Avoid porn, horror movies (this is not the time to finally see Hostel), anything really sad (alcohol is a depressant). If you must watch sports you are going to have to choke down a couple of cans of mid-priced domestic beer to make watching your favorite team blow another great season palatable.

Step #8: Take a nice nap. Try to keep it under an hour so you won’t fuck up your sleep schedule and turn into a vampire.

Step #9: Take the second anti-inflammatory with 12 more oz. of water. Return to the couch for more movies (maybe there is something good on Lifetime).

Step #10: Drink the last Coke and smoke some more weed. At this point you should be ok to eat some real food. Try cheese pizza, chicken soup, or pasta with a red sauce. Avoid carbonara, salad, Indian food, anything too spicy. Don’t make your stomach even angrier.

Step #11: Return to the couch and slowly drink 12 more oz. of water. See what Benson and Stabler are up to. Check in on CT and make fun of everyone else for a having a hangover.

Step #12: By this point you should be able to go on with your day, but if you can stay on the couch do it. Avoid phone calls from family, annoying internet arguments, or anything else unpleasant. This is the first day of the New Year, you have 364 more days to be irritated.

Step #13: Profit! You win at drinking. Now don’t do that again!!!

Have a wonderful New Year!

Why Are Immortals Always So Miserable?

Immortality, which seems like it might be something of a blessing, is often portrayed in books and movies as an abject curse.

 

 

 

 

From Tuck Everlasting‘s accidentally immortal family, unhappily traipsing through time…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

to Wild Seed‘s crazily intense power-play between two African immortals: Doro, a shape-shifting, seemingly evil male and Anyanwu, the quietly wise woman who tragically loves him through the eons…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

to Oscar Wilde’s brilliant cautionary classic of unchecked immortal hubris that leads to self-destruction…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

to the spellbinding tale of a gorgeous immortal couple implausibly tainted by decidedly mortal problems…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

to the story of sword-wielding immortals who must duel each other to the death, because only one of them can be immortal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The exception to the “miserable immortals” rule is this book.

 

 

 


 

 

It is a joyous, sexy romp through the ages with deposed King Alobar and his lady love, Kudra, master of dance and perfumes.  Together (along with the goat-god Pan) they travel the world in search of the guardian of a flask containing a mysterious beet-extract elixir which holds the secret to their continued everlasting life.

Tom Robbins has crafted the only story of immortality that I’ve ever encountered that has a delightful end (and the beginning and middle are equally wonderful). These immortals laugh, play, and make highly erotic, gymnastic, deeply passionate love.

To  me, that sounds like a much better way to spend eternity.

 

Here are a couple ditties about immortality:

“Immortality” by Pearl Jam

 

“Eternal Life” by Jeff Buckley

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cU97rdGYbBI&feature=related

Following are links for those interested in the books and movies mentioned above:

Tuck Everlasting

Wild Seed

The Picture of Dorian Gray (book review)

The Fountain

The Highlander

Jitterbug Perfume

The Spirit of Animals

“May all beings everywhere plagued with sufferings of body and mind quickly be freed from their pain. May those frightened cease to be afraid, and may those bound be free. May the powerless find power, and may people befriend all life. May those of all species who find themselves lost, the young, the aged, the unprotected, be guarded by beneficent celestials, and may they swiftly attain Buddhahood.”

—Buddhist Prayer for Peace

 

I received an email from a dear friend this week informing me that six weeks ago, she had to have her precious 9-year-old Silky terrier – a joyful little girl named named Mattie – euthanized, due to multiple health problems. Although it had been years since I’d seen Mattie, I wept for half an hour straight. They were tears that hadn’t come that forcefully since I had to have my rescued Schnauzer Lucky euthanized at the age of 2, also due to multiple, unresolvable health problems, last August.

 

When I finally thought I had composed myself enough to call my friend Bobbie, I found that I was reduced to tears again at the sound of her voice. Then she cried, as she recounted the excruciatingly difficult journey of losing her beloved and devoted pet child. Through the tears and commiserating, I came to an insight that has stayed with me: the only reason I can think of that precious animals should have such short lifetimes is so that we may be able to love more of them: to provide uniquely loving homes for the animals who are meant to be our companions. In my case, I have a passion for supporting animal rescue, since so many are unwanted, but no matter where an animal comes from, the important thing is that he or she is adored and cared for throughout whatever time it has on this earth.

 

So I invite each of you who are present or past pet-parents to join with me in a timeless prayer for the spirit of animals, in memory of all beloved animals who are no longer physically present with us. Rest in peace, precious Mattie (12/20/01-1/10/11).

 

“Hear our humble prayer, o God, for our friends the animals who are suffering; for any that are hunted or lost or deserted or frightened or hungry…. We entreat for them all Thy mercy and pity, and for those who deal with them we ask a heart of compassion and gentle hands and kindly words. Make us, ourselves, to be true friends to animals and so to share the blessings of the merciful.”

– Albert Schweitzer


(pic of Mattie courtesy my friend Bobbie’s Facebook page)

Westboro Wins: A Look At The Supreme Court’s Decision

As previously reported, the Supreme Court decided Wednesday in favor of dismissing the monetary judgement against the Westboro Baptist Church. This piece is light on commentary and heavy on explanation, though, so it could be considered a complete failure. My hopes in writing this is to give some more specifics about the Court’s reasoning so as to encourage a good conversation about the decision.

What Happened?

In an 8-1 decision, the Supreme Court found that the hate speech near military funerals that lifted the Westboro Baptist Church into infamy is protected by the First Amendment. “As a nation we have chosen a different course – to protect even hurtful speech on public issues to ensure that we do not stifle public debate,” Roberts wrote in his opinion for the Court. He was joined by Breyer, Kagan, Sotomayor, Thomas, Scalia, Kennedy, and Ginsburg, with Breyer writing a concurring opinion. Alito was the only dissenter.

For those not familiar with the case: U.S. Marine Lance Corporal Matthew Snyder was killed in an accident in Iraq, and the Westboro Baptist Church picketed Matthew’s funeral with signs including the following: “America is doomed,” “You’re going to hell,” “God hates you,” “Fag troops,” “Semper fi fags” and “Thank God for dead soldiers.” Later, WBC posted on their website that Matthew’s death was because of how he was raised by his parents (as a Catholic), and that they taught him to defy God and raised him to be “for the devil.”  Matthew’s father sued Fred Phelps, the leader of WBC, two of Phelps’s daughters, and the church itself (collectively). In a jury trial, WBC was held liable for intrusion upon seclusion, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and civil conspiracy. Mr. Snyder was awarded $5 million.

The Phelps crew appealed, and the lower court verdict was overturned by the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals. Mr. Snyder appealed to the Supreme Court, where the case came down to these issues: whether previous SCOTUS First Amendment decisions prohibiting the awarding of damages to public figures for the intentional infliction of emotional distress applies to this case (an issue that focuses on private parties/matters v. public parties/matters), and whether an individual attending a family member’s funeral constitutes a “captive audience” who is entitled to state protection from unwanted communication. The Court decided WBC’s favor on both questions.

Matters of Public Concern and Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress

The Court was mostly concerned with the issue of “matters of public concern,” which the Court hasn’t really narrowly defined; however, the general rule is that speech is of public concern when it is of general interest, value and concern to the public, or when it’s “fairly considered” to be related to things concerning the community (including political and social matters). The fact that the speech is controversial or hurtful has no bearing on whether it is about matters of public concern. Looking at the content, context, and form of the speech, the Court determined that the speech was public, not private, in nature.

I thought this was a particularly interesting area of discussion, because the argument against this being of public concern was that some of the signs were specifically about Mr. Snyder’s son. However, Roberts wrote that just because some of the placards were related to a particular individual, the general and dominant theme of the demonstrations were about matters of concern; the placards addressed issues of public concern,  and Westboro was expressing its views on these matters. None of the placards were about Matthew, specifically, even though the context of picketing near his funeral made the placards appear to be more targeted at him at the time.

There was also a reasonable time, place and manner issue at play here, because the Court recognized that even protected speech is not granted the same degree of permissibility at all places and times. Unfortunately for Snyder, there was no law in effect that prohibited funeral picketing (and any law of that nature has to be content-neutral). The WBC protesters contacted the police prior to the demonstration, complied with police guidelines regarding where they could picket, and they were not unruly while demonstrating. The demonstration was held 1,000 feet from the church, under police supervision.

Now, one might argue that even using protected speech can be used to cause the intentional infliction of emotional distress (IIED), but the Court said that a jury cannot decided that the “outrageousness” of the picketing (‘outrageous’ being necessary for the state’s IIED law) overrides the special protections granted to speech on matters of public concern. If the picketing had disrupted the funeral, the outcome could have been different, but it was clear that the message, and not the protest itself, was the cause of the emotional distress. Furthermore, finding the WBC’s actions to be “outrageous” here is problematic. It’s clearly a subjective issue that the jury decides based on their own views, so when applying this standard to speech, there is a danger of using IIED to suppress expression that people might find abhorrent and disturbing. It comes down to a greater good principle: “in public debate [we] must tolerate insulting, and even outrageous, speech in order to provide adequate ‘breathing space’ to the freedoms protected by the First Amendment.” Thus, the Court dismissed the verdict for Mr. Snyder on IIED.

Intrusion Upon Seclusion, Civil Conspiracy, and Captive Audience

While the Fourth Circuit didn’t weigh the other two charges independently of IIED, the Supreme Court took the opportunity to do so. Mr. Snyder argues that even if the Phelpses were protected by the First Amendment, they were not protected from liability for intrusion upon seclusion because Mr. Snyder was a captive audience at Matthew’s funeral. The idea behind the captive audience doctrine is that, generally, the Constitution does not permit the government to decide what kinds of speech require protection for the unwilling listener or viewer–people who don’t want to see or hear things they find offensive have the burden of avoiding those things. The government can get involved if there is enough evidence that “substantial privacy interests are being invaded and in an essentially intolerable manner.” Examples of when SCOTUS has applied this doctrine include a case about a statute allowing a homeowner to restrict offensive mail from being delivered to his home, and a case involving an ordinance that prohibited picketing in front of or ‘about’ a person’s residence.

Here, the Court said found that WBC was “well away” from the funeral service. Mr. Snyder said that he could see just the tops of the placards when he was en route to the funeral, and there was no other indication that the picketing disrupted the actual service. Therefore, the captive audience doctrine does not apply, and the Court set aside the verdict on intrusion upon seclusion. Since the First Amendment protected WBC from not only IIED and intrusion upon seclusion in this matter, there is no basis for the claim of civil conspiracy, as the conspiracy relied upon the allegedly unlawful nature of WBC’s activity.

What This Means

Roberts stressed that this holding is narrow. First Amendment cases are very fact-dependent and complex, so the Court tries to tread delicately when reviewing them. Roberts agrees that WBC’s picketing is hurtful, and that it does not substantially contribute to the public discourse, but since WBC addressed matters of public import, did so on public property, carried out their protests in a peaceful manner that fully complies with the guidance of officials, and didn’t actually disrupt the funeral service, WBC’s speech in this matter is protected by the First Amendment.

The narrowness of this decision is extremely important here. I believe it is the totality of the situation that led to this outcome, which means that the decision could prove to be difficult to applied outward. Justice Breyer, in his written concurrence, pointed out that upholding the application of these tort laws in this circumstances would punish WBC for communicating its viewpoints on matters of public concern “without proportionately advancing the State’s interest in protecting its citizens against severe emotional harm.”

Problems With The Decision?

Justice Alito basically thinks the majority is nuts. He feels that WBC mixed protected speech with unprotected speech (specifically focusing on what was posted on WBC’s website that was specific to Matthew and his parents) and that the decision should have dealt with the two pieces separately, as often occurs in cases involved defamatory statements mixed with nondefamatory statements. Alito feels that WBC’s motivations–“to increase publicity for its views”–did not bring their attacks upon a public figure into contributory statements to a debate on matters of public concern.

Alito also feels that the public location argument is lacking, although I have to disagree with his reasoning on this one. “A physical assault may occur without trespassing; it is no defense that the perpetrator had “the right to be where [he was],” Alito wrote, and I think this analogy is unsuitable. The argument regarding the public location is not a standalone argument–it was combined with proximity. His analogy is inept because a physical assault requires a certain degree of proximity, whether it be to the assailant’s body or to the weapon used. It was established that Mr. Snyder was not able to see or hear anything that WBC was expressing at their location at the time of the service, so Mr. Snyder was not ‘assaulted’ by their speech; likewise, using Alito’s analogy, if person A were to angrily throw a baseball bat in person B’s general direction, and person B was significantly outside the range of impact, person A cannot be charged with the assault. Attempted assault, perhaps, but I do not believe attempted infliction of emotional distress actually exists (I could be wrong, though). The argument Alito appears to be making is that impact is impact, and verbal assaults on the conduct or character of Matthew should be treated like a physical assault when it comes to this matter. However, this circles back to the problem of finding sufficient evidence that the placards at the scene were specifically about Snyder. Since WBC uses those signs for pretty much every protest they stage, it’s a tough sell.

Alito stresses the importance of recognizing the special nature of funerals. He feels that IIED should cover this situation largely because of the significant impact and harm these actions caused, and could cause in the future, to the friends and family of the deceased. “Allowing family members to have a few hours of peace without harassment does not undermine public debate,” Alito wrote. “I would therefore hold that, in this setting,the First Amendment permits a private figure to recover for the intentional infliction of emotional distress caused by speech on a matter of private concern.”

The rest of his dissent addresses issues that were covered by the Fourth Circuit but not discussed by the majority’s decision. His discussion on those issues, along with the rest of the decision, can be found here.

What I Think

Personally, I’m torn. I am mostly in agreement with the majority, though I think perhaps it would be wise for states to make it much more difficult for people to picket near funerals. My biggest issue concerns the website entry, which, if not considered defamation, could and should be covered by IIED, I think. Alito discusses this in the part of his dissent I didn’t detail, but essentially the Fourth Circuit relied upon a couple of prior SCOTUS decisions, and I think perhaps they were not used appropriately. Specifically, the famous Hustler Magazine v. Falwell case, which involved claims of IIED and defamation. A number of differences were at play in the Hustler case, including Falwell being a public figure and the nature of the publication (a caricature, in this situation). The Court found that IIED could not be used to protect a public figure from hurtful speech, basically, because this would have a severe impact on satirists and the like, who often use embarrassing situations, certain “unfortunate physical traits,” etc. to discuss or criticize public figures. The Court felt that the falseness of the hurtful speech could not be separated from the IIED claim for public speakers because of these reason.

The Hustler decision, however, did not extend to private figures, and that’s the rub. Should it matter whether or not the statements made by WBC regarding Matthew and his parents can be proven to be false? The statements made cannot be proven either way because they are surrounded by the shroud of mystery that accompanies religion. Am I allowed to put up posters saying “God knows Person X is a rapist”? And why should the falseness of the statements matter, in terms of IIED? If I were to expose personal secrets of Person X in a highly public manner with the intention to inflict emotional distress, should Person X not be protected by that tort law? Justice Breyer, in his concurrence, does not believe that to be the case–that is, he thinks this decision does not preclude Person X from being protected. Then why is ‘demonstrably false’ an issue, and why should hyperbole matter when dealing with private figures? Honestly, I don’t know that the Court sufficiently dealt with this issue.

Wrapping Things Up

Westboro Baptist Church survives to see another day of hateful picketing and disgusting rhetoric. They probably see this as God’s way of letting them know they working on his behalf. I do have to say, though, that Fred Phelps is no fool: the single most powerful thing these guys have going for them is that they know the law, and they utilize this knowledge accordingly. They comply with all local laws regarding picketing and assembly. They notify local law enforcement. They are peaceful and nonviolent. They walk right up to the line and they set-up camp. I don’t remember how many lawyers are in the family, but here’s an idea of how well they know the law: one of their own, Margie Phelps, her family’s case in front of the Supreme Court.

Perhaps the lesson we could all learn from this is to start ignoring these people. They thrive off the attention they get. It validates them. It gives them the drive to do more. Counter-protests may work, depending on how they are done (nonsensical protests that drown them out/distract from them or protests that raise money to support the causes that WBC hates are a couple of examples that might have been effective, if I recall correctly), but the more people get angry at them for being so awful, the more they seem to appear. I knew about WBC a number of years ago, and there were never this prevalent (at least, I don’t remember them being anywhere near as well-known). I feel like not only has their coverage been increased, but also their appearances. Perhaps that’s just a perception issue, and I’m totally wrong, but since they are typically protected by the law, I think that it might be time to just try to snuff them out with silence–our silence.

I want to end this by saying that this was my takeaway from what I read of the decision. If there are any mistakes, please let me know and I will fix them. And if I’m totally off on my legal analysis in any way, please do let me know and I’ll try to either correct or clarify.

UPDATE: After this incident with Matthew’s funeral, Maryland passed a law requiring picketers to stay at least 100 feet away from a funeral or funeral precession. This law is content-neutral. However, in light of the Supreme Court’s decision on Wednesday, WBC plans to challenge this (and other) anti-picketing laws. I think the Phelps family might have a harder time with this case, and it’s probably more of a publicity stunt than anything else. Still, if they’d like to waste their money on it, that’s their prerogative.

Ghost Stories Open Thread

Good evening my friends. Hope you’ve had a great day. Since we’ve all started spending time here I have occasionally been sharing tales of the scary, weird, and paranormal. Since this seems to be a lot of fun I am going to make this a weekly tradition. So wrap up in a nice blanket and let’s trade whispers in the dark about the mysterious things we often leave unsaid in the light of day.

 

Is this you right now?

Let’s all stay together and everyone turn on their flashlight. We will be back to the camp site soon. Have a great night.

Cats, Cheese Biscuits, Kittens and Bunnies

Cats, Cheese Biscuits, Kittens and Bunnies: Which do Crasstalk commenters love more?


 

 

Cats are mysterious and independent. Did you know that in Indonesia, cats are thought to control the rain?

 

 

 

 

 

Cheese biscuits are yummy and delicious. They’re almost as yummy as frozen pumpkin pie bought in bulk and on sale.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s really nothing cuter than a kitten. Just look at that cute little face and those innocent eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bunnies are also cute, cuddly and adorable… except for the fact that they breed like rabbits, of course.  And that one killer bunny from Monty Python.

 

 

 

 

 

So, Crasstalkers, please tell us in the comments: which do you prefer; cats, cheese biscuits, kittens, bunnies or evil hags.

Happy Hour Open Post

Well hello there! Please excuse the earlier unpleasantness, life on the internet is often brutish, nasty, and short. Let’s put it all behind us, shall we? Grab your 4 Loko and let’s get the party started.

Important Message: We are moving servers again this weekend, probably Sunday night. We’ll do our best to keep the downtime to a minimum, but depending on your ISP you might have some issues. I’m letting you guys know now so you can check Twitter and Facebook for our status.

Another important message. This Sunday we will be having another writers work shop to brainstorm ideas and help each other develop stories. It will be a great chance to get feedback or come up with post ideas. The post will go up in the late afternoon or early evening depending on when The Grand Inquisitor decides to get out of bed.

Reassurance Thread

Ok gang. Everything is going to be all right. 99.99% of you will never do anything that even comes close to warranting execution. You know our affection for you is genuine, so relax. Here are some nice pictures to make the bad thoughts go away.

We have grown a lot over the last few weeks and it has been a crazy ride, but everything is going to be just fine.

Our first public Crasstalker execution

Buongiorno. I am Mastro Titta, official executioner of both the Papal States and Crasstalk.com. I learned my craft from the world’s original commenter executioner, Jack Ketch (may he rest in peace). I am now charged with seeing that holy justice is given to the eternally damned.

I will administer swift justice to commenters and authors alike. There are various classes of sundry criminals who could meet their fate at the end of my guillotine’s blade. Trolls, the un-funny, the pointlessly belligerent and those who can’t follow the rules, you may find yourself meeting at the merciful hands of Mastro Titta.

Today our penitent who must be publicly executed is OMG! Ponies! He is guilty of numerous sins against the church and the Papal States and shall have his ability to post articles lopped off.

 

  • He wrote an entire post about establishing rules for Crasstalk, rather than, you know, emailing one of the site’s admins.
  • He hath flouted the church’s authority by stating in the comments that he had “no intention of putting any REAL amount of effort into my posts.”
  • He continued to disregard church doctrine by self-publishing before an editor could approve his post.
  • His article sucked. And seemed to be posted in response to perhaps the most beloved Crasstalker on the planet.