Why I watch Cougar Town

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Strike that. I don’t just watch Cougar Town. I love Cougar Town.

I stumbled upon this show late last season when, during three days of being sick, I exhausted all my backlog on Hulu. And, fuck, what was I going to do? Watch Psych or any of those other “quirky” shows from USA? Go over to CBS’s wasteland?

I figured, eh, I’ll watch Cougar Town and be offended and it will entertain me for a while.

Sadly for my love of righteous outrage, it was actually funny. And not about “cougars.” (Even though I think the early part of Season 1 tried to make that happen. It failed. Because that concept sucks.)

You should take the show for a test run. It’s fluffy and entertaining and contains my favorite character on TV right now (sorry, it’s not Aubrey Plaza). It’s Busy Phillips as “Laurie.”

I have a soft spot for crass women with big, loud personalities. And an especially soft spot for people who don’t take themselves seriously and are kind of vulnerable to boot.

Laurie fits that bill perfectly. I loved her when she tormented her ex-boyfriend’s father – “I just can’t remember if I left my hairdryer here. Must be my pregnancy brain.” Or when she talked with Cox’s character “Jules:”

Laurie: But drama is such a turnon! It makes my lady parts beep.
Jules: Would you rather be with someone emotionally stable or someone who, at game night, carves “die bitch” on the kitchen table because you think he sucks at Jenga?
Laurie: There are positives and negatives to both.
Jules: There really aren’t.
Laurie: I know. And, honey, I am sorry about your table.
Jules: That’s OK. I added a T so now it says “diet bitch.” So actually it’s really helpful!

She is a badass and I like her.

(I have the video embedded, but it isn’t working, so here is a link to what I tried to post.)

Know your motorcycle slang

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Have an eccentric uncle who fixes up old two-stroke Yamahas? Does your husband/boyfriend frequently escape the house on Saturday afternoons to go tearing off on his BMW?

If so, here’s a quick glossary of slang so that you can sound more like a real rider and less like a typical dumbass cager.

ape-hangers – huge handlebars that require you to hold your hands up extremely high. ONLY ever acceptable on a custom chopper, but even then they’re awful because it makes the bike virtually impossible to handle with any precision.

beemer – a BWM motorcycle. Not to be confused with “Bimmer” car. The motorcycle of choice for geeky types. The tech guy at your office probably has one.

busa – The Suzuki Hayabusa. This is basically the fastest production bike on the market for the past 8 years or so. Extremely popular with guys who like putting fluorescent blue lights and huge shiny wheels on their rides.

butt jewelry – What sportbikers call Harleys and choppers due to all the pointless chrome-and-tassle shit they bolt onto their bikes.

cafe racer – A 1960s British term for kids who would strip down their bikes and hot rod them so that they could race from cafe to cafe. Think Rockers in the whole rockers vs. mods battles. These are basically the coolest motorcycles on the planet. Everyone will love you if you show up to bike night on an old cafe racer.

cage – A car.

cager – A car driver. As in, “that goddamn brainless idiot cager should have his exhaust pipe shoved up his ass.”

chicken strips – the narrow strips of fresh rubber at the edges of the tires. The less you have the bike leaned over, the wider the chicken strips.

get-off – A euphemism for a crash. No motorcyclist has EVER just crashed. It’s always a get-off, or he had to “lay ‘er down” or something.

gixxer (pronounced “jixxer”) – The Suzuki GSXR line of sportbikes. They are inexpensive and ridiculously fast, so they’re extremely popular with 19-year-old kids who ride like maniacs (see “squids”).

Hardley-Ableson – Derisive nickname for a Harley-Davidson. The key to understanding the two-wheeled world is that H-D guys ONLY love H-Ds and people who ride other brands universally DETEST the slow, heavy, ill-handling Harleys.

lump – The motorcycle’s engine.

naked – A style of bike that has no plastic bodywork (called fairings).

performance award – A speeding ticket.

pillion – This one can mean either a passenger riding on the back of the bike or the back seat itself.

pirate – Ever notice how Harley people dress in silly black leather outfits with skulls all over them? Exactly. ARRRRGH, MATEY.

pudding bowl – The stupid little barely-legal bowl-shaped helmets that pirates wear in helmet-law states. They offer absolutely no protection, so if anyone ever offers you a ride and hands you one of these, politely decline and insist on a full-face helmet, which protects the face, jaw and back of the head.

Rossi wannabe – Valentino Rossi is the 8-time world champion of grand prix motorcycle racing, so he’s basically the sport’s Michael Jordan and one of Europe’s most famous athletes (seriously). If you see someone tucked way over trying to get his knee down on the street like he’s in a race, you can call him this.

scooter – NOT a scooter. A scooter is a motorcycle. Ok, scooters are also called scooters but you can refer to your motorcycle as a scooter. Some bikers call themselves “scooter trash,” which kind of makes you sound like you’ve watched too much “Easy Rider.”

smoker – A two-stroke motorcycle. The EPA effectively banned two-stroke bikes, but they were huge in the 70s and 80s and are known for producing huge clouds of blue smoke and a noise that can best be described as a billion angry bees.

the slab – Any super-highway. To be avoided if at all possible because highways are incredibly boring on a bike.

sled – A motorcycle. See “scooter.”

splitting – Also called lane-splitting, filtering or white-lining. This is riding in between two lanes during traffic jams. It’s legal in California and every other country in the world besides the U.S. It’s actually safer than sitting in a lane during stop-and-go traffic because it lowers the risk of a rear-end crash. Plus it uses the roads more efficiently. If you ever see motorcyclists riding up toward you in between the lanes, give him/her a few inches. You’ll get to your destination just as fast.

squid – A squid is a dangerous, young sportbike rider. Think wife beaters and flip-flops and Gixxers. There are about a billion different theories for where the term squids came from. I like to think it’s an acronym for “Stupid Quick Until I’m Dead,” but it also may have come from the nickname for all the Navy sailors riding around San Diego. If you’re riding with a buddy who’s taking risks and riding fast, you can even call him “squidly.”

the twisties – Twisty roads.

List-Mania XXM Pt. 2: The Reckoning

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So last night I talked about my five favorite TV dramas of the year. Looking back on it, I kind of wished I didn’t include The Walking Dead because it was good for 2 episodes then sucked. So, with that in mind I’m going to throw it out and go with six comedies.

Ultimate Caveat Part 2: I did not watch Parks & Recreation, sorry Swifter.

6. Archer: For anyone who’s familiar with Adult Swim, Archer isn’t anything groundbreaking, nor is satire of James Bond something new to the comedy scene. But the banter between the voice actors and retro 60s feel gives Archer a unique twist. Creator Adam Reed has given the show a similar style of humor and animation comparable to his other works Frisky Dingo and Sealab 2021. The voice talent is impressive, headed by H. Jon Benjamin and other heavy hitters like Jessica Walter, who essentially reprises her role as Lucille Bluth. The show has a very hyper-aggressive wit to it, with the titular character attempting to get the last line on everything despite being a clueless idiot. Throwaway lines like “That girl was like the Pele of anal” and “This place smells like Indira Gandhi’s thong” are what set this show apart from other animated fare and the fact that it’s on FX allows it to be as raunchy and offensive as needed.

5. 30 Rock: No, it can’t hold the claim as the smartest or
funniest show on television, but there aren’t many shows that try to cram as many jokes into 22 minutes of action like 30 Rock. Alec Baldwin has spent the last 4 years reminding anyone who may have missed his 40 appearances on Saturday Night Live that he has better comedic timing than you. Tina Fey at times seems to revel in making Liz Lemon the butt of jokes as a frumpy, socially awkward being when in reality most people would sacrifice a goat to sleep with her. But the show still works thanks to the great relationship between Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy. The supporting actors can be hit or miss but the show has succeeded in confusing everyone as to whether Tracy Morgan is actually crazy or just acting.
4. The League:
When I first heard the premise of this show I made considerable wanking motions at the screen.

A show about 6 dudes in a fantasy football league that spend the majority of time insulting each other and talking about sex? Color me unimpressed. But after actually watching the short first season last year I was hooked. The show returned with a much better feel for its characters (hint: They are all assholes) and the actors appeared to be much more comfortable riffing off one another. The style of the show is similar to Curb Your Enthusiasm with a story outline instead of a script and relies heavily on improvisation. If you like the Curb version of Larry David or have a fondness for “that guy” comic actors like Nick Kroll and Paul Scheer you will probably enjoy The League.

3. Modern Family: On the surface, there isn’t much reason for TV critics and audiences to lavish this show with so much praise. It’s a typical sitcom about the antics of a zany family, complete with sexy trophy wife, annoyingly wise child, bumbling husband and gay couple. But for one reason or another Modern Family just feels right, whereas Two and a Half Men feels like an ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully the writers dumped the schmaltzy ending “This is the moral of the story” segments and have let the the show ease into a nice rhythm, allowing us to feel like the Dunphy-Pritchett family could actually exist. The comedy is broad and nonsensical, what makes it work is the feeling that these characters love each other and actually enjoy being in the presence of one another.

2. Community:

Too many TV/movie parodies. Too much meta-commentary. Too many gimmick episodes. Too much fucking awesome is what I say. A story about a disbarred lawyer who goes back to community college and becomes part of a quirky study group has somehow turned into one of the most inventive television shows in recent memory. In two seasons, Community has taken a group of broad stereotypes and fleshed out some great characters. Off the top of my head, we’ve seen parodies of zombie films, Goodfellas, Charlie Kauffman, John Woo, Lethal Weapon, space movies, Mean Girls and The Breakfast Club. Yet none of it feels truly forced and the actors do such a good job there is a heartwarming feel as each episode brings the band of misfits closer together. Bonus points for the hotness that is Allison Brie and Gillian Jacobs.

1. Party Down: The final two shows on this list have a similar theme of how to react when the life you had comes

crashing to a halt. Whereas Community takes a decidedly sunnier view of things (You may not be a rich and successful lawyer but at least you understand the meaning of friendship!), Party Down spent two seasons showing us just what happens to a man who decides to give up on the American Dream, and it’s decidedly unpleasant. An incredible cast and some ridiculous guest spots (Kristen Bell, Steve Guttenberg, JK Simmons) had you either laughing or cringing, usually both at the same time. More bad things happened to Ron Donald (played by Ken Marino) over the course of a season then what happens to child molesters in prison. The season “not series” finale but ultimately last episode deliberately left things open-ended but it still felt like a satisfying conclusion. The last shot of Henry (Adam Scott) nervously waiting for an audition, tired of leading a shit life but terrified of failing again, summed the series up quite nicely.

Santa Would Like to Leave You a Voicemail

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Google really knows how to make people like them and shill their products at the same time.  They have setup a Google Voice line just for Santa so you can have him call someone and leave a message.  I’m sure it’s aimed at convincing kids Santa really does exist but I have a suspicion that about 90% of these calls will be directed at adults and be slightly naughty, though this is tough to accomplish.

The basic idea is that you enter your name, the recipient’s name and then select various messages to include.  I sent one to the wife and she chuckled.

Since having only one Santa related product tie in isn’t enough for a company of their size, Google has also entered the highly lucrative Santa tracking game.

More info at the Google Voice Blog.

Word of the Day

pagophagia
[p??g?f??j?·?]
Etymology: Gk, pagos, frost, phagein, to eat
an abnormal condition characterized by a craving to eat enormous quantities of ice.

Person 1: “Don’t you think Aubrey Plaza is wicked-fucking hot?”

Person 2: “So hot, the bitch must be pagophagic!”

List-Mania MMX: TV Edition

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Like our fearless leader I have a fondness for lists. They are awesome for the sense of finality and authority they provide, even if they are created by drunk kittens. They’re great conversation starters (Hey Johnson did you see that list of 10 greatest rim jobs?) and if you’re a professional troll like Armond White lists can generate huge traffic to your otherwise pathetic blog. So, I’ve decided to break down the 10 best TV shows of 2010. I’ll tackle drama today and comedy in the near future.

Ultimate Caveat: I do not watch Mad Men. And minor spoilers apply for all shows.

5. The Walking Dead: Aside from Boardwalk Empire, no other show premeired this year to such rave reviews and incredible ratings. The 90 minute pilot was grandiose and Frank Darabont created a distinct visual style that transferred the zombie movie to basic cable without sacrificing any of the gore or horror we come to expect from the genre. However, the show definitely lost steam after a strong start. Poor writing, shallow stereotypes masquerading as supporting characters and an uneventful finale left me kind of disappointed. Still, the show has potential and hopefully a new writing staff can inject some life into the remaining characters.

4. Lost: I was initially annoyed at the finale but the more I look back the writers had basically put themselves in a corner and that was the easiest way out. In the end, it was still an entertaining show regardless of plot direction and the finale was fantastic until the final 10 minutes. They still should have killed Kate with the polar bear, I hated Kate.

3. Boardwalk Empire:  Out of all the new shows this year no other had as much hype and expectations as Boardwalk

Empire. You look at the impressive pedigree behind the scenes (Scorsese, Terrence Winter) and in front (Steve Buscemi, Omar Little, Michael Shannon), the subject matter and it’s kind of easy to see why people bust a nut over this show. Crosstalk favorite Brian Moylan trashed the show but he’s off his rocker. No, it’s not Goodfellas circa 1920 but there’s so much more going on. Personally, I loved all the political subplots. Where else are you going to find a major story arc involving Warren G. Harding’s long-forgotten mistress? A serious lack of Omar left me sad but I really liked the finale and all the set-ups for the next season. Bonus points for the Leonardo DiCaprio lookalike doing a bang-up job as Jimmy Darmody and Paz De La Huerta for showing her breasts.

2. Friday Night Lights:

Simply put, the best television drama no one talks about. Somehow a show about Texas high school football created by the guy who directed Hancock has turned into one of the most earnest, thoughtful portrayals of American life and the familial unit. There is no other show on TV that has given me goosebumps or made me tear up like FNL. The marriage of Eric and Tami Taylor just might be the most honest portrayal of a husband and wife I have ever seen on TV. In it’s final season and exiting on just a high of a note as when it started.

1. Breaking Bad: Heisenberg and Jesse Pinkman. I could write pages on the brilliance of these characters, the

absolute dominance by Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul over my mind grapes. This show made me say “Holy fucking shit” more times than I can recall. An episode where all the main characters did was chase a fly around a meth lab was filled with more drama and catharsis than the entire season of Dexter. The ending of “One Minute” had me screaming at the screen like a stereotype in a Wayans Brother movie. What started as a means to pay for chemotherapy and surgery has turned into a defining characteristic for Walter White. No matter how many times he tries to step away, the meth and money always come calling. Like The Sopranos, the show has no qualms about making their main character a terrible human being, one who with each season slips further into despair.

100 Word Movie Review: Black Swan

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From the too-revealing trailers, you probably know that Natalie Portman plays an intense, unstable ballerina who might be losing her mind because she either is or is not – the psychological tension works either way – being undermined by a competing dancer (the gorgeous Mila Kunis).

What you don’t know is that Darren Aronofsky’s film is dark, off-kilter and tense throughout as it weaves together story elements taken from Swan Lake (duh), “The Double,” and stage mothers, real and fictional. Portman’s performance should not be missed; she embodies the emotional and physical frailty of a woman driven to the edge.

Was it all just a dream?

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Perhaps it’s the drugs.

Lately, I’ve been having as least one very vivid dream each week. When I awaken, I can remember the details so well that I actually have to question whether or not I actually did teleport myself to Chicago where I met up with an ex who then took me to Joseph Arthur’s house so we could crash there for the night.

Yeah, maybe it is the drugs.

Then, there was the dream where my co-workers and I had to move offices to a more crowded floor, but first, we had to go to a concert in an amphitheater. I can easily remember walking through the grass towards the stage and waiting for the band to perform. There was even an instance in the dream where one of the guys from the band recognized me.

Drugs are good! Mmmkay?!?

No matter their subject, I can’t complain about the dreams, actually. My physical life isn’t nearly as exciting, so I’m glad at least one part of my brain is firing and making sure I have a good time somewhere.