EthologyNerd

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A sassy disaster. Follow me on Twitter: @missripleysmom Email me: [email protected]

Crass Catharsis Poetry: Terrible Things

Hi, everybody, and here’s a little poetry for you today. HUGE TRIGGER ALERT: It is about animal euthanasia. It’s a very difficult topic to discuss with civilians, but thousands of animal welfare workers across the country have to perform this procedure every day. It literally never gets easier. The reasons vary from shelter to shelter, but the huge amount of scorn and anger heaped upon those who do it does not make it easier to live with. I’ve literally been called a “murderer” to my face, at least twice. I’m definitely willing to answer and and all questions and explain why, until there many fewer homeless pets, the dying will not stop.

The Doberman pictured is my Jack, who was up for adoption until he became temperamentally unsound after being kenneled for four months; I adopted him to avoid his being put down (photo via DMS Photography)

Thanks to Salome Valentine, as well, for being the unsuspecting and very brave first Crasstalk reader.

 

“Terrible Things”

 

You do want to save them all.

You know you can’t save them all.  Being in charge of a death,

no matter how small, is like diving into a quarry over and over,

knowing there’s water there but never losing that feeling you’ll hit the bottom.

“It’s what we do, it’s herd management,” you say.

It never changes the fact that you got here because you wanted to help,

not because you wanted to see them die.

 

 

This life is only for tough girls.  You know that now

because all the women you work with, at least the ones that are

good at what you do, have seen the kinds of things you have.

Not the little deaths of feral kittens,

and not the dogs you got to love ferociously for a short time

until you have to hold them, be soothing and strong

as you inject them with “the blue stuff.”

 

You wonder as you do it what it feels like, if it’s cold,

if it’s that dizzy buzzy feeling you got when they put the IV in you

and you said goodbye to that thing, 4 months strong, inside you.

 

These women are hard from a life that came from

feeling those little deaths all the time:

parents divorced, a dad who hit them, a spouse that was killed,

it all increasingly more hurtful,

a life that’s just been such a struggle, a life that just didn’t turn out

the way they would have planned it.

 

Those little things rub inside until there’s a callus.

There’s enough skin there that taking a life is just

another hard thing you do.

 

You want to be good at it.

The people who teach you how tell you

that skill and confidence are the best things you can bring to euthanasia.

 

“Good death,” they all tell you in the classes about the greek roots

of the word, and you do believe it.  You are here because you have to do it,

and you want it to be that elusive “good death.”

 

But you worry sometimes it isn’t,

especially when you don’t have that collected calm,

that skill and confidence they told you to have.

You wonder if you’re like the nurse that couldn’t find your vein,

poking and digging in your arm, your hand, your wrist

with that cold, rigid needle and apologizing,

all the while you getting more and more nervous and hurt.

Saying nothing.

Saying it’s fine.

 

It’s the most macho thing you do,

to pretend it doesn’t hurt.

In this job you have to have an outlet, they say,

a release.

 

But all the gallows humor and unspoken guilt you have

in those brief moments after you do it doesn’t change the fact

that no one outside of there knows how it feels,

and when you have three beers or a bottle of wine

after work on those days you sometimes see

the lifeless thing YOU MADE THAT WAY.

 

Your boyfriend says he has bad days at work too,

and when he says that you are able to look at him with disdain,

and say his bad days never involve taking a life.

 

You coolly win the battle of who has a harder time,

but you know that winning the point doesn’t assuage

the thing still buried in you,

that thing you refuse to call pain.

 

They say it’s easy to hate people in this profession,

the ones that look at you with eyes as wide

as those on the living thing they dump into your hands

when they ask if they’ll find a home, as if

they hadn’t had one until fifteen minutes ago.

 

They want you to tell them what they want to hear,

that everyone goes to a huge house with a big yard

and everything a pet could ever want.  Sometimes

you want to soothe them, make them feel better

about the choices you know are hard.

 

Other times you want to look them dead in the eye

and explain to them exactly what they’re doing,

leaving an animal to be confused and scared

like you were when you were a child,

wondering why you were wrong again, and

wondering what inexplicable thing would come next.

 

Not in my backyard, these people are saying.

I love animals but I don’t want this one.

I can’t keep it but I don’t want you to kill it.

 

Fine, you say.

You’ve had to suffer the consequences

all your life, anyway.

You resent the people who feel like they’ve

walked away absolved,

because you never are,

you’ve done terrible things

 

and you remember every one.

 

Indifferent Military Wife Theater

I’m a military spouse. A really bad one, if all the “manuals” on this theoretical occupation are to be believed.

Sample quote:

“Some women think they’re cool by driving over the speed limit on base, dressing like prostitutes, and getting drunk at command functions…You are socializing with your husband’s bosses and colleagues, and you need to behave as such. You may be harming your service member’s career prospects- and therefore your income potential- by acting wildly. So grow up already!”

I don’t want to give you all too many good tips about being part of the “silent ranks” (seriously, that is what they call it) at once, so just digest that one for now.

In most ways, Airman Nerd’s job is like an accountant’s, in that it affects and interests me only tangentially. But in other ways, it is definitely a lifestyle we’re not used to. And here’s a little snippet of how things went when we got his first base assignment:

When he found out where we were going to live, our friends asked if we were going to live on base when we were at dinner.

“Oh, hell no!” I shrieked, liberally splashing wine on someone. “Does anyone think I’d get along with those bitches? They’d all be going, ‘Oh, that girl with the unbrushed hair and dirty yoga pants is screaming again. Look at those dogs, biting each others’ necks like vampires and digging their way to another base. This is the sixth time this week the Chinese food delivery guy has been to their house.'”

With that preconceived (and possibly judgmental) notion of military wives in my mind, Airman Nerd wisely decided I could pick where we lived. And, anyway, our very dangerous dogs would not be allowed in base housing. Tell that to the Chihuahua that bit me at work a few months ago.

So we rented a house. Actually, a cute little house, and the bonus of military life is that people assume you’re good for the rent money. We paid no security or pet deposit. This was hopeful on the part of our landlords, as the entire yard will need to be reseeded when we move out and the 25-year-old linoleum doesn’t stand up well to copious amounts of drool and water-bowl spillage. Sorry, Landlord Bruce!

I got the job I was hoping for, as we listed our base preferences in order of where I had the best chance of working in a progressive animal welfare organization. Too bad it was twenty-five miles from where we live, and we have one car.

Once, my husband got a ride home from work with one of his officers (same age, single). “You shouldn’t have to give her the car,” he told my spouse. “How much does she even make, anyway?”

My husband allegedly kept his mouth shut (even if he didn’t, he told me he did, and that’s the important half).

Continuing on, Staff Sargeant Sexist said, “I mean, she doesn’t have to work.” (Ohhh…hell…)

Airman Nerd extricated himself from this discussion and relayed it to me later.

Is rage-laughter a thing? If it is, that’s what I was doing. Rage-laughing. “HE DON’T KNOW ME! STAFF SARGEANT DOUCHEBAG, I SAY! WHAT WOULD I DO ALL DAY?”

I continued ranting at a capital-letter volume until Mr. Nerd pointed out that he wasn’t the one suggesting I stay home and take care of the house and…the dogs, I guess, since I’d rather own thousands of scorpions than even one child.

So we continued on, with his helpful boss suggesting things like, “You should get another car,” and “She should find a job that’s closer,” which we hadn’t thought of before, naturally, because Airman Nerd is an adult with a degree in his field and I’m a lady.

Still, we soldier on (get it?) with one car amongst two people who both have careers. We’re pioneers in that way; two kids just tryin’ to figure out how to have a dual-income-no-kids household.

Training Corner: The Dominance Myth

Welcome again to Training Corner! Pull up a chair for another exciting lesson in dog training (cat people, good luck on that. Your columns will be coming). Today, we’re talking about what is often called “dominant” behavior in dogs.

For our purposes, we’ll be talking about the idea that a dog must consider you the “alpha” or “pack leader” in the house. This is patently untrue, though the theory was well-accepted in dog training circles for many years. We now know, empirically, that it isn’t true, just as times have changed and we now know that putting cocaine in a soft drink isn’t the best idea.

“But, EthologyNerd,” you ask, “how is my horrible dog going to listen to me if he doesn’t respect me? Doesn’t he have to think I will rip out his throat if he angers me, as I am the alpha wolf?” Short answer: No, idiot. Long answer: What you think of as “alpha” behavior has very little to do with getting your dog to do what you want it to do. So we’ll debunk a few common misconceptions.

The “Alpha Rollover”

Myth: This is what wolves do in the wild, and a dog is exhibiting submissive behavior when it rolls over and exposes its belly. So you should force the dog onto its back and maybe grab its throat, and then it will understand that you have the power to make it submit to you.

Fact: Wolves do not typically force other wolves into a submissive position except in very specific situations (e.g. feeding and mating). Plus, wolves and domestic dogs are many, many generations removed and their behaviors are now very different. Submission, in dogs, is a consenting behavior (don’t be a pervert). Forcing a dog into a certain position, be it belly-up, laying down, or doing a sun salutation, doesn’t mean it will elicit a certain behavior. It may just anger an especially unwilling dog.

True story: my former boss, a woman who has been training dogs longer than I’ve been alive, did an “alpha rollover” on her feisty Rottweiler when this was still an accepted practice. This dog nearly bit her hands off. Might be different if you did it with a Shih Tzu, but why would you even?

Leash correction and corporal punishment

Myth: when you are training a dog, if you use a choke chain or prong collar, when the dog does something you don’t want it to do, yank up on the leash to issue a correction, so the dog knows it did something bad and you have the power to hurt it. You can see a similar method using a noose leash on Caesar Milan’s program. This also includes other physical punishment such as hitting a dog on the nose or grabbing its mouth and holding it shut.

Fact: Let me pose a question. Which job would you rather have: 1) one where you are praised when you do well, given raises and bonuses when you do very well, and come to work anticipating a great day and wanting to work hard for your rewards, or: 2) a job where you’re berated every time you do something wrong, screamed at when something doesn’t go right even if you have no idea what happened, and get no raises or praise, ever?

This is not a look you want to aim for.

If you chose 2), you’re a masochist. Dogs are not masochists. Basic learning theory dictates that dogs will work harder for a reward than they will if punished. Also, when you punish a dog, they still have no idea what it is they “should” be doing to get a positive response. They’ll listen to you, sure, but out of fear. And Machiavelli aside, it’s not that powerful a motivator if they don’t know what you do want them to do. In fact, it can elicit a fear response and the dog may learn to react to pain with aggression. Worse, if you do it because your friendly dog wants to lick a child or sniff another dog, it may learn to associate the pain of the correction with children or dogs, and voila! You’ve got a much bigger problem.

Leash correction is still sometimes used in very specific situations. However, a novice trainer can cause much more harm than good because the timing of the correction, the placement of the collar, and the duration of the correction all need to be exact and correct; in all, it’s best to avoid it unless you are working with an experienced trainer that also uses positive reinforcement. In addition: incorrect technique, especially if using a “choke chain,” can have lasting physical effects on your dog, including thyroid and trachea damage.

Making your dog eat after you or making sure your dog goes after you out the door.

Myth: if you give your dog something it finds valuable first, or let it walk ahead of you, you’re reinforcing the idea that the dog “ranks” higher than you.

Fact: This is still controversial, but again, just because wolves do it doesn’t mean it always makes sense in a dog-human relationship. Your dog knows you’re a human, not another dog. So why do they try and squeeze out the door ahead of you? They’re excited. They like to go outside. This is not an indication of dominance, it’s an indication that they want to go out. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t train your dog to wait on command before going outside; it can be very dangerous to have a dog that dashes out any open door and you should still be the first one out the door to avoid problems.

Likewise, the order in which you feed your dog doesn’t matter; I, for example, feed my dogs at a time that’s convenient for me, as do many people. If your dog begs or tries to steal food, again, it’s not because it thinks it’s the “alpha,” it’s because food tastes great and you haven’t properly trained your dog to sit quietly at human mealtimes. Teaching a dog manners is not about dominance; it’s about training a dog to behave in a way that suits your needs and your household.

Dominance and leadership are the same thing.

Myth: Well, really. We’re all pretty smart here. Are they synonyms? If I punch you in the face and take your wallet, one could argue that I exhibited dominance in our relationship. But does that make me a leader? Not in most jurisdictions.

Fact: “Dominance” is a concept that only exists between members of the same species, and even among them, it is rarely enforced by challenge. Leadership is, in this case, a benign concept. Of course you don’t want your dog to think they’re smarter or better than you. If your last name is Palin, then I wish you the best of luck, as you’ll struggle to best your canine. But for the rest of us, it’s very simple.

You need not rule your dog’s life with an iron fist, or be concerned with your “rank.” Leadership is, essentially, making the animal want to work for you. As the animal with the larger forebrain, it’s your job to show them exactly how they can please you. In fact, unless your dog is doing something dangerous or highly destructive, ignoring or redirecting that behavior will result in “extinguishment” over time. Meaning that yelling or throwing something at your dog still reinforces a behavior, especially if they’re seeking attention.

Leadership is positive.

Part of being a responsible dog owner is training your dog. Many of these alleged “dominant” behaviors stem from owners not setting clear rules. In this case, a dog may “try” to get what they want in a number of dog-specific ways, like mounting, barking in your face, or electing to ignore a known command. In that case, working with a reputable trainer is even more important. But setting limits and rewarding good behavior goes much farther than physical discipline or other types of “pack leader” behaviors some trainers espouse. This is bad science. We know better now. You’d no sooner bite your dog to show him you’re the boss than mount your coworker’s leg to assert dominance over him (hopefully).

Have questions? We’re working on a Q&A column to run occasionally. Email your questions to TrainingCornerNerds -at- gmail.

 

Surrendering a Pet: Do It Right

Sometimes, after swearing you will spend the rest of your life with a dog or cat, a situation may arise where you can no longer keep them. In that case, you often face some difficult choices about what to do with your pet. Sit down. Let’s talk about the process.

Think about why you’re giving up your pet.

Obvious, right? Not in my experience. There are truly some times when you cannot keep an animal. If you are going through a breakup and the only place that didn’t laugh after they ran your terrible credit doesn’t allow pets, well, you can live in a Cavalier down by the river or you can do what you have to do. However, there are situations in which you need to pause a second.

Does the guy you’ve been dating for three weeks “hate” cats? Well, the cat is probably going to be around a lot longer than that guy, with your track record being what it is. Is your dog/cat/rabbit/Gila monster/emu doing something you find really

annoying? Harness the power of the Internet and see if there’s a way to fix it before you give it away, including spending time and money training it. Your parents toughed it out with you, didn’t they?

Don't give this guy up. Someday he could be a champion show hedgehog.

One very important thing to consider: is someone else going to be willing to adopt your pet? If you are giving the dog up because it has severe medical or behavioral problems, it may not be adoptable. If you don’t want to spend five thousand dollars on surgery or get bitten every day, who exactly is going to want to? Yes, there are some of us out there that are willing to take on “special needs” dogs, but not enough. And we all have too many misfit toys anyway and will likely get divorced if we bring any more home.

If you’re confident that you’re making the right decision, then continue on.

Re-homing a dog yourself: Proceed with caution.

Many people feel that they can do the best job of finding their pet a new home. I will tell you this is only the case if you also work at a shelter. Seriously. I’m not under the impression that I could do a better job of designing a website than someone who gets paid to do it. But if you do…

The first thing many people do is post an ad on Craigslist. Fine, but the person that wants your German Shepherd is also a pervert who’s trolling adult services. Never, ever, give your dog away for free. If you want to know what happens to free dogs…listen, you don’t actually want to know. Even in the event that the “adopter” is good-intentioned, if they’re unable to pay a small re-homing fee they may not be prepared for the cost of owning a dog.

If an interested party seems sane, ask questions of them. Do they have pets now? What’s their vet’s name? Can you see their house? Do they wear a lot of Ed Hardy? What’s their favorite old movie? You get the picture. If they’re reticent to give you their information or let you come to their house, they are hiding something. Be honest with them, too. If your dog is destructive or your cat hates kids, it’s your responsibility to find a home that can accommodate these issues.

You can often post ads on purebred rescue or adoption websites, but keep in mind that it can take months to get a response, and interviewing prospective adopters is a job in and of itself. Let’s assume you decide to go another route.

Bringing your dog to a shelter: Do your research and plan ahead.

There are as many different types of shelters as there are breeds of dogs. So if you’re unable to keep your pet, try to find a facility that will give him or her the best chance at finding another great home. Many rescues and shelters have limited space and there may be a waiting list. If you wait to call shelters until the day you leave the country to avoid that “bogus” felony indictment, you may not be able to choose where your pet ends up.

If you have time, visit and ask questions about their policies. Do they euthanize? Under what conditions? Does the facility seem unclean and the staff uncaring or do you see the dogs and cats frolicking with volunteers? Dogs and cats need enrichment when in a shelter environment. Try to find a facility that gives the animals toys and attention, allows adequate space, and doesn’t put animals that aren’t related in the same cages.

Find a shelter that has enough space for animals they take in.

Many shelters will keep an animal up for adoption until they find a home, as long as they remain adoptable. So don’t trick yourself into saying that your rabid Chihuahua, referred to as “Jack the Ripper” by everyone in your building, will stay up for adoption if he bites someone, or if he really does have rabies, for that matter. Even “no-kill” shelters will often not put a very sick or aggressive animal up for adoption.

Get everything together.

As the time approaches, make sure that, logistically, you are prepared to bring your animal to the shelter or to its new home. If you are not giving your animal up due to financial reasons, please get your pet up-to-date with all vaccinations and spay or neuter them if they’re intact. This can ensure that they remain healthy in the shelter and they may go up for adoption quicker. In addition, the shelter may ask for a fee at the time of surrender. Again, unless you are financially unable to do this, pay it. They are shouldering the cost of its care indefinitely, and your pet is not a donation.

Write down his or her daily habits, the name of the vet, personality quirks, fears, favorite toys- anything that comes to mind. Many shelters keep this information in the animal’s file and can tell the new owners what Captain Crunch loves to play with.

Also, anything Crunch has, be it litter, toys or scratching posts, can be brought to the shelter. Many will tag the items so they can go with him to the new home. Even if the shelter’s unable to do that, donations are appreciated.

The hard part: Saying goodbye and letting go.

There is no witty or light way to put this: the day you walk away from your pet will be brutal. Get it done early in the day. When you get to the shelter, there will again be some paperwork and they may want to get a brief history on your pet. Just get through it. Again, be honest. Many shelters do a temperament evaluation on animals, so they’ll find out if your dog goes insane when you try to take a bone from it.

A lot of shelter volunteers and staff may seem unsympathetic- unfortunately, this is the byproduct of seeing thousands of animals a year relinquished. If you are giving up your Cockapoo because your four-year-old “promised” she’d housebreak it and take it for walks but didn’t follow through, you deserve every bit of their contempt. Sorry.

Hopefully, though, you aren’t giving up your pet for a reason like that, and you work with someone who is kind and understanding. Know that in most shelters, including those that bill themselves as “no-kill,” an intake counselor cannot guarantee your pet will go up for adoption or tell you when.

Please remember, most shelters and rescues are unable to tell you anything about your pet, including whether he or she has been adopted, or give it back to you, once you relinquish ownership. This is often legally binding. If you have any reservations about leaving your pet at this point, don’t do it. In the end, trust that they will do everything they can to find it a forever home, and it may be more painful to know whether your pet is still at the shelter four months from now than not to know at all.

Go home and do something to take your mind off it.

Have a margarita, or a massage, or both. I can’t tell you it will ever stop hurting, but you’ll know that you did the best you could for them. It’s a difficult choice, but if you do it the right way, and you’re realistic about what will happen, someday, you’ll sleep easier knowing the pet you loved has someone else that loves them too.

 

To find a shelter or rescue in your area, click here.

 

Five Modern Authors You Should Read

Reading: it’s really a lost art. I’m not an old (although I’m about to sound like one), but kids these days just don’t read unless it’s the “Twilight” saga. Yes, I read that, but I also read everything I could get my hands on since I was four. My mother, thank God, didn’t think that stealing her Stephen Kings at age six was a good idea. So she’d take me to Crown Books (old!) and I was only allowed to pick books out from the “Classics” section.

I would read the back of the shampoo bottle. Much like with music, I have no shame or taste. I’ll read Dean Koontz while listening to Britney if I want. I’ll read “Vanity Fair” while listening to Chopin. I’ll read Chuck Palahniuk while listening to something intentionally “avant-garde.” So I think I have a pretty good range of reference when it comes to modern-day literature and non-fiction.

Everyone knows “The Great Gatsby” is a great book. Tom Wolfe’s great. But there are some great books that don’t have the reputation they have. So here’s a little list of authors you should get familiar with, if you haven’t. It’s by no means comprehensive, but these are some of the best writers of the last, we’ll say, fifteen years.

Mary Roach,”Stiff,” “Spook,” “Bonk,” “Packing for Mars”

Roach is a non-fiction writer that tackles subjects that she personally finds interesting, like cadavers, or sex. Aren’t we all a little interested in those things? Her books are very funny, and very nerdy-factual. I would marry her. There have been times that I
 have literally spit/choked/giggled while reading her books. Don’t bring one on an airplane. Your seatmate will be concerned about your mental health.

Jonathan Franzen, “The Twenty-Seventh City,” “Strong Motion,” “The Corrections,” “Freedom”

Franzen’s kind of a controversial guy, Oprah debacle aside. Some people love him; some people think he’s absolutely the epitome of navel-gazing, indulgent, latter-day ennui. I like his writing, perhaps because a lot of us are, in fact, experiencing some latter-day ennui ourselves. His books have a steep trajectory; each one is better than the next. He’s Tom Wolfe-esque. Only his slice of life is the upper-middle-class, over-educated and under-sane demographic.

Carolyn Parkhurst, “The Dogs of Babel,” “Lost and Found,” “The Nobodies Album”

In all honesty, “The Dogs of Babel” is one of my favorite books of all time. Her books address loss, grief, redemption and love (you know, all the little things in life) without veering into chick-lit territory. Her writing is vivid and practically poetic. I’d compare her to Margaret Atwood, but she’s not quite Atwood, either. Sometimes, her books are visceral and heartbreaking. Her voice is really unique, and if you only read one book from this list, read “Dogs.”

Jen Lancaster, “Bitter Is the New Black,” “Bright Lights, Big Ass,” “Such a Pretty Fat,” “Pretty in Plaid”

Lancaster is equal parts chick lit, sarcastic bitch, and pop-culture analyst. If you read her books, start at the beginning; they’re all memoirs…so reading in that sequence helps. As a bitchy pit bull owner from Chicago, they struck a certain chord with me. Her books are full of snark, and we do love the snark here, so again, be prepared for a decent amount of wine-spitting when you read her books.

Amy Hempel, “Reasons to Live,” “At the Gates of the Animal Kingdom,” “Tumble Home, “The Dog of the Marriage”

Hempel is, in many ways, the antithesis of Franzen. She’s a minimalist, and her words are chosen very carefully to elicit readers’ responses without saying very much at all. Her prose is stark and clean but still manages to reverberate in my head long after I’ve finished a story. She writes mostly short stories, and short leaves plenty of room for an echo chamber of feelings and thoughts after reading a piece by her. “The Collected Stories of Amy Hempel” is a great place to start.

So, those are my picks. You’ll definitely disagree (and maybe agree), but I tried to pick just five of the amazing authors out there. There are many honorable mentions, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t list just one:

Kurt Vonnegut, everything.

Vonnegut’s main body of work isn’t in the last fifteen years, but he’s easily one of the best, and most prolific, writers of the last fifty years. Satire is effortless for this man. As a nod to our mascot, the honey badger, he doesn’t give a shit. At all. His books lampoon everything from the end of the world to mental illness to modern politics. He makes sci-fi cool. He’s a shameless lefty and atheist. He is just fantastic, funny, and brilliant (yes, I clearly have a crush on a dead man). My introduction to Vonnegut was “The Sirens of Titan,” but you can start anywhere, as long as you keep picking up another Vonnegut book. The world is less amazing without Kurt Vonnegut in it.

 

So, please share your favorite authors in the comments, and I’ll ferociously defend my choices, as well.

 

Crass Gossip: Wednesday

Hey, everybody, here’s your Crass Gossip for Wednesday. Enjoy.

  • Charlie Sheen. That is all. Google his name if you really want Charlie Sheen news. You get a picture and that’s it.
  • But, because I’m a hypocrite, Tila Tequila would like to be Charlie’s only “goddess.” Because she was so good for Casey Johnson, right? Anyway, she says she can “show Chucky a good time- but also help him out.” Vomit, vomit, vomit. (The Superficial)
  • Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are fighting viciously over custody of a NYC borough! Wait. They’re neither fighting viciously nor fighting over a borough. “The Bronx” is their son, and Fall Out Boy’s Wentz wants joint legal/physical custody. Simpson, who had a bit part in “The Hot Chick,” wanted primary custody. Sounds riveting. (US)
  • Miley Cyrus is texting some guy from Kings of Leon. I guess she could…wait for it…”Use Somebody”? (Sorry.) (Dlisted)
  • This is the headline of an actual article: “Kim Kardashian Is ‘Princess Jasmine’ At Hotels, Wears Tight Leather Pants.” In other “news”, I check into hotels as Ursula, the villain from “The Little Mermaid” (yes, I demand to be called by that full description) and wear striped pajama pants. Flannel if I’m feeling frisky. (The Huffington Post)
  • Lindsay goes to court tomorrow. She could do jail time! She may not do jail time! She’ll plead guilty! She refuses a plea bargain! She’ll certainly be wearing clothing (Jesus, I hope)! We’ll talk about that more, you know, tomorrow. But if you can’t get enough, knock yourself out: (TMZ)
  • You know who’s not doing jail time because he DID plea bargain? Mel Gibson. (Popeater)
  • Lady Gaga’s apartment used to be filled with “bed bugs and roaches on the floor and mirrors with cocaine everywhere.” Stars: They’re just like us! (The Hollywood Gossip)
  • Michele Salahi, apparently of “The Real Houswives of D.C.,” the one neither you or I watched, got kicked off of “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.” Fame addiction (her alleged affliction) is kind of like my “addiction” to hot bubble baths, I guess. You’ll never guess the answer to this, but is she pissed? SPOILER ALERT: Yes. Her dubious argument is that she has multiple sclerosis. I’m not a medical doctor, but while MS is a disease, it is not actually an addiction. (Dlisted)
  • Maybe it’s a good thing Michele’s dangerous habit of speedballing fame isn’t being treated at Pasadena with Drew. (Joke, joke.) Mike Starr, former Alice in Chains bassist and part of Season Three of “Celebrity Rehab”, passed away yesterday at age 44. Cause of death is unknown, but Starr struggled for the better part of two decades with an opiate addiction. RIP Mike, and please think for a moment today of all those that have struggled with, succumbed to, or beat their addictions. (Radar)

 

So that’s our Hump Day. Very little sex involved. If you’re interested in collaborating with myself or Alluson, let us know in the comments if there’s a day you’d like to take or if you’d just like to throw some tidbits our way when you have them.

Edit by Alluson: Ms.Antropy has volunteered to do Thursday’s gossip, and the lovely ihatediamonds is covering Friday’s. Weekend duty is open!

Training Corner: Appetite for Destruction

Welcome to EthologyNerd’s Training Corner. Each week I’m going to take a look at the most common behavior problems pet owners deal with and offer some solutions. This week: Destructive behavior.

It’s important to first understand why dogs chew. Basically, it’s in their genes: from an instinctual standpoint, chewing is the canine version of sucking. Wolves, hyenas and other canids do it too. When a human sucks, endorphins are released in the brain; when a dog chews, it gets the same endorphin high.

From an evolutionary standpoint, it started with bones. Bones are filled with marrow and therefore high in nutritional value. Chewing also helps promote healthy teeth and gums. Consequently, canines that were able to procure bones not only got more nutrition, but had stronger teeth, ensuring they were more adept at hunting. Those dogs were also more likely to survive and breed.

The domestic dog has a couple more reasons to chew. Puppies, like babies, explore the world around them with their mouths. As a puppy grows, they, of course, begin to lose their puppy teeth and begin teething. Teething typically occurs between 3 and 10 months of age; if your dog is older than that, there are other factors at play.

Some dogs are specifically bred to put stuff in their mouths. I’m looking at you, retrievers. Dogs like this typically have what’s called a “soft mouth,” meaning that, while they’ll walk around all day with a tennis ball in their mouth, they aren’t as likely to destroy things (although some still will). Those dogs were originally used to retrieve hunted game without mangling the carcass. Terriers, however, are born to seek and destroy. Any terrier breed, be it Jack Russell, pit bull, or Schnauzer, was originally used

IRL, he would have destroyed those ruby slippers.

to catch game and kill them. So they will delight in ripping up any toy they can; it’s pleasurable for them because it mimics the hunt.

So…neato. You have a dog that’s genetically predisposed to eating your Uggs. All well and good, but unless you have some kind of Ugg tree in the backyard, you want to stop it, huh? Well, it’s a good thing I’m here.

Put it away if you don’t want it in your dog’s mouth.

This is the number-one rule. You’re a biped with opposable thumbs, so you can open/close doors and reach high shelves. You may need to get inventive, and it may ruin your living room’s aesthetic to live for a while without those cute throw pillows, but you’ll lose them for good if you leave them lying around.

On that note, supervise your dog when you’re home. If you have to, clip a leash to your belt, or just keep them in the same room with you, door closed. This will prevent them from finding something before you can stop them.

A tired dog is a good dog.

All dogs need mental and physical stimulation. The above mentioned terriers and retrievers are full of energy. If you own a dog that is bouncing around the house and getting into all kinds of trouble, that dog is basically begging for exercise.

Aim for aerobic-level exercise for at least 30 minutes a day. If you own a Chihuahua, less; if you own a Border Collie, much, much more. Dogs also need human interaction. If your dog is alone twelve hours a day, consider a doggy day-care or a dog walker so you don’t release the Kraken when you walk in the door.

Get your dog some things he’s allowed to chew on.

Invest in some good chew toys. Puzzle toys, of which Kongs are the gold standard, are sturdy and also provide mental stimulation if stuffed with good treats like peanut butter or frozen wet food. Make sure that you never leave your dog alone with a toy that can be ripped apart and eaten, and remove any toys the dog has begun to tear up, as it can be a choking hazard or lead to intestinal blockage.

If you find little Jezebel with a knife in her mouth, gnawing blissfully on the handle (true story), don’t chase her around the house, yelling wildly. Your dog thinks this is the greatest game ever and will start to grab stuff just to play tag. Instead, find one of “her” toys and lure her into taking that; once she’s happily chomping away, praise her. This will teach her that, when she chews on the appropriate objects, mommy or daddy loves her. Also, sleep with one eye open.

Don’t expect perfection. Your dog is incapable of reading human minds (probably).

When you come home to a house that looks like meth-heads burglarized it, sigh dramatically, clean it up, and have a glass of wine. You only have a window of about two seconds to reward or redirect a dog’s behavior. So if they chewed up something an hour ago, they have no idea why you’re crying.

Many dogs chew things when they’re alone out of anxiety or boredom. Separation anxiety is a huge issue, and will be addressed in another article. Regarding boredom: if you don’t provide your dog with something to do, he’ll find something to do, and guaranteed it won’t be balancing your checkbook.

Crating with a good puzzle toy when you’re not home is the best way to ensure that your dog doesn’t get into trouble. Crating, when done properly and for appropriate amounts of time, is comforting to dogs as it mimics a den-like atmosphere for them.

Ultimately, channeling destructive behavior into a lovely evening with a Nylabone takes time and patience; if you have a young dog, I promise it gets better.

Please, feel free to share your ugliest destruction stories in the comments. If you show me yours, I’ll show you mine.

 

Behave Yourself In an Animal Shelter

This is (hopefully) the first in a series of articles about animal welfare and animal care. More and more people, and it seems, a lot of Crasstalkers, are opting to rescue dogs or cats. This is fantastic. However, in every shelter I’ve worked in, I have seen some of the most ridiculous behavior ever…and not by the animals. Wanna adopt? Great. Here’s how to make sure you actually save a life instead of making a shelter worker’s miserable.

1) Come in with an open mind

Maybe you’re looking for a specific age/breed/color. A lot of shelters have online request forms you can fill out and be notified when an Afghan hound puppy is available for adoption (hint: you will be waiting a while in that case). Maybe you don’t know what you want, but then see a dog that is just adorable. Either way, keep in mind that the way an animal looks or behaves in its run or cage is in no way indicative of its behavior outside of it. Staff members often know these dogs and cats very well. They’ll try to help you find a good fit.

That said, be realistic about your lifestyle. If you want a dog that will sit on the couch while you comment on open threads all day and a volunteer tells you that young Meth Lab needs 2 hours of aerobic-level exercise a day, take them at their word. Otherwise you’re going to need a lot of Xanax. For you and the dog.

2) Do not complain about the adoption fees or the adoption process

Almost every shelter is either city-run or non-profit. No matter which type it is, the animals aren’t eating filet mignon and playing with solid gold Kongs. In one shelter I worked at, the adoption fees literally did not cover the cost of caring for the animal during its stay. If there isn’t a vet clinic on site, you may be asked to pay for the spay or neuter, typically at a reduced price.

I say this in the nicest way possible: Shut your mouth. You’d pay thousands of dollars at a pet store for a mentally and physically unsound dog. You’re paying two hundred dollars for a dog that’s likely been vetted and temperament tested. Plus, you’re giving a homeless dog a new start. That’s worth it.

And the adoption process? There’s probably a form to fill out. Less complex than a 1040EZ, but more complex than grabbing a kitten and leaving. There are a lot of reasons for this. Firstly, just like at your job, records are kept. Secondly, we want to make sure you’re not starting a dog-fighting ring. There may be an interview, or a home visit, or a vet check. Again, this may be annoying if little Jazzlyn wanted a kitten for Christmas and it’s Christmas Eve, but Jazzy will have that cat until she drops out of Bennington after that debacle with her professor. She can wait two days.

If you don’t have thirty cats, keep your pets’ vaccinations up-to-date, and have good intentions, you’ll be able to adopt. The procedures probably aren’t in place because of you, but we don’t know you. So humor us and be patient.

3) Ask questions, and don’t tolerate rudeness

Lots of shelter workers and volunteers are overworked, and the phrase “I hate people” is only heard more often in the back of a restaurant. They see things…terrible, terrible things. So they can sometimes be abrupt or rude. That is not a reason, however, to allow yourself to be bullied, condescended to, or rushed through an adoption process. A medium-sized dog’s life span is, on average, 10-12 years. A cat, 14-16 years. That’s a hell of a commitment. So if you have questions about temperament, habits, health, or anything else, don’t hesitate to ask.

Tell the staff what your deal-breakers are (scratching? Biting? Barking? Jumping the fence?). They may not always know an animal’s background, but then you can take into account just how many unknowns you’re comfortable with. Any issue that concerns you is an issue you should address before you find out the dog they said was “kinda housebroken” is actually not. The staff says the dog you’re looking at is destructive? Ask NOW what that means. If it means the dog is going to claw a 3′ x 2′ hole in your bathroom wall, decide how much spackle you’re willing to purchase.

If the person you’re working with is nasty, ask to talk to someone else. And if everyone is unhelpful, go to another shelter. If they don’t take the time to help you find the right match, another shelter will.

4) But do understand the staff does know quite a bit

“I’ve had dogs all my life.” “My cat didn’t have a urinary tract infection so of course I didn’t take it to the vet; it wasn’t using the litterbox because it was angry with me.” “Rubbing the dog’s face in its poop is the only way they’ll get housebroken.” Okay…no. Along with keeping an open mind about which animal you adopt, keep an open mind regarding any advice the staff has.

Some shelters are volunteer-only; volunteers may still be a valuable resource for information regarding animal behavior and medical care. If you like a dog that isn’t housebroken, but you have no idea how to house-train, they can tell you how to do it, and reputable shelters will still help you with questions and concerns even after the adoption.

Paid employees are trained to do this for a living, and while they make less than McDonald’s employees, they do know a whole lot more. If they suggest that adopting a three-month-old puppy is not a good idea because you are working eighty-hour weeks, listen. If you come in espousing corporal punishment for your dog (or cat-I have heard that one too), and you are completely adamant that there is absolutely no other way to teach an animal, you are not going home with one. Guaranteed.

5) Be honest

This last one is more of a moral issue, but lying results in the worst kind of experience for both staffers and potential adopters. If your dog hasn’t gotten a rabies vaccination in five years, tell us. We’ll find out when we call your vet. If you’re honest, and get them up-to-date, you’ll probably be able to adopt. If you have four cats but say you have two because you think you won’t be able to adopt another one, and then we find out you lied, you’re not getting that cat. If you’d been honest and your town allows five cats, you would have been able to adopt.

If your last five pets got hit by cars, or you gave them away, say so. I’m not going to lie (see? I’m so MORAL!): you probably won’t be able to adopt, but you also need to step back a bit and think about whether making a lifelong commitment to the health and welfare of a pet is something you’re able to do right now.

If you get caught in a big lie, and it’s been made clear that you won’t be able to adopt a pet, graciously see yourself out. Fervent begging will not help. Yelling obscenities or threatening anyone will result in the police showing up. For God’s sake, please don’t just head to the shelter down the street. Lots of shelters share their “Do Not Adopt” list with each other, so we’re on to you. Instead, go get a fish, and work your way up from there. When you are ready to accept the responsibility of pet ownership, be honest and explain how things are different. We really do want these guys to get adopted- even the nicest shelter isn’t a home.

Oh, and don’t come in drunk or high. We’ll mess with you and make fun of you the whole time.

Get to adopting!