Botswana Meat Commission FC

286 posts
Botswana Meat Commission FC created Crasstalk.com when he saw the need for a crowdsourced solution to capturing Osama bin Laden. His heroes include Nick Denton and all Bronies ever.

Classic Rock That Radio Forgot

110 comments

While I love dubstep and electro-house and mash-ups and all the other robot-inspired future music that’s coming out nowadays, I still have a soft spot for classic rock. And while I love this music, there should be a law against classic rock radio stations endlessly playing the same crusty old “Layla” and “Smoke on the Water” shit.

Here are some tasty classic rock song that you don’t hear much anymore. I wouldn’t call any of them “obscure,” exactly. More like… mostly forgotten.


“Endless Highway” by The Band
Not only is The Band criminally underrated, but their album “Cahoots,” which this song appeared on, is absolutely full of great, great songs. In a more fair world, no one would know who Steve Miller is, and The Band would be a household name.


“New Minglewood Blues” by The Grateful Dead
I know anyone who’s ever liked punk rock must take a blood oath to hate this band, but they really do have an honest-to-god cowboy shit-kicker side to them that I’ve always liked. Here’s an early version of one of their best Old West-themed songs. This song makes me want to ride a horse and shoot Pancho Villa and shit.


“Bold as Love” by Jimi Hendrix
I heard John Mayer has been covering this song live for the past few years, but we won’t hold that against Jimi. Sometimes Hendrix’s guitar simply overpowers the song itself to the point that they become a bit harsh to really listen to. Fortunately this one achieves that perfect, tender balance between the great guitar playing, the wonderful song structure and excellent drugged-out 60s lyrics. I love it.


“Bike” by Pink Floyd
This one was included on the band’s debut album “Piper at the Gates of Dawn.” This was before Syd Barrett went nutso. Ok, probably not really before he went nutso, but before he was kicked out of the band and began living in a magical treehouse full of friendly leprechauns, or whatever.


“Jam in E” by Santana
This song is just fast as fuck and makes me want to run through a brick wall. This shit came out WAY before Carlos ever even conceived of starting his own private label Champagne.


“Medicated Goo” by Traffic
I’ve always considered Steve Winwood to be one of the cheesier of the 60s/70s rock gods, but this song is full of bad-assitude. (I have no idea why the youtube video has random images like that, but I assume it’s meant to throw off the RIAA copyright Stasi.)


“Sound and Vision” by David Bowie
Has everyone in the world already heard this tune? Maybe. But it came out on 1977’s “Low” Album, which for most casual fans, is pretty much completely below the fucking radar. Though it was named the greatest album of the 70s by Pitchfork. It’s a very cool little album, but…. coddamn Pitchfork hipster fucks.


“Speed King” by Deep Purple
I know Deep Purple is basically the real life version of Spinal Tap, and even hearing the first five notes of “Smoke on the Water” makes you want to stab a baby dolphin… but once in a while they came up with some good stuff. I’m also fairly sure they popped a bag full of trucker speed before performing this song.


“To Love Somebody” by Eric Burdon and The Animals
Eric Burdon is another rocker who’s just been criminally overlooked as the years pass. I think that’s possibly because a lot of his songs sound REALLY dated now. He captured the whole Crazy 60s Vietnam thing so well, but not many people really still want to listen to that. Anyway, here’s a great ballad that really does capture what it feels like to be crazy in love. Also, all the YouTube commenters on this song seem to be Spanish speakers. Is EB huge in Paraguay or something? I like to think so….


“I’m the Slime” by Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention
Here’s the band playing live on SNL, with subtitles in Spanish. (Seriously, is 70s guitar rock popular in Latin America? Why didn’t I know this?) The use of the satirical chalkboard is clearly ahead of its time. How did Zappa foretell the rise of Glenn Beck?


“All the Way From Memphis” by Mott The Hoople
Why exactly hasn’t Mott ever gotten its due? Maybe their shit is just too British for anyone with good teeth and a working liver to understand. Not exactly sure….


“Black Cow” by Steely Dan
Fun trivia: A black cow was an old-timey soda fountain drink with (I believe) Coca-Cola and vanilla ice cream. This tune has been sampled by numerous hip-hop songs. Also… Steely Dan’s music sounds exactly how cocaine feels.


“My Wife” by The Who
Like more or less every other rock band ever, The Who never let their bassist (John Entwhistle) write the songs or sing lead vocals. So here’s basically the only song he ever contributed to their catalog. I’m pretty sure it’s a story about the time he posted some comments about body image issues on Jezebel and had to make a quick getaway. We’ve all been there, dude.

Photo courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/frotzed/

Photo Phriday: Road Trip!

223 comments

Welcome to the second installment of Crasstalk Photo Phriday. Tonight we’re going on a road trip. Let’s see your pictures of:

  • Roadside attractions
  • Funny signs made by foreigners
  • Creepy Rob Zombie-esque desert hickvilles
  • Cars with hundreds of tchotchkes glued to the hood (not actually Tchotchke glued to the hood, hopefully)
  • Genuinely beautiful roadside landscapes
  • Those hitchikers that God told you to murder back in the cold, cold winter of 81

And since we usually do an alternate subject for those of you who don’t have ANY pictures from ANY road trip you EVER took (can you see me rolling my eyes, because I am), how about just post an interesting photo from any trip you took anywhere.

Here are instructions for how to post your pictures in the comments:

  • This is the magic computer code you use to make pictures appear: <img src=”PHOTO URL HERE“>
  • And it’s “photo URL“, not “photo file.” See, Crasstalk is a stubborn mistress, and she doesn’t accept gifts from your hard drive–only from the internet. Upload your photo to Facebook, Flickr, TinyPic, or any other online photo hosting site.
  • Or, if it’s something of which there’s more than one in the world, you might wanna just see if there’s a picture of your chosen knickknack online somewhere.
  • So for instance, let’s say I want to share with you all a photo of, oh, I dunno, my stepdad. But I don’t have any photos on my computer of him, and he’s out getting wasted again at the Applebee’s bar. Luckily, I find a picture of him online and insert it like so:

<img src=”http://www.stepdadsgettingitonwitheachother.com/passed-out/shirt_unbuttoned.jpg“ />

  • I go to the site in question, browse new pics for about a half hour (optional), subscribe to the site’s RSS feed (also optional), and then find the image of my dad. I right-click the picture (Ctrl-click, if I’m on a Mac) and select “View Image.” A new page appears, with just my photo on it! Oh boy.  Now all I do is copy-and-paste the URL and plug it into the img src html code. Voilà!

All The Hipsters Are Moving Into ‘Rhino’s Testicle’

42 comments

I don’t know about you, but I think South Sudan is a real up-and-comer in the international league of BATSHIT INSANE NATIONS. I think this is their plan:

1. Gain your independence.

After years fighting a civil war against the Northern-dominated central government of Sudan, South Sudan will become the world’s newest nation back in July of this year. So far, so good. Everyone loves the new guy at the U.N.

2. Elect a Cool Guy as president.

I’m fairly sure President-Elect Salva Kiir Mayardit was the genius behind the “Speakerboxx” album.

3. Get access to 80 percent of Sudan’s oil production.

What could go wrong? Oil wealth is pretty much the easiest way to make your people suddenly appreciate the opulence of solid gold toilets and feel a sense of perpetual happiness (mainly due to pooping in aforementioned solid gold toilets).

4. Profit.

This is oil. There is no fucking “????” step.

5. Develop your nation’s human capital.

With all that oil money coming in, here’s your chance to invest in programs that raise development levels. South Sudan will invest in hings like new schools, better medical facilities and universities in order to diversify its economy and not become too dependent on oil revenues like, ahem, every other country that has been cursed with oil.

5. Build cities in the shape of awesome shit like animals, and fruit.

With the sudden massive inflow of foreign capital, you’re suddenly VERY FUCKING RICH, South Sudan. Don’t plan for tomorrow. Build huge cities in cool shapes. And spend $10.1 billion doing it. What could go wrong with this plan?

Liveblogging the Human Rebellion Against Our Jeopardy Robot Overlords

71 comments

Liveblogging tonight’s episode of the Jeopardy? Bad idea or WORST idea?

We shall see! Stay tuned and joined in on the fun as we show these computers that we’re more than just walking penises and vaginas. We’re also well-oiled intellectual non-machines.

Well, shit. I just looked at my cable guide and it says they’re airing the Teen Jeopardy championship or something tonight. DANG IT!

Machines 1
Stupid Humans 0

Image courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/charliecurve/

Il Fenomeno Retires

18 comments

Ronaldo (not the pretty-boy Portuguese one, the gap-toothed Brazilian one) retired yesterday. He was nicknamed Il Fenomeno because, well, he was one of the most hyped and anticipated young players the world had ever seen when he first came on the scene. He ended his career in somewhat Favre-esque levels of public shame but nevertheless should be remembered as one of perhaps the ten greatest footballers to ever play the sport.

The first time I really started hearing about Ronaldo was back in 97 and early 98, during the run-up to the 98 World Cup in France. He had just spent his first great season at Inter Milan and the 98 Cup was his massive international breakout.

I remember first seeing this Nike ad on TV in the U.S. and being absolutely blown away that they would put a soccer commercial on the air.

I just watched this video for the first time in years and was surprised that it featured so many of Ronaldo’s teammates because in my mind, this was the Ronaldo commercial. It didn’t hurt Nike that Ronaldo had an excellent cup run (despite a poor final showing against France) and ended his career as the all-time top goal scorer in World Cup history.

So over the next ten years, Ronaldo would go on to star at Inter Milan and then Real Madrid. What made him so dangerous is that he combined the excellent dribblling and passing skills of a playmaking midfielder with the killer instinct of a striker.

Here’s a 15 minute video of dribbling highlights:

Here are gobs of great Ronaldo finishes:

Here’s the thing, though. Ronaldo, much like Elvis, went through a sort of crazy period late in his career. A few seasons ago, back playing in Brazil for Corinthians, the media started noticing the Fat Ronaldo.

Now, this physique might not be an issue for baseball or football fans, but soccer players are expected to run a few miles at full speed in every match. And when Ronaldo didn’t score a goall, his weight became an easy scapegoat for the absolutely brutal soccer media. (Yesterday he mentioned a thyroid condition as one of the causes of his retirement.)

Then three years ago he was extorted by three tranny prositutes he met in a Rio nightclub. You know, typical stuff!

Oh, and back in December, after a paternity test revealed that he had a fourth kid after he knocked up a waitress, he publicly announced his vasectomy and said he’s “closing the baby factory.”

OK, so he may have had a bit of a bumpy road there in the past few years, and he had to suffer the indigignity of having his name appropriated by the thoroughly unlikeable Cristiano Ronaldo. But despite all that, no one can take away Ronaldo’s 15 World Cup Goals, two World Cup trophies, dozens of major league championships and three Fifa World Player of the Year Awards. And most of all… that goofy gap-toothed smile.

Simple Rules: Writing Posts

137 comments

As everyone knows, this site has become an experiment in just how big a group blog can get before it crashes into an iceberg and kills thousands of people. We love the enthusiasm that our 90+ authors bring to the site and we have absolutely no intention of limiting your ability to express your creativity.

That said, we’ve learned a few things over the past week and it’s necessary to make some subtle changes to ensure that the site keeps getting better.

  • DO request an author account. If you don’t already have an author account, and would like one, email jfurfari -at- gmail.com to request one. If you’re brand new to the site, settle in and start contributing as a commenter. We’re much more likely to approve commenters who’ve already made a contribution to the site.
  • DO pick a unique password. If you haven’t picked out a unique password yet, do it NOW. Failing to do that could compromise the site’s security, and with so many authors, this is a real concern.
  • DO NOT hit publish. From now, authors will not actually be publishing their articles themselves. Instead, you’ll write the post and format it as normal in WordPress and save it as “PENDING REVIEW.”  An editor will look it over, make sure everything is ready to go, and schedule a time for it to be published. This will make it much easier for us to make sure everyone’s articles stay up top for longer without being bumped just because 8 other people posted at the same time you did. If you continually violate this rule, expect to lose your author account.
  • DO NOT edit your post after it is moved to pending or is scheduled.
  • DO NOT create new categories.  New tags are fine though.
  • DO NOT select categories for your post. We’ll assign categories for you.
  • DO add a blurb about yourself that appears at the bottom of your articles. To do that, go to your User page and add it to the About section there. Also, make sure you have an avatar loaded.
  • DO NOT add a “Featured Image.”  Just place a photo at the top of the post that’s around 550 pixels wide.
  • Do NOT start open threads. We’ll handle that. It gets crazy when there are five different open threads being started around the same time.
  • DO submit your articles ahead of time. The further ahead we can schedule all the new posts, the better.
  • DO NOT assume we’ll automatically publish your article just because you wrote it. We don’t plan to wield a heavy hand in terms of what you write about, but in some cases we may feel that your article is not a good fit for the site. Please try to either be cool about it and understand that your article just wasn’t quite the right fit… or cause a big pageview-generating public bitchfest in the comment section. We like spectacle.
  • DO come up with ideas for weekly columns. If you have a great idea, pick out a day of the week and post your idea in the comments here so that the other authors know what you’re working on. We really want more liveblogs, recaps, reviews, etc.
  • DO NOT make posts with just a single link/video and not much else. This isn’t Twitter. Put some time and effort into your posts. There are a LOT of eyeballs reading your articles so focus on presenting something unique and interesting.

Dear Leader Speaks

152 comments

Dear Peasants and Assorted Self-Aggrandizers,

We have been up all night, my friends and I, beneath mosque lamps whose brass cupolas are bright as our souls, because like them they were illuminated by the internal glow of electric hearts. And trampling underfoot our native sloth on opulent Persian carpets, we have been discussing right up to the limits of logic and scrawling the paper with demented writing.

Our hearts were filled with an immense pride at feeling ourselves standing quite alone, like lighthouses or like the sentinels in an outpost, facing the army of enemy stars encamped in their celestial bivouacs. Alone with the engineers in the infernal stokeholes of great ships, alone with the black spirits which rage in the belly of rogue locomotives, alone with the drunkards beating their wings against the walls.

Then we were suddenly distracted by the rumbling of huge double decker trams that went leaping by, streaked with light like the villages celebrating their festivals, which the Po in flood suddenly knocks down and uproots, and, in the rapids and eddies of a deluge, drags down to the sea.

Then the silence increased. As we listened to the last faint prayer of the old canal and the crumbling of the bones of the moribund palaces with their green growth of beard, suddenly the hungry automobiles roared beneath our windows.

“Come, my friends!” I said. “Let us go! At last Mythology and the mystic cult of the ideal have been left behind. We are going to be present at the birth of the centaur and we shall soon see the first angels fly! We must break down the gates of life to test the bolts and the padlocks! Let us go! Here is they very first sunrise on earth! Nothing equals the splendor of its red sword which strikes for the first time in our millennial darkness.”

***

Ok, so I stole that from the Futurist Manifesto of 1909. I’m here to explain why the Crasstalk you once knew has shapeshifted into the internet-vanquishing beast you see now.

First of all, many of you said the old design was just a bit too crazy and anarchic. We think the new look will make it much easier to find the posts that interest you. In addition to the neat little slide show at the top, all the newest stories will appear in the menu at the top left of the page and in traditional blog format below.

The new template also enables us to categorize posts by topic and the site’s 80-some authors can now write up little blurbs explaining who they are to the readers. Lastly, the site seems to work a lot better in Firefox, which was a common complaint we were hearing.

So we hope you enjoy the new look. The main idea of the site hasn’t changed. It’s still the home of the web’s most self-aggrandizing commenters. The only difference is that it now looks a little bit less like the insane wall-diagram of a paranoid-schizophrenic.

For Authors:

There are a few new features you need to understand.

– The slideshow at the top shows the four most recent posts that have been assigned to the “Featured Posts” category. DO NOT put your post into this category unless you have a picture to go up in the slideshow. To add an image here, you must upload an image to the site using the Media button, then paste the image’s URL under “Post Options.” If you try to post a link from some other site, it won’t work. It has to be hosted by the Crasstalk’s Media Library.

– The About The Author box is controlled by the About box on your User page in WordPress.

– Feel free to suggest new categories.

Because, really, what could go wrong with a simple redesign?

249 comments

It’s happening, folks. We finally noticed that our site is basically too chaotic for anyone who isn’t insane. So we’re rolling out a redesign tonight. Since we don’t have an entire team of Hungarian programmers working for us, we’re doing this on the fly.

What this means for you:

For the next day or so, it’s very likely that the site will either look really odd or certain features will look good, but not work properly. You SHOULD still be able to read posts and add new comments…. but other than that, it will take a bit of time before everything is completely set up.

PLEASE DON’T INUNDATE THE COMMENTS WITH COMPLAINTS YET. Try to give it at least a week! GrandInquisitor, DogsOfWar and I are setting everything up and that’s going to take a bit of time. Also, if you’re an author, feel free to keep posting new articles for now. You may notice some differences in the Add New Post interface. Just roll with it for now. We’ll explain everything to you soon.

Stay tuned because a lot of great new stuff will be added to the site in the coming weeks. Believe me, big things are happening.

Joel

Know Your Music: DC Go-Go

8 comments

Today we’re talking DC go-go. That’s go-go, a type of funk music from Washington, D.C. No, it has nothing really to do with go-go dancers. It’s a type of funk that has a distinctive syncopated rhythm due to the use of congas, bongos, timbales and cow bells. There’s also a lot of call and response vocals that get the crowd involved. This is a very live concert-oriented genre of music. It started off as as sort of funky, disco-y style and has evolved into D.C.’s local hardcore alternative to rap.

From what I hear, people get buck wild at go-go shows. I don’t claim to be a go-go music but I did go to the University of Murrrland and lived in PG County (what what) for a while. So enough of me trying to describe it all here. Enjoy the choons:


“Bustin’ Loose” by Chuck Brown
Chuck Brown is the godfather of the go-go and “Bustin’ Loose” is probably its seminal hit. This song is such a guaranteed dance floor jam. If you wear that jacket, people will LISTEN TO YOU. Also, last I heard Chuck B. still plays a lot of concerts so if you live in D.C., you should go see him.


“Drop the Bomb” by Trouble Funk
Trouble Funk is go-go’s first brief flirtation with mainstream pop success.


“Pump Me Up” by Trouble Funk
This tune has been sampled a bunch of times.


“Da Butt” by Experience Unlimited
This song was a pretty big hit in the 80s. This is the pinnacle of pop-friendly go-go music.


“Sardines” by Junkyard Band
Sardines used to be considered poor people food, but now you can just claim that you’re into sustainable aquaculture.


“20 Minute Workout” by DJ Kool
DJ Kool is also the guy that made “Let Me Clear My Throat” back in like 96, but I think this track is way more go-go-y.


“Overnight Scenario” by Rare Essence
OK. Now we’re listening to the new school down-and-dirty go-go music that gets played on the radio in D.C. Everything good happens at 3 in the morning at the pancake house. Also, go-go began absolutely terrifying white people sometime around the late 80s and to this day has a reputation for people getting shot up at shows.


“Thug Passion” by Backyard Band
BYB was really popular back in the late 90s when I lived there. I remember all the cooks at the restaurant I worked at (Phillips, holla) playing this stuff.


“Welcome to D.C.” by Mambo Sauce
Here’s a more pop-oriented go-go track from about three years ago.