Donald Trump will be unstoppable; OJ Simpson has never heard of such a thing as a knife; ABC wants to be your “Baby”; Bennifer will never die; Balls, that is all; the worst earworm of all time to get bigger and louder; THIS IS SPART…ER…AMERICA! Ghostbroadsters, right?
Showing what we all know to be true, Sunday’s Democratic debate seemed like the scolding parent viewing from the sidelines the unwieldy chaos of the McDonald’s Fun Slide of a Shittorium that was the GOP debate. While it appears that Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders would probably avoid each other at all costs during a very boring cocktail party, they were able to dive deep into gun control, trade policy and the environment. Conversely, Thursday night’s GOP debate, which was broadcast live from a Gymboree toddler play place in a Toledo strip mall, featured three participants who alternated yelling things like, “Lying Ted!”, “Shut up, Little Marco!”, and “See my penis!” All to the drumbeat of a slavering, slavishly loyal crowd of onlookers who would excitedly throw boiled peanuts and graham crackers onstage to appease the genetically enhanced flapping Ego-Ids of the large man children who were wheeled out and settled into humungous high chairs so that at any given moment in between trading insults and snatching Ronald Reagan action figures out of each other’s hands, they could launch tall tales of epic silly at a viewing American public. This spectacle of towering insanity would go on for half a millennia, each combatant practically falling over exhausted from throwing stewed prunes and bibs full of Farina at the smirking face of Donald Trump. To FoxNews’ ecclesiastic delight, this bullshit became the highest-rated debate of 2016 and the fourth-highest-rated primary debate on record. [CNN Money]
The People v OJ Simpson creator Ryan murphy was sent back twice to California by Cyberdyne Systems from the year 2342 to make sure the world found out the real history behind Donald Trump’s vice president, OJ Simpson, who he broke out of jail after his 425th term in office as POTUS, a feat he managed after freezing his head and hair webbing in cryostasis. Murphy returned once to recreate the events that tarnished OJ Simpson forever in the eyes of America with hopes that it would sway voters not to get on board with the Trump/Simpson ticket of 2338. To solidify his approach he went back in time again a few weeks later to make sure a bloody knife was found in OJ’s former backyard to be timed specifically on the heels of the television series in order to maximize impact. [THR]
In the wee hours of a Thursday morning the ABC network was up late and Dirty Dancing was on a pay cable network — as it always is whenever ABC lazily watches cable television with equal parts loathing and arousal. That said, it must have been Swayze’s circular hip motion that put ABC into a spellbinding trance, because when the network awoke it could still smell coconut oil and Beef Wellington as the ear bleeding strains of “Hula Hana” played in the distance. Hark! What’s that?! An idea, you say? Well, why ever the shit not?! Let’s remake that little song and dance ditty of a movie and force-punch it onto the small screen like some sort of capsized boat thriller were everyone is surely doomed! Yes, that’s the ticket. Whole legions of Triscuit-eating Americans will watch this thing in veritable hoards. We’ll be the talk of the town, dont’cha know? Everyone will be clamoring to be the absolute first to log onto Twitter and fire laugh-bombs at this suicide mountain of eye-screams while it plays on our network like a car careening on Dead man’s curve and into a Godzilla jaw. And to make this winning vehicle really lift off we’re going to cast Nicole Scherzinger, a lost mop of hair and a butterfly tattoo that warbles the words “don’tcha, don’tcha, don’tcha like a girl like me” like an incantation from a magic act in a Peoria tourist lounge and interstate rest stop. She’ll play Penny, harbinger of the abortion storyline that will make Ann Coulter unhinge her mandible and spew evil ants across her keyboard while typing things @ABC with the force of a monsoon. [THR]
Speaking of tattoos. Did you know Ben Affleck, nanny-flirter and unfortunate upcoming Batman, has a very large, very colorful, very hilarious back tattoo of a phoenix? That’s right. We imagine while in a dream wherein he claimed an acting Oscar, the winged creature came to him to offer a bit of career/life advice in the form of saying explicitly, “Stop trying to cheat casinos, cheat on your wife, and cheat audiences out of worthy superheroes. Also, the nanny will tell. Always, always. Lastly, please know your brother is the better actor even though you could massacre him with one smash of the Thor hammer you call a jaw. You are Cro-Magnon. That is all. Here’s poop in your eye and a feather so you’ll know I’m real when you wake up.” Because this is advice you just can’t ignore, well, unless you’re Matt Damon who will forever taunt his better movie roles in front of Affleck like a Christopher Walken soliloquy in the middle of a rainstorm. After awaking and finding the feather, and a small bit of poop in his immaculate gelatin hair mold, Affleck had to immediately imprint himself with the unlikely visage of this Phoenix guardian angel. He will currently ignore the errant tree-nymph in a spandex bodysuit that calls herself Jennifer Lopez when she mocks with Andy Cohen, a Mxyztplk conjurer of gossip and martinis, the miraculous wonder that is his lucky bird. At night it climbs down off Affleck’s back and hovers over the bed she shares with that Peter Pan figure she owns named after a friendly ghost. [Vulture]
Many will be curious about our legacy. What will we leave behind that will show future societies, and possibly newly formed inhabitants across the universe, what we humans in the 20th and 21st century brought to the evolutionary table? Unequivocally, it will be videos of children hitting their fathers in the balls. Perhaps it will achieve a national holiday. Maybe there will even be a sort of salute hundreds of years from now to honor this tradition. Yes, we can see it. At a designated day once per year children and fathers will flock into the streets and commence in “Foot Balls Day.” Each child will get a running start and then launch their foot right into the soul of their father’s balls with such force he will leave the ground, the pain exploding all around him like a star shower of purpose. Yes, this is a day truly for the Gods among us. Humanity is the greatest gift. We can predict these events with clarity since it is known today that America’s Funniest Home Videos has been renewed for season 27 which is really only the start to its 9,458 episode run. For more renewals and cancellations, check out [THR].
The most frightening thing to come out of Walt Disney World in years is news that they are making some sort of live action It’s a Small World movie. Er, will this be a horror movie? If it’s not a horror movie, why else wouldn’t you leave the animatronics from a demon dimension to rot inside that hollowed hall they call the It’s a Small World world? What good can come of these little amusement park gremlins running around the minds of moviegoers in real time? This sounds like a pox. A pox of sight and sound. There’s someone terrible behind this. [Deadline]
In an interview with Zack Snyder (Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice) Bloomberg Business says, “Meanwhile, Snyder is spending late nights in his cavernous office working on the upcoming Justice League movie. He’s also thinking about making films that aren’t comic book adaptations. Sort of. One of these days, he’d like to make one about George Washington in the style of 300. He has a picture in his office of the Revolutionary War hero crossing the icy Delaware on his way to decimate the British in the Battle of Trenton. “We were talking about it,” Snyder says. “The first thing we asked was, well, how are we going to make it look? I pointed at this painting. It looks like 300. It’s not that hard.” Oh, really, Zack? Let’s think of names shall we? We’ll start with, Muskets and Molars: A Revolution Live! or Pride and Prejudice: British Hunter. YOUR TURN! [Bloomberg]
The new Ghostbusters trailer debuted, and the new Ghostbusters trailer left a lot to be desired. What we’re hoping for is a clever take on the original movie, something that gives us twinges of the source material but kicks it up a notch so that it can stand on its own. So far what we’re seeing is “Ghostbusters Lite BUT with girls! See girls! Like ladeezzzzz with tongues and lady faces!” We get it. Bill Murray and the guys are hard shoes to fill. So why try? You don’t have to settle for making the little sister comedy to their big brother, high school star film. We seriously hope this is not what they’ve done. We’re going to be optimistic for the second trailer release. [YouTube]
The figment of some movie exec’s imagination has taken corporeal form and is walking around dressed in blackface and calling itself Nina Simone. The proof of its existence has found its way into a movie trailer where someone who looks nothing like Nina Simone has been seen wandering around spouting things reportedly the late songstress would say to the epic confusion of everyone watching, especially since there are at least seven other actresses that could have had audiences cheering. While this is happening we expect the actual Nina Simone is somewhere riding a lightening bolt from the beyond and most likely straight into the heart and pockets of Ealing Studios Enterprises. Not linking to the trailer, but here’s one to a few thoughts on the subject of What Trumps “Colorism” in Biopics. [Crasstalk]
Castings in Short
Will Smith and Joel Edgerton have been cast in Bright where they will enter the land of the Fey and one or the other will become an Orc in this cop drama. Yes, you heard correctly. It’s a cop drama that features bad guy orcs. We’re guessing like with other societies, the Fey are lousy with criminals or Orcpublicans maybe? [Vulture]
The absolutely stellar, and recently overlooked by Oscar, Idris Elba lands the part of The Gunslinger in Stephen King’s The Dark Tower film adaptation. He will play alongside Matthew McConaughey as the mystical foe known as the man in black. This is exciting and nuanced casting. This is the kind of casting that Hollywood needs and audiences have come to appreciate. Those who are still sitting at home angry that a black man will play another titular character…we are so very, very tired of all of you. [EW]
Ron Perlman really wants a Hellboy 3 and thinks what Guillermo del Toro has in mind would be badass, but really, all the red tape surrounding getting one made sounds exhausting. So, we wouldn’t get our hopes up, but in this interview, Perlman says to Donald Trump and his security who likes to throw people out of his rallies, “Bring it, bring you and that bald f— who throws people out!” That’s pretty awesome. [THR]
Bruce Willis has decided that he was doing hostage movies long before Liam Neeson ever growled words on a screen. For that reason, and because there is just no more to be milked from the Die Hard franchise, unless he’d like to make Die Hard at Denny’s: Grand Slam Terrorists, he’s shifting focus. Now he will remake the Charles Bronson movie, Death Wish, which sounds like Die Hard but with 40% more birthday candles. [Rotten Tomatoes]
Image by DonkeyHotey.
