I Am Not Your Lawyer

I knew it was going to happen.

The minute a lawyer passes the bar exam, she becomes, in the eyes of her family members, a veritable Walking Encyclopedia of The Law, ready and willing to answer all legal questions and come forth with Legal Knowledge™ at the drop of the hat.

“CAN THEY DO THAT?!” is my favorite question. Well, they certainly can because they just did. “IS THAT LEGAL?!” is a follow up question. I don’t know, go pay a lawyer to find out.

Here are some bizarre situations I’ve found myself in my short legal career:

1. No I Don’t Know Why the Chinese Place on Main Street Lost Their Liquor License: I can google that sh*t for you and you can read it for yourself. Also, I don’t know jack about liquor licenses, so you can give me all of your speculative reasons and I’m just going to nod along.

2. No I Don’t Know What You Should Do “Legally” About Your Botched Boob Job: Dude, you paid for two boobs, you only have one. Seems like the doctor owes you one, but that’s just me.

3. No I Don’t Have a Legal Justification For Why a 16 Year Old Can Be Tried as an Adult but Can’t Legally Consent to Sex: This one was a good one. According to my friend, he had “heard” (sigh) that this was appearing on bar exams. He was then extremely disappointed that I didn’t have an answer for him besides “Yeah that’s f*cked up.”

Other assorted questions include “Should I use the long or short form on my taxes?” (Answer: I have literally no clue), “Can do you do a promissory note for me?” (Answer: If you pay me.) and “Can you handle my closing?” (Yes, duh. I have no choice because you’re my only sibling.)

I’m sure this is applicable to other professions. Do you find yourself bombarded by random questions just because you’re in a particular profession?


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