Previously, on RuPaul’s Drag Race, I wondered if there was a point to this show.
After Kelly Mantle leaves the workroom, the other queens show up and find the workroom decked out for a party, with confetti, champagne, and cupcakes. In the middle of this, RuPaul opens the door, giving her best No Wire Hangers look, to yell at the contestants that it’s time to shut up because we have company coming. And who could that be?
Well, it’s our next set of contestants! Hopefully without the Valium. First up is Bianca Del Rio. She’s an insult comic queen and refers to herself as Don Rickles, only with better teeth. Some of you might have to Google that (though, my guess is none of the Crassies). It’s ok. We’ll wait here, Adore. Next up is Trinity K Bonet. She talks a lot about Beyoncé and I’m having flashbacks to Tyra. There is a hilariously uncomfortable silence. They’re joined by Joslyn Fox, and I had to look that up, since I heard about three different names there. Bianca sees a lot of accessories and guesses that she just fell into the sales bin at Claire’s and went up to the register and said, “I’ll take it!” Oh, Bianca, you’ve made this show ten times better already. She’s followed by Milk, who is freakishly tall. Next, Magnolia Crawford, who has an unfortunate sense of taste and an unfortunate sense of nose contouring. Bianca things she looks like a swordfish and others think she looks like Peg Bundy. Courtney Act comes in, and we get a fan moment, since Courtney does have her own claims to fame. Some of us know her from the Stylish and some of us know her from Australian Idol. She’s internet famous, if you know what I mean. She also sings live, which baffles the other dolls, which, really? Where have you been? Our resident Big Girl rounds out the cast, as well as being the fan pic. She’s pretty witty, and I, for one, look forward to her and Bianca’s future show together.
You’ve Got Shemail! Ru regales us with lots of party themed phrases. I wonder what the challenge is going to be. Tiffany looks confused.
The photo shoot ends up being a slumber party theme. Bianca starts us off, and feels out of her comfort level being sexy. Which, I have no clue why, since she’s sexy as Bianca, and sexy out of drag, too (no really. Call me…). Ru tells Mike Ruiz that it’s time to “amp it up” and at first, I’m thinking Christian Slater, but that’s “Pump Up the Volume.” The pit crew brings out pillows for a pillow fight, which, again, catches Bianca a little off guard, or it could be the feathers. Trinity is giving face, but I think we all expected that. Joslyn goes for the Raquel Welch look, though I doubt she knows who that is. Courtney does very sexy, including an incredible hair flip (Slowed down by the producers), followed by an unsexy chicken dance. Magnolia is boring. Milk is focused and tall. Darienne dives right into the pit crew, which would totally be my fantasy if they didn’t wax. Sure, they’re hot, but once you add some lube, it looks like they’d just slide out of your hands.
Backstage, the dolls dedrag in front of each other. Everyone is surprised that Bianca looks like a real guy. Courtney is shocked to find out that Milk is rather attractive as a man. And tall (No, really, Milk. You should call me…). The winner of the photo shoot is Trinity, something of a shocker, who gets to assign the big party boxes brought in by the pit crew. The first challenge is to design an outfit that represents the party inside the box that each contestant is given. Trinity takes the princess party, no surprise, and gives the St. Patrick’s Day party to Darienne. Fox is the quinceanera, Magnolia is the ‘ho down, Courtney is the Republican Party, Bianca is the luau, and Milk gets the toga party. Fox spends the entire time giggling and Magnolia spends the entire time eyeing everything with disdain.
Ru starts her tour of the workroom with Darienne, who opens up with a long winded Leprechaun giggle, but doesn’t know what she’s going to do for the dress. I’ll have what she’s having. Trinity informs us that the K in her name is for Kardashian. I’m just going to leave that there. RuPaul and Courtney Act explain the meaning of her name, which, when said in an Australian accent, sounds like the phrase, “caught in the act.” I’m going to need to find a hunky Australian to test this out. Repeatedly (no, really, Courtney… Call me.). Bianca gives us a hilarious “Call Me Jiggly” and I want to give her the crown then and there. She mentions her Rolodex of Hate, which she utilizes for her shows, as to why she’s so gosh-darned funny. Magnolia doesn’t know what to do, and the helpless asshole routine is wearing thin. Joslyn has narrowed down her fabrics, by which she means she’s managed to catch ALL of Rainbow Brite’s Color Kids and steal their clothing for her dress. She doesn’t want it to be too loud, by which she means she wants it to be deafening, but not audible from orbit. Milk is wearing hot pants and wants to camp it up in a Xanadu jumpsuit. The guest judge will be Khloe Kardashian (really?) and Trinity plotzes.
Milk and Bianca chat while finishing up their looks. Milk is considering doing facial hair, and Bianca hopes that Milk is all packed up to go home, since that worked so well for Alaska. Joslyn hopes that she is the black horse of the contest, until one of the judges informs her that the term is dark horse. It’s ok. Katy Perry doesn’t know what that is, either.
On the main stage, Trinity opens it up with a Queen Amidala silver thing, complete with a satellite dish with condoms glued to it. Bianca is going for Miss Tiki Bar 1963 or the spring carnival queen in Farewell to Manzanar (oddly enough, spell check knows Amidala, but not tiki. Go fig). Darienne is in a boring green top and poorly fitting black skirt. Magnolia is wearing an ugly cow print tube dress and some really messy hair. Oh, and she’s got a giant bow on her butt. Joslyn’s outfit makes my eyes hurt. Courtney pops out a box and floats down the runway in a bikini with some flowing fabric before almost tripping. Milk comes out in a white thing, with a lily pad hat, and her beard. Santino’s face falls.
The judges ask TKB to take off her radar and immediately like the outfit a lot more. They love Bianca’s dress and personality, but don’t like her paint by numbers eye make-up. They do like Darienne’s face make up, but not her dress, which seems to have come from the fancy section at Dress Barn, and highlights problem areas. They don’t get Magnolia’s nose contouring, which she doesn’t bother to explain, and spends most of her time arguing and being pointed. Like her nose. Joslyn is over the top and could have dialed it back a little. Courtney Act is giving us Cheryl Tiegs, but she tripped a little, and they expect more, instead of Carmen Carrera with a different accent. They LOVE Milk’s outfit, but hate his beard. I can say that about a number of celebrities out there.
In the end, Bianca wins. Magnolia and Darienne must LFTL to “Turn the Beat Around.” From the get-go, Magnolia isn’t into it, and doesn’t remember the words, and Darienne dances circles around her, and stays. Farwell, Magnolia, we hardly knew ye, nor do we care to.
Next week, the two factions meet! There will be side eye, and nail filing, and . . . actually, the guest judges are going to be Lena Headey and Linda Blair. That sound you just heard was the collective gay gasp and nerdgasm of ALL of my friends. Tune in next week!!
