OK, so, full disclosure, I’m a serial Long Distance Dater. I’m in my fourth long distance relationship at the ripe age of 25. It’s not that I seek out women who move away, it just seems that we fall for each other, and then life’s circumstances make it impossible to stay together when you’re both trying to start out your lives.
Whether it’s a job, a degree, being nevermets, or just a need for adventure while young, plenty of couples will attempt to create or keep a bond even across thousands of miles. I’ve had long distance relationships in the same state (90 miles away) fall to the same traps as my current one halfway across the world (9200 miles away). There are a few things that I’ve learned you really need to be aware of when talking about going for distance, and a couple more to keep in the back of your mind while you’re trying to have a successful relationship with someone you can’t just drive over and see.
Ensure there is a timeline on visits.
Life happens, and there’s not much you can do about it, but you both need to be upfront about what you can and cannot handle as far as seeing each other. Some couples get together every weekend, some see each other every few months, some only get together once a year. Whatever your situation is, it’s important to communicate it, and make sure that you both know the plan going forward. If life gets in the way, and forces you to cancel or push back a visit, talk about it. Figure out why. If there’s one thing a long distance relationship forces you to do, it’s communicate.
Be honest in your communications.
It’s a strain not to see each other. Sometimes being able to fall asleep in someone’s arms is the nicest thing in the world. You don’t get this on a regular basis anymore. Talk about how you’re feeling, even if it is uncomfortable or makes your partner sad too. A trouble shared is a trouble halved. Tears, anxiety, and light misery are somewhat common when you have to deal with frustrating circumstances. It becomes very easy to start internalizing problems, and blaming them on the distance. That’s almost never the root cause, and it’s important to understand and communicate how you’re feeling so as to address what is at the root. Whether it’s because your rent is late, or she fell asleep too early, it doesn’t really matter. It’s not the fault of being apart that’s making you frustrated, it’s because a long distance relationship requires one to make more sacrifices than a “normal” one. If you have something good happen, share it! Talk about what happened to make you happy. If you tried a new beer, and met a new friend, talk about it! Be happy for your partner and yourself that you guys have the trust and communication skills to stay emotionally available for the good and the bad.
Realize there are no quick solutions
When you’re living apart, both of you have extremely different lives. If you’re in school and the other one is trying to hold down a job, you’re both going to be living on different schedules. Even if you come home at the same time and get on Skype at the same time every day, when you’re having troubles it takes days and weeks to change your communication styles or address something if there’s an issue in your relationship. If the issue is external, there’s no way to cook the other one dinner and let them forget. There are no band-aid fuck sessions to get over a bad corporate review. If you’re planning on trying to close the distance, that involves job searches, housing planning, moving planning and a whole host of stresses that are difficult to take on even when the partner is close. Validate your partner’s feelings, make sure that they know you care and that it will get better. Thankfully, we’re not all crazy at the same time.
Replacement strategies
Friends, families, and everyone else will try to tell you to pick up a hobby! Do something else! Take your mind off of it! This is healthy advice, and it’s coming from a good place, but it’s very easy to take this too far when you’re apart. When you can’t talk to your SO, because they’re working the morning shift, and you’re sitting at home feeling tired of that hole in your heart, you decide it’s time to start a project. Maybe you want to build a table. Maybe you’ve been trying to get into sewing. These are good hobbies, and fun things to do. The problem is when it gets taken too far, and you become emotionally unavailable by throwing yourself into a project. It’s the most common reason for a relationship failure, you replace your SO with something (a hobby, extra work, another friendship), and that creates resentment. You both start missing Skype dates because you’re busy doing something that isn’t THAT important to either one of you. The resentment causes fighting, and throws you more into your projects. Eventually, video chats become something you dread, because neither one of you are sharing any successes or happiness. That type of downward spiral causes all relationships, short or long distance to fall apart.
If you’re not 100% committed to a future together, don’t keep it going
If you’re not committed, or you feel like you’re putting in way more effort than the other party, make that known. I understand not wanting to break up with someone because you love them, but you have to realize that if you’re in a long distance relationship, the other party is sacrificing opportunities (in jobs, relationships, friends) every day because of thoughts towards a future that may or may not exist.
Every time I’ve had a long distance relationship end, I’ve sworn that they’re not worth it. In reality though, it’s like someone who swears they will never drink again because of a bad hangover. Just because there’s a sour taste in your mouth right now, doesn’t mean it’s time to give up on future possibilities. In a good relationship, you don’t feel worthless or alone, the feeling of mutual respect and love is what makes it all worth it in the end.
Also, when you first see each other after months apart, the sex is fucking awesome.
