“What’s wrong with the wives?” is a question I would happily go the rest of my life never hearing again from anyone’s mouth (or fingers) when yet another husband, prominent or not, is caught having an affair.
“Why is she staying with him?”
“Why is she supporting him in public?”
“She is such an amazing woman, but doesn’t she have any pride?”
When you ask these questions you’re doing three pretty terrible things.
1. You are concern trolling. You don’t actually care about the answers to the questions you’re asking, you’re just using them as a way to say that you are different than that woman. You are better/stronger/more decisive. It’s a total jerk move.
2. You’re making the wife, the non-philanderous spouse, responsible for the infidelity in a way that may sound okay, but really, really isn’t. You think it sounds like an okay question because you don’t mean, “What’s wrong with the wives that made the husband cheat?” But the crux of your question still puts part of the onus for the infidelity on the maligned spouse. Husbands will still cheat if wives always left. By staying with her husband the wife isn’t betraying some unspoken code of sisterhood that encourages men to cheat. People, men and women, cheat for a million reasons that have nothing to do with the fact that some spouses will forgive and attempt to heal their relationship if the infidelity is discovered. Labeling the reaction as the cause is just piss poor reasoning.
3. You are spouting some paternalistic crap. Most women, especially brilliant and accomplished women, don’t stay with their husbands because of some stupid edict in some stupid country song. They stay with their husbands because they probably love them and often working through problems is about 1000x less complicated and heartbreaking than ending the relationship. They may support their husbands in public for similar reasons. Women with expansive social and professional circles may participate in the public apologies for reasons that have NOTHING to do with their spouse. Have you ever had to walk into a crowded ballroom and had the room immediately switch from full voice chatting and laughs to whispers (usually versions of the questions listed above)? If you have, then you know you would do almost anything to nip that in the bud and move the story along. It is the height of paternalistic rudeness to say “Sorry, betrayed wife.”
We as a country want to deny you a public opportunity to stare down people who will socially and professionally penalize you for something you did not do because even though we TOTALLY don’t think YOU did anything wrong we’re still embarrassed for you and can’t bear to look at your face.” STFU up with that bullshit. If the wife wants to stand by her relationship and say in PR speak, “This fucking sucks, but I’m going to figure it out and I’m still a badass and will, maybe not right now, but definitely in the future, fucking cut anyone who steps to me during this shitty time.” then more fucking power to her. If you think that’s easier than lighting her husband’s shit on fire, moving out, and filing for divorce, then I want whatever drug you’re selling your asshole for at highway exits.
It boggles my mind that still, in 2013, people, especially self-proclaimed feminists, think that it’s somehow okay to demean or infantilize women who are making difficult choices about their relationships. No one is forcing you to look at the “sad” or “stricken” eyes of a betrayed spouse, so don’t use that as an excuse to stand back in your straw world and discuss how rough it is for you to watch someone work through one of the most difficult moments in their life. It’s embarrassing to watch.
Image: Wikimedia Commons Katherine of Aragon
