I watch a lot of House Hunters, that HGTV show where folks tour three perspective homes before choosing one. Or something like that. To justify the hundreds of hours I’ve spent voyeuristically touring homes, let me share a piece of what I’ve learned.
Granite counter tops are klassy.
The easiest way to prove that you’re a high flying, in-touch person of the world is to ask, no demand, granite and stainless steel. A kitchen isn’t a kitchen without those two upgrades. Those shiny things show the kitchen was updated in the past five years. Fark if the kitchen has a nice work triangle, well-built cabinets, a deep sink, or enough outlets as long as it has the glossiness it’s worth the twenty-five grand added to base price by the developer. Please, Lord let steel become to the aughts what brass was to the 90s, so we can watch couples in 2020 diss what was once ultra cool and waste their money to gut a perfectly fine space.
Woman be like this, men be like that.
Women want a walk-in for their (terrible) shoes, men want a cave to J/O knifefight in peace. Those even passingly familiar with House Hunters know the lame ass joke, where the camera pans into a department store sized closet, the wife deadpans “but honey, where will your clothes go”. *vomit*
Nothing says “relax” like a $500,000 second home.
Marketing executives, soccer moms, construction mavens, and kiddies with no discernible employment are overwhelmed. Their lives are “hectic”, as such, it is impossible to find quiet amid the Outlook pages, so many of them have taken to House Hunters International, the franchise’s escapist sister, in search of a Moroccan condo to restore the balance and family time they’re lacking. I understand that vacations recalibrate but vacation homes confuse my peasant mind.
If working seventy-five hours a week in a white-collar prison is killing your soul, why in hell’s name voluntary take additional bills that further cuff you to the job? Is paying the mortgage and related expenses on one home not enough? It seems better to save the money you would use for the second home—and the expense of traveling there—to build a nest egg in hope of leaving that miserable bumsack of a job. In the meantime, take regular vacays to varied corners of the globe or rent a house in your favorite spot three times a year from that other mid-level executive who thought Key West cures all.
Everyone thinks painting is hard.
Don’t waste our time complaining about a wall color. No puke green, street light red, and Easter egg aren’t cute colors but it takes two hours to make them bygones. “Deal beaker” they are not.
Toronto is expensive.
If you’ve seen rundown one three-quarter of a million dollars semi-detached disaster, you’ve seen them all. Very often one bathroom is standard. A home isn’t a home unless it has two bathrooms—that’s my only hard rule. Half my childhood was spent in a one-bathroom home, my bladder has died a million deaths.
People entertain.
Telling yourself that you need two guestrooms, a kitchen large enough for a rugby match, formal living area, and ½ acre lot because your house is teeming with family and friends must be a convenient lie. A healthy ego requires 2,500 square feet to breathe, let the truth out.
One person will totally grow into a four-bedroom house.
The saddest House Hunters episodes by and large involve an unattached person looking for a large suburban home “to grow into.” I think the dude hopes the closing documents include a wife, twins, Doberman, and ginger cat to fill the 2,200 square feet he can’t possibly need on his own. In the purest sense, the home purchase is a signal from a man ready to transition from partying to kid’s soccer game. It’s a noble idea and makes sense on its face because once your career is mostly in place and Bar Barbies becoming boring, getting a home away from city sin seems practical. But how you gonna meet available women when your neighbors are trees? Hearing loneliness echo across the extra 1,000 square must be the worst sounds of Forever Alone.
Merida, Mexico is where it is at.
Concrete dwellings with a few centuries of wear are all the rage amongst wealthy American expats. House Hunters International has visit Merida more than any other town, according to my scientific research (binge viewing). Mexican real estate are supposedly weary of banks, so cash is the preferred method of purchasing a home.
Being a real-estate agent is hard.
How many times can one person remind folks that yes it is unreasonable to want a 3 bed, 2 bath, upgraded home in that precious historic suburb with the awesome school district on your middling salary. Raise your budget $50,000, then maybe.
To sum it up, all housing problems can be solved with more dough and less originality.
