EthologyNerd is brave. Really brave. Since she began commenting here, EN has entertained Crasstalk’s readers with tales of sex-capades gone awry, demonstrated a razor-sharp wit, and alerted the world to a concoction called “butt sauce.” She’s probably best known for her incredible candor. EthologyNerd has had the ladyballs to share her deeply personal stories with writing that is incontrovertibly graceful, eloquent, and funny as hell. She’s a swell chick.
1. You spot a hot guy at a bar checking you out. Do you approach him? How would EN strike up conversation?
It depends on how drunk I am! But really, if he’s clearly checking me out, I’ll go up and sit down next to him and say something like, “You should have a drink with me.” I’m bossy. Only if he’s not in a group, though, that’s too intimidating for me. But it just depends on the situation– I can talk to anyone about pretty much anything. If I can, I’ll eavesdrop on the conversation and just barge in. “Oh, you like gefilte fish, huh? You are a bad person.” I’m a big fan of negging. But it works a lot for me, people think I’m sassy. Or so I hear.
[Ed.: Negging: Just another thing EN has in common with Tucker Max. Just kidding. She’s hot, so she call pull it off as flirtatious.]
2. Do you think that your real life persona differs from your Crasstalk persona?
In some ways, totally, and in some ways not at all. As far as how I talk and what I think, what you see on Crasstalk is exactly what you get in person. But my life is not nearly as wild and crazy as it looks on CT; much less wild sex and drinking. I think everyone thinks I’m just barely on the good side of out of control; in reality, my life is mundane. I don’t go out much, I rarely date, and I almost never drink.
BUT WHEN I DO… getcha popcorn ready.
3. What’s in your purse right now?
A job application for an upscale dog boutique, my wallet, my iPhone (which was a gift from alyssonwonderland), a random ball of aluminum foil, an empty pack of cigarettes… a pink Moleskine notebook, a pen, Jurlique Love Balm (not what it sounds like!), mittens, ear buds, and baby wipes. Because you never know when you’re going to have to clean up fast.
4. What was your first concert? Extra points if it’s something mortifying.
Mine was cool, if a bit late at age thirteen. My first concert was Boys for Pele-era Tori Amos. But I did go alone– all my friends were into punk rock. I still love Tori, and that show blew my mind; she’s an amazing performer.
5. You’ve mentioned your affection for Doberman Pinschers a few times. How did you develop a love for the breed?
As a young EthologyNerd, I had all these dog-care and dog-breed books, and I would make lists of my favorite dogs and draw them. That’s where the Doberman thing started. In addition, they were the pitbulls of the ’80’s: You know, bad dogs. I loved that. They’re intelligent, and graceful and regal, and I just admired them so much.
After Hurricane Katrina, I started working with Gulf Coast Doberman Rescue because so many of the homeless dogs were Dobes and Dobe mixes, and I really wanted to help them because they’re hard to responsibly home. Then I adopted one that was slated to be euthanized because he’d failed his behavior evaluation. That was it; I was done for. He was so wild and crazy and brilliant and uncontrollable yet so quick to learn and please– and he adored me. He was the quintessential bad boy with a heart of gold. Just proved my bias. I love everything about the breed, and always will.
6. If you were a candle, what would you smell like?
Some kind of non-fancy cotton candle. I’m the person who owns all the CLEAN perfumes– I like fresh smells.
7. What were you like as a teenager?
Extremely fuckin’ weird. At the time I was writing a lot of poetry, the Anne-Sexton-esque kind. It was good, I was getting published, but I was just a superhot mess. I read my writing in this really affected, tortured voice, and I was Goth until my junior year, when I became sweater-set-Preppy-Handbook preppy. I was really just trying to figure out who I was; as an adult I’m a bit of both. I never did have a shortage of boys who wanted to get in on the hot-mess thing, though. Basically I was Prozac Nation-era Elizabeth Wurtzel.
[Ed.: Goth Girl high-five! I don’t trust people who weren’t sulky teenagers.]
8. One of my favorite Crasstalk dynamics is the friendship between you and furiouslyred (otherwise known as FREDever AloEN). How did you two meet?
Well, I still consider my first meeting with fred one of the best internet dates I’ve ever had. She picked me up at Union Station and we went all over the North Side drinking and talking about first date stuff: Nixon, college, people we know (or internet-know). We ended up at a bar I still don’t know the name or location of, where the bartender was so impressed with the speed and relish with which I down dirty martinis that he ended up making us all kinds of free mystery drinks. I did hit her upside the head (she deserved it). And took off my shoes, but in my defense they were five-inch stripper stilettos and really hurt. But I was wearing white shorts and I wanted to impress her with my legs!
Earlier that day, I told her on the train that I was going to have to get a divorce. She was the first person I’d ever said that to– in real life, on the internet, whatever– and so she is inextricably linked in my head to my disastrous first marriage (I assume there will be more marriages in my future). Which is partially why I hate her so much. Because she got to hear my real fee-fees and still does. She makes me vulnerable!
We are much nicer to each other in real life than on Crasstalk, which I think would surprise people. But we’re like normal friends, sort of, except neither of us is normal.
9. What are you wearing right now?
Dark skinny jeans, a white tank top with a skinny green belt, a gray cable-knit dolman sleeve cardigan and Ugg Ansley slippers (don’t judge, they’re so comfortable and cute).
10. Do you have a dream career? If so, what is it?
In a perfect world, I would either work as a marine mammal trainer or as a behaviorist at an elephant sanctuary. The behavior of the bigger, more intelligent mammals enthralls me. That I guess includes people. I would love to be a sex therapist.
[Ed.: Typical EN. She gets to the juicy part and then stops.]
11. Every man and woman has at least a handful of truly embarrassing outfits in their past. For example: In 5th grade, I had a pair of powder blue velvet overalls that I wore with a shirt that had a sparkly moon on it. I thought I looked awesome. (I did not.) Describe one of your horrifying fashion moments.
Oh god, a flowy pirate blouse, purple leggings, and cowboy boots. I thought my ten-year-old ass was HOT. I also had a curly hair problem: How to wear it. My grade school pictures are basically a progression of What Not To Do With Curly Hair. The Chi changed my life, as it did all curly-haired girls of a Certain Age.
12. If you could only watch one film for the rest of your life, which film would you select?
If Kill Bill counts as one movie, then that. If not, only part two.
13. Tell us a secret.
I keep so few secrets from Crasstalk, obviously, this is hard! Um, I can’t tell my left from my right. I always have to make that “L” shape with my hands. Also, I give all my boyfriends steaks and blowjobs, like, constantly. They’re like, “Can we just makeout and have a salad tonight?” ‘NO. STEAKS AND BLOWJOBS, SON.”
14. What is your favorite book of all time?
The Dogs of Babel by Carolyn Parkhurst. It’s about the secret lives we live in our heads no matter how much we care about someone else, and about our relationships with our dogs. How could it not be? Also The Collected Stories of Amy Hempel.
15. If your romantic life was a Harlequin novel, what would the book’s title be?
Passion and Pegging. Not really. I don’t know, I’m not good at titles! We can leave that to the other Crassholes.
[Ed.: In light of her response to the candle question, the answer here is obviously “Cotton Sheets & Cock Rings.”]
