Liza Minnelli will maybe Fosse her way onto the small screen in NBC’s Smash; RDJ taps Jack Nicholson for father/son tale; ABC just threw something at the wall hoping you’ll care; Star Wars VII has us worried; Axel Foley to show some parenting skills.
Hey! Remember that show from last season, Smash? You know the one with Debra Messing wearing a menagerie of ill-fitting and ill-looking sashes, droopy waist pants, and various other body-coverings in color taupe? Well, we imagine fearing some sort of wannabe Broadway number set to the sound of a thousand toilets flushing, the network wants to breathe new life into its rocky start of a freshman show so they’ve hired some heavy artillery. Liza Minnelli will guest star this upcoming season. Sorta makes whatever it was they were doing with Uma Thurman look like a bowl of gruel next to a fine prime rib dinner, right? Ok. Fine. Maybe the prime rib has some amount of opiates involved. Anyway! Yay for Liza! And Yay for us and probably Beyoncé who we still think was so horrified by what clod-hopping Minnelli did to her “Single Ladies” song in that sarong-of-shit Sex and the City sequel, she swore never to sing the song again. But now Minnelli has a new gig on TV that comes with a new song and really, folks, it will be grand to see Liza doing her best B’way routine on the small screen. We have a feeling on set she’ll probably make everyone dress in black tights with diamonds covering their naughty bits and a top hat, but that’s just what you get when you hire Liza Minnelli to do anything. Yep, all you grips and first assistants be prepared to kick ball change! Now get Ms. Minnelli a TAB cola and a shot of B-12 wink, wink. [THR]
Old, crazy crackers grizzle bear, Jack Nicholson, will possibly star as Robert Downey Jr.’s father in a new movie developed by RDJ himself called The Judge. We have no godly idea which Nicholson we’ll potentially be seeing in this new offering. Will his naked butt cheeks make an appearance? Will he yell until spittle and the bones of small mice come flying out of his mouth? Will he talk really slow and deliberate so we can see the flashing mania in his eyes? We don’t know. It’s anybody’s guess. No matter what though, it’s nice to see Jack back in the acting saddle again. It’s not like the Lakers need him courtside at every game or anything, right? Downey is on board to star as a successful attorney who returns to his hometown for his mother’s funeral only to discover that his Alzheimer’s-stricken father is the murder suspect. Sounds like it could be really groovy and funny, or unbearably sad and poignant. RDJ is capable of both. Nicholson really just makes us want to hear him say, “Is that what you brought me here to discuss, phone bills and foot lockers?” That’s all we’ve got. So. [THR]
Because television has officially run out of any and all ideas that make any goddamn sense, ABC is thinking about developing a series about Big Thunder Mountain a Disney World roller coaster. Yes, it’s a ride. An amusement park ride. Let’s see all the great and wonderful things we can think of that would fill up an entire season about an amusement park ride. It’s haunted. It’s really fast. It’s unstoppable. It’s magic. It’s crazy. It’s evil. It’s delightful. It makes us vomit. The End. This stupid thing will be co-written by the guy who brought you the Fast & Furious sequel Fast Five. So there’s that little tidbit of lunacy. No one should watch this. Ever. [THR]
Sooo, um, well, that whole Star Wars thing that’s happening in a few years? Two prolific directors have already passed. Steven Spielberg basically said that all that space opera mixed with an otherworldly western thing just isn’t his bag. It’s his friend George Lucas’ bag. And we’re like, “No way! George Lucas brought the world Jar Jar Binks. Nothing should ever be his “bag” again!” So no Spielberg. That’s okay, though. Deep breath. We can handle that the guy who gave us that Indiana Jones Crystal Skulls nonsense doesn’t want to make some sort of steaming crap out of Star Wars. Fine. But now J.J. Abrams has also decided that Star Wars isn’t for him. Wow. Sure, yes, we know he’s doing the Star Trek movies, but sheesh, he could have at least led us on a bit, because you know, he already read the treatment for the new Star Wars movie. What if it sucks, guys? What if it truly sucks and that’s why these guys have said no? That would be bad. That would be awful. That could mean MICHAEL BAY! No, no, we won’t think about that. We can’t. That’s really just giving up. Oscar winner Brad Bird has also had a looksee at the treatment and there’s no word yet on what he thinks. But we’re a little underwhelmed. Yes, sure, The Incredibles was cute, and Ratatouille won him an Oscar, but yeah, it’s animation. Oh, Joss Whedon. Please tell us you’re somewhere on the short list too, eh? [EW]
So Axel Foley’s son has a job. It looks like the Beverly Hills Cop reboot for CBS is a thing that will happen starring comedian, Brandon T. Jackson, best known for his role in Tropic Thunder. Eddie Murphy has agreed to be in the pilot starring as Axel, and if the show goes to series could continue to reprise the part. Well, this is a good thing for Murphy we guess. We’ve long been worried about the 80’s superstar who hasn’t been able to make a good movie unless cast in it without knowing it. So maybe this will be just the thing to rejuvenate the stellar comic and give him a path to return to his former glory. Or maybe he’ll enjoy the small screen and have better success there. Either way, we’re rooting for him, and the young Mr. Jackson whom it seems Murphy hand-picked for the role of his son. We’re hoping it wasn’t based on whatever it was he did in that silly Martin Lawrence laugher where everyone wore a fat suit. But, sigh. This is Eddie we’re talking about so a fat suit is actually a credible footnote on a resume. [Deadline]
Here, watch this weird internet movie trailer starring Lindsay Lohan and a porn actor (James Deen. Eye roll.) It’s supposed to be some throwback 1950’s thing, but it’s ridiculous, and we spent the entire time watching to see if Lindsay’s lips could move or if the silicone has started to eat away at both her face and her brain. Anyway, WE CAN’T WAIT FOR LIZ & DICK LIFETIME MOVIE!
