Nic Cage is just making shit up now; Tyra Banks’ head has TV plans; Ryan Reynolds to get serious…again; OPRAH SQUEEEEEEEE; the USA network knows what we like; Peter Berg tells Mitt Romney to “Step Off”; Dane Cook needs a new job…always; and a new teaser trailer for NBC’s Mockingbird Lane! Oh, Eddie Izzard.
Hey! Were you wondering what Nicolas Cage’s mane of lustrous bathroom carpet follicles have been up to? Well, you know, acting. That’s right. Academy-award winning craptacular casting genius, Nic Cage will be in another movie. You guys were just so worried you’d never see him in tight black jeans and a leather jacket with his perpetual look of bewilderment weren’t you? Well, snap out of it! HA! That never gets old. And neither does the petrified furrowed brow of one Nicolas Kim Coppola. Soon he’ll star in something called Outcast with forgotten-person from a much-hated George Lucas franchise, Hayden Christensen. Remember him? Like remember his acting? It ranged from petulant to agog to petulant to sulking. Slow clap. Yeah, well, “Nic” and “Hay” will be “warriors” during 10th Century China because both are undeniably Chinese, and they’ll also have to save a princess, because this is also a Nintendo game from the early 1990’s. Sounds fantastic. Like one of the worst things ever made. [The Wrap]
Now that America’s Next Top Model is into its 39th season and the world can really just care less about these chicks, Tyra Banks has decided that there’s just not enough of her on the television. You know, doing that thing she does with her eyes, and her face, and her silly one-woman-goofball skits, and her model talk, and her shade-throwing, and whatever else Tyra must do in post-Oprah network television world. So to ABC she will go! She has developed a series called Fivehead. Yes, um. You read that right. She’s developing a television series about having five heads based on her teen years. Durr. No, not five actual heads because that would be silly. No, it’s about a teenage Tyra with a Cro-Magnon cranium, then? Sure. A coming of age tale about being awkward and then becoming a supermodel because that happens to so many young women out there! “In high school, if you have glasses, you’re a ‘four eyes’, if you have braces, you’re a ‘metal mouth’ but if you had my forehead? You’re a FIVEHEAD,” said Banks. This makes total and complete sense. Tyra, changing lives, always. [Deadline]
You know whose career we just don’t get? Ryan Reynolds. He seemed to be on to something with his little snarky rom-com persona. People liked him when he was alternating between quips and abs ripples. But then that all kind of went away during a string of horrible, super-duper insanely bad movies. There was green CGI and talks about more superhero CGI with blades and a sewn mouth. All of these things were bad, bad, bad. So at the end of it, Reynolds was kind of on the outs, with the exception of some buddy movie he did with a baffling Denzel Washington that seemed like a paycheck movie for one, and a too-amateur-to-be-paired-with-a-veteran role, for the other. Now, though, he’s looking to do one of those biopic prestige dramas called Battle for Bonneville about half-brothers who were rivals on the horse race track, with Jon Favreau to direct. So maybe Reynolds will be able to get his mojo back, or he will fall even further into the Hayden Christensen well of inexplicable movie stars who righteously suck. Or the Paul Walker, only good enough to do those fast car movies and nothing else, realm of Hollywood tolerance. Don’t smirk, Ryan. This is a real thing that can happen. And we don’t think you’ll be able to do Broadway. Take note. [Deadline]
Urgh. Do we want to talk about Oprah? Okay, fine. Quickly. She’s reviving her “Favorite Things” thing on her OWN network. Fabulous. Everyone gets a car and a trip to Australia and a whole bunch of taxes they’ll have to pay. Happy? Oprah. [Deadline]
No longer a newbie show, Suits, from the USA network known for their panicky little programs about people often stuck in some sort of peril, will be renewed for a third season. And that’s just fine with us. We happen to like the swanky little series about a lawyer guy who uses too much hair product post the late 1990’s, and his jittery little cohort who tags along quoting lines from 1980’s movies, because if you can’t do that on the USA network, you’re just not cool at all. Nobody puts Baby in a corner. See how apropos that was? [Deadline]
Friday Night Lights creator and executive producer Peter Berg, who will always be the guy who co-starred in horrible 90’s movie Shocker, has had enough of Mitt Romney using his show’s motto to make points about his campaign. He would like Romney to stop it since Berg says, “The only relevant comparison that I see between your campaign and Friday Night Lights is in the character of Buddy Garrity — who turned his back on American car manufacturers selling imported cars from Japan.” See, we like this Berg guy. That actually does make total sense. Get your own slogans and sayings, Mittens. How about, “America. I plan to run it into the ground and then sell it off in small pieces turning a huge profit after I lay off all its workers.” No? [Vulture]
Well, that’s a relief. NBC, the circus tent of horrible things, has decided not to air their planned Dane Cook sitcom, Last Caller. Yes, we know. How on earth was a Dane Cook sitcom ever green lit to begin with? We imagine he drove through the NBC studios headquarters and held everyone hostage, or threatened to sell them an idea about revitalizing a show about a talking car, or a comic book character with a cape, or a super hero with a truth-telling lasso, or something about a large sea monster, or something else about a woman with bionic parts. These things would make any television exec shudder. Dane’s show about a chauvinistic DJ was slated to run midseason, but coming to their senses and acknowledging the universal hate for Dane Cook, NBC decided to dodge a bullet. Haha. Well, no. You’d think now they’d air that languishing Community final season, but NO! There are plans to still go ahead with the Anne Heche “crazy person who talks to God” series Save Me, but at least Last Caller joins NBC’s planned Munsters reboot Mockingbird Lane as an axed series even though the latter will air as a Halloween Special which sounds ridiculous. So. [THR]
Here’s the teaser for Mocking Bird Lane, and all we have to say is, REALLY EDDIE IZZARD? Sigh.
Image: Cracked.com
