Officer Tommy Hanson wants you to open your mind for a thing like Inception; we found Zach Braff! He wasn’t lost in the dark dungeon of ABC Family; The Biebs to talk to The Oprah; Charlize to sell television a real battle axe; Hoo-hah! That is how you call Al Pacino, right?
Tim Burton creation and peerless gothic space creature, Johnny Depp, is in negotiations to star in a new movie called Transcendence, which so sounds like a Johnny Depp film. Can’t you just see him sitting there, hair mussed and greasy, forty-seven pounds of silver skull-themed jewelry on his fingers talking about “life as transcendence or some fucking thing like that, mate?” You can, right? Well, Depp, who we’ve always thought takes the money he earns doing the film talkies and creates large underwater sea-faring vessels he keeps in his basement, will earn $20 million for this movie by Wally Pfister, the Inception cinematographer’s directorial debut. Urgh. Inception. Really? Are we doing this again? Yup! Plot details have been closely guarded, but sources describe the film as in the vein of 2001: A Space Odyssey and Inception. Good God, no. THR says, “The story centers on a man who creates a computer that develops a malevolent awareness. Depp will play a husband who gets sucked into the computer.” So Johnny will still find a way to bug out his eyes and look alarmed while mysterious and cosmically unnatural things happen — not unlike most movies he’s made for the last two decades. Fantastic. We believe he keeps Tim Burton hidden inside his sock so he can pet him whenever the mood strikes. [THR]
Hey remember Zach Braff, he of Scrubs fame, where he walked around as some sort of dazed dude wearing uh, scrubs, while often talking to himself and being scolded daily by a more senior doctor to many larfs and larfs? Well, okay, he’ll be writing and directing a new single-camera comedy for ABC. The show will be called Garage Bar, because just naturally, why not a bar in a garage? Or maybe a garage in a bar? Dunno. Seems like it’ll be full of funny exchanges like that. “Oh ho, don’t forget to park your beer in my hatchback!” Things like this will happen. Anyway, it’s some kind of workplace thing written by Braff, who if you’ll remember from his 2008 feature Garden State, probably introduced us to hipsterism. He’s like a pioneer! An indie, slovenly, sad-sack pioneer of that genre, so this new thing will be fun and irreverent, and probably full of mustaches and straw hats, or whatever it is post-hipsters wear. Right-O? Right. [Deadline]
Justin Bieber, who we suppose is still some kind of Skittle-Starburst fruit chew of a heartthrob due to his wailing and body-electric moves, we suppose? Well, he’ll be sitting down with the sultan-of-sofa talks, Oprah Winfrey, to discuss his rise from zygote to superstar teen pimple. And won’t that be fun? We fully expect Bieber to floor us with his tales about overcoming obstacles and making life-altering decisions about bubble gum and tennis shoes — oh, wait! He had a paternity scare last year, didn’t he? Well, excuse us. Maybe he’ll also talk about pants rubbing with a girl and tingling sensations. Ew. So, yay Oprah, for getting the interview of the year maybe? We imagine that room will smell like Bugles corn chips and Mountain Dew pit stains when he’s done, but no matter, the ladies will still scream or hide their fallopian tubes. Again, ew. [Deadline]
Here’s something unexpected. The ABC network has bought a Viking drama from Charlize Theron, African-American actress, and apparent Viking lover. The Clan is “a sweeping drama set in the Highlands of medieval Scotland. Haha. Some unknowable force just said Highlander and Christopher Lambert appeared in the mirror. This is a thing that happens whenever Charlize Theron whispers anything about the Highlands of medieval Scotland. Naturally, everyone is talking about how this could be Game of Thrones for ABC. And we’re all like, “What?” Game of Thrones on the network John Stamos built? That sounds like some sort of blasphemy. What does Steve Urkel have to say about all the possible bloody, muddy, fighting with huge swords and kilts? [Vulture]
Well, here’s a prestige-y thing for you guys. Al Pacino, Jeremy Renner, and Julianne Moore will be starring in Imagine about an aging rock star (Pacino) who reconnects with his son (Renner) after going on some sort of classic burn-out tour. What is it with Hollywood’s fascination with aging rock stars? Sure, fine, we’ve seen the lead singers of The Stones and Aerosmith, and realize that someone better come close to immortalizing those stories on film soon, since they’re all the color of milk and the texture of prune danish, but sheesh, can we not keep telling this same story about the lamentable rock God who needs to “get right” with family before their last Bic flame goes out? And well, we just don’t see Pacino in this role. But maybe give him a mullet and a back tattoo and we could maybe get there. Skrillex. We dunno. Pussy Riot. These are popular things now, yes? [Vulture]
