I’ve been told a number of stupid, terrible, or frightening things on first dates. But here are five of the worst.
1) “You intimidate me.”
Why? Is it because I’M GOING TO CRUSH YOU, BRAH? I mean, this was said to me in the context of “Your intelligence intimidates me.” Gargh. Well, if it does, we’re not going out again.
“Intimidation” is for psychological warfare and tae kwon do, not for “Jeopardy!” prowess. I majored in political science and I was married, okay? Neither of those were smart decisions, so I can’t possibly be so brilliant I’m “intimidating.”
I want to impress you but not terrify you. If you’re terrified you might want to leave before you see me angry. I’m like the damn Hulk.
2) “I’m so horny.”
I swear to God, you are the grossest. Listen, I want to fuck just as much as the next person, but I don’t want to discuss it with you right this second. I don’t even know your last name, or whether you’re a Republican. Plus “horny” is the worst word– it’s so whiny, so slippery on the tongue (heh). “I’m horrrr-neeeee” just sounds like you’re crying. And that’s why you’re not getting laid: because you’re crying.
3) “I’m on Klonopin.”
I really do not care how fucked up in the head you are: this is not something you need to disclose on the first date. I don’t even care if it’s landed you in prison/a mental instituition/Florida. I don’t want to know what medications you’re on and I’m DEFINITELY not interested in playing a mental health version of “Top That,” because you will probably lose and I will look like a loon.
As it is, I look like a loon nodding silently while you talk about how Effexor killed your libido and now you’re on Klonopin as you’re drinking your beer and the only thing I can think about is how you shouldn’t be doing that and benzos alone seem like an incomplete treatment plan for whatever the fuck is wrong with you for telling your mental health history to a complete stranger.
4) “I don’t like girls who…” and its corollary, “All women…”
Well, I don’t like men who make sweeping generalizations about half the population. So I GUESS WE’RE EVEN.
5) “I’d pee in her butt.”
Okay, first and foremost: What does that EVEN MEAN? And eew. I mean, perhaps you should save your chick rankings for, oh, a second date, but you should definitely save your vilest appraisals for never. Pee in her butt? Doesn’t even make sense. And this from a man who told me he’d never been interested in anal.
I’m notcha bro, I’m not your buddy, so stop telling me which chicks you’d fuck, especially if the preceding comment is me going, “Ugh, that girl would not stop about tricking her boyfriend into impregnating her. What a crazy bitch.”
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