The Daily Sausage – Friday Edition

Ponzi didn’t think big enough, Michele Bachmann speaks the truth, House GOP actually ends welfare reform work requirements, what’s the matter with Kansas, #romneylies, #romneystrength, Obama the Fiscal Conservative, the vast liberal-Islamist-Wall Street-Media-Hollywood conspiracy according to Rush, Rand Paul singlehandedly shuts down the government, the Gini index, Eric Cantor: Closet Keynesian, and #romneyshambles.

Welcome to the Daily Sausage.

First up, Doghouse Riley with “Charles Ponzi Didn’t Think Big Enough”.

Finally, the fact that Mitt Romney has, over the course of a particularly dispiriting seven-year campaign, learned to mouth pro-Israel, make that “pro-Israel”, inanities about the Middle East, the better to infuse an important part of the Republican coalition–“scripturally and historically-mazed Armaggasmists”–and put it in a book–does not make those ideas, well, ideas.

I am fully convinced that the United States will never have a sensible policy on Israel until we have a Jewish President. Just like only Nixon could go to China, only Hypothetical President Schwartzmanlieberstein can go to Tel Aviv. Anyone else will get pasted as an anti-Semite. Unfortunately for us, I also don’t see that happening in my lifetime.

Michele Bachmann inadvertently spoke the truth at the Values Voter Summit.

Before I start I just want to say a word about this concept you have heard about called the war on women, the so-called war on women,” Bachmann said. “And I just want to say I think it has as much reliability and truthfulness as Bill Clinton’s arithmetic.

Actually, yeah. That all checks out. There is most definitely a Republican war on women, and Bill Clinton’s math has been independently verified as being correct. Of course, Bachmann was kidding when she said this, which makes me sad.

Mitt Romney has taken a lot of heat for saying that President Obama “gutted” welfare reform by allowing the states to develop new and innovative programs; a policy once championed by a certain former Massachusetts governor. As it turns out, the House GOP has introduced a bill that would actually end the welfare reform work requirements by allowing states to roll redundant programs into the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) program into one big Workforce Investment Fund (WIF). Thus, the TANF requirements would no longer apply. Yesterday, the House GOP advanced legislation to block President Obama’s proposed welfare reforms. Apparently, only the GOP gets to gut welfare work requirements in this country.

Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach and other members of the Kansas State Objections Board will hear complaints and will consider removing President Obama from the ballot this November.

On second thought, let us not go to Kansas. It is a silly place.

Mitt Romney told Good Morning America that he expects President Obama to “say things that aren’t true” during the presidential debates this fall.

And here’s my reaction.

Romney Adviser: Libya attack never would have happened under Romney.

You know what? Fuck it. I give up.

Karl Rove is back to his old tricks, running an ad in Nevada blasting President Obama for saying “You don’t blow a bunch of cash in Vegas when you’re trying to save for college.” Basically, he’s blasting the President for being a fiscal conservative. Of course, if we’ve learned anything from the GOP, it’s that “deficits don’t matter”, until there’s a Democrat in charge.

Rush Limbaugh, The Drudge Report, and The National Review have uncovered a vast conspiracy network consisting of liberals, the media, Hollywood, Islamist extremists, and Wall Street who have banded together to re-elect the President.

Basically, Al-Qaeda handed over Osama Bin Laden to boost the President’s reelection chances, the Federal Reserve engaged QE3 to boost the economy, the media collaborates to depress conservatives, the National Hurricane Center tries to cancel the RNC, and Christopher Nolan went back in time to the mid-90s to introduce a character in the Batman mythos so he could make a movie in 2012 using that character whose name happens to be a synonym for the Republican Presidential candidate’s former company.

Moving on, Senator Rand “Ron Paul’s Spalpeen” Paul is shutting down the US Senate until such time as the US ends foreign aid to Pakistan. Is there any chance the President can use his vast powers as commander-in-chief to declare Rand Paul a terrorist? I only ask because at this point, the Republican party is more of a threat to the United States than Al-Qaeda.

The Census Bureau’s Gini index, which was updated yesterday, gives clear evidence that income inequality in the United States has significantly worsened since 1968. Not really news, but worth mentioning anyway.

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor came out of the Keyensian closet yesterday, saying: