Well, we’ve known since our first Whopper that Burger King was sent to kill us. This is nothing new. Yet, they’ve forever been in the shadow of their also “prone to ratchet up all the diseases leading to cardiac infarction” brethren, McDonalds.
That’s not to say that Burger King could ever consider itself healthier or better than a place that once made their French fries with beef extract (Did you not know this? Ok. Now you do). Oh, no, never that. It just didn’t get the same celebrated song and dance, the fanfare, the eat it late at night and an hour later want to impale oneself with a large metal object, bit of undying devotion.
That was before they decided bacon and ice cream should find its way into America’s unhinged jaws.
Burger King, oh, you terrible, little greasy meat chunk in the middle of your burger, scamp, you. How did you know that we were just waiting to add creamy milk fat to our bacon? That we as a nation, really, and truly required a pork treat to go along with our fatty dairy treat? Was there a poll that we missed? Perhaps a census that was collected where the options were “kale” or “diabetes-filled sugar-salted meatstick drowned in a puddle of ice cold cow lactose, Yum, fucking Meeee!” No, we didn’t think so. This was totally your brainchild. You knew if you made something that probably has gadzooksabillion calories and unfuckingbelievable grams of fat the thunderous sound of America’s thighs as they charge the drive-thru would be a melody to your ears only the sound of cash registers collecting coin and doling out insulin could possibly eclipse. You, friends, are a new kind of Tea Party. You guys are the EKG Party. On your coupons you should advertise free screenings for every hundredth burly, bloated, blockage bacon sundae you serve.
And we’re not alone. Yesterday, Twitter was afire with commentary about the new dystopian future Burger King has planned for us where all our organs swim in milkshakes and excrete Jell-O.
Led by funnyman, Tom Hensley, who is now on our list of “Funny M’EFFERS on the Twitter,” Tom opines that Burger King’s marketing and promotion needs a boost, so last night he created #BKBaconSundaeSlogans. These things are awesome and really should be tweeted to @MikeBloomberg with a question that says, “#sodabash but #baconpass” or something like that.
Now Cue the Giggletron! Here we go!
Alright! More! More!
Alternate uses…
Feeling a little exposed?
All the stages of grief…
And finally acceptance.
