Ebaying at the Moon: Seeking a Friend For the End of the World

Well, not a friend, exactly. This isn’t Craigslost, after all.

However, with the fake end of the world only six months out, doomsday believers really need to get themselves in order. The world may be ending, life exterminated, rivers boiling, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t ways to make the experience more pleasant.

If you aren’t prepared for the coming apocalypse, now is the time to study up on what you might need. Our first seller offers you an entire lot of survival literature for only $700! That’s 37 books with such alluring titles as Shoestring Survivalism, Long-Term Survival In The Coming Dark Age: Preparing to Live after Society Crumbles and my personal favorite – What To Do When The Sh*t Hits the Fan. Please don’t mind that the books are clearly used and would have to be mailed to your address by someone who’s probably a lunatic – this is a steal!

Once you’ve properly prepared yourself, you’ll want to worry about eating. That’s why our next seller is giving you the opportunity to purchase enough dehydrated food to last 40 people an entire year. My personal favorite? 245 Vegetarian Meat Substitute Beef (flavored) #10 Can 40 oz (40 servings per can). Yummy.

Okay, now you know what to do, and you’ve got stuff to eat. You’ve got to get around right? And if you’re going to get around in post-apocalyptic world, you need something with both strength and style. A helpful seller from Baltimore gives you the 1985 M934 military transport-fully restored! Check out the description on this choice piece of equipment (emphasis mine):

STARTS , RUNS AND DRIVES PERFECT!  NO LEAKS, SMELLS, DRIPS, RUNS, STAINS, NOTHING.  THE COM BOX IS MISSING THE HEATERS & A/C. NO ONBOARD GEN, CAN BE ADDED LATER. I SELL THE 30KW GENERATORS TO PULL BEHIND. THE  MILITARY PULLED A 30KW GEN WITH IT. DRIVER & PASSANGER SEAT RIPPED. THE GOVERTMENT PAID 135K FOR THIS TRUCK IN 1985, THEN SPENT ANOTHER 70K FOR A REBUILD. YOU ARE GETTING THE TRUCK FOR A FRACTION OF WHAT THE GOVERTMENT PAID FOR IT, AND HAS INVESTED IN IT. CAN BE UPFITTED WITH A GUN RING ($3,500) AND OTHER NEAT OPTIONS! CLEAN TITLE IN 2 WEEKS IF NEEDED $500. HAND AND READY TO ROLL. WHEN THE CRAP HITS THE FAN, PERFECT BUG-OUT TRUCK.  RARE TRUCK THAT WONT LAST LONG. DO YOUR HOMEWORK QUICKLY AND CHECK IT OUT!..

A gun ring? Check it out, indeed.

Not everyone is into the DIY-approach to apocalyptic survival, of course. For those who would rather have someone else do all the heavy lifting, I give you this auction: One ticket for doomsday evacuation and a spot in a German WWII-era bunker! That is a Showcase Showdown-level prize there – and for only $9,999. What exactly do you get for your10 grand?

The owner of a ticket receives the following services in the event of Armageddon:
– Evacuation from the nearest airport
– Direct transfer to Germany
– A safe place in a German air raid shelter

We will initiate the evacuation as soon as we are convinced that a disaster is imminent.
You will be notified simultaneously with the take-off of the charter aircraft here in Germany about the beginning of the evacuation.
Therefore, they have enough time to reach the airport nearest to you. The corresponding airport is listed on your ticket.
Your ticket is important to keep it in a safe place. Without a ticket, the flight crew will not let you boarding.

This sounds like an amazing deal! So, any apocalyptic event occurs and I get a place in a bunker just by holding this ticket? Wait, what about the fine print?

Pre-paid tickets are not refundable. Money back is not possible. No returns accepted.
When the dreaded Doomsday will not take place until 12/22/2012, 
so the tickets expire and there is no way to recover the money. 
The offered services are performed only in the event that, 
in the opinion of the seller announces a catastrophe. 
Likewise, no liability is accepted if an evacuation because of 
environmental conditions or technical failures can not be executed. 
The possession of a ticket does not guarantee a mandatory evacuation!
With the acquisition of one or more tickets, you agree with the above conditions. 
Please note this before you buy.

If an evacuation can’t be executed? I can’t imagine. Until next time, may you never need to bid on any of this.