Oh Celebrity Apprentice. In case you forgot what happened last week, we’re gonna rehash it on the screen or you can just read last week’s recap. Blah blah blah. Wackety Schmackity doo. Join us for the nonsense after the jump.
Lisa comes out of the Bored Room and tells everyone that Trump freaked out and devoured Dayanna and Clay and there’s no one left. The left over celebs are shocked for a minute, until Clay walks out and they realize it was a joke, and Dayanna was fired. Lisa’s glowing. Immediately, Arsenio and Lisa start calling Teresa out for being demure. Teresa feels the targets that are now on her back.
We join the people in Hearst Tower. You mean Patty Hearst? No, I mean the home of Elle magazine. Robby Meyers (sp?) from Elle and two older gentlemen from Some Hair Care Product Company are there. The show refuses to show their names and if they can’t be bothered to look up how to spell “Farouq” neither can I. Lady from Elle reads the cue card with the usual boringness. Today’s task is to create a print ad for some random touch screen hair dryer. Lisa steps up as PM and is joined by Teresa. I think the Jersey Girl can TOTALLY bring some flat iron realness to this shit. Farouq points out Aubrey’s hair and she informs him it’s real and that she has the receipts to prove it.
The admins come in to steer the Apprentices in the right direction. Arsenio and Teresa love Farouq’s red pimp shoes and everyone notices that they match Aubrey’s Kool Aid hair. This dryer has apparently been crafted by NASA technology. Because that’s what NASA gives a shit about. The Admins do say they don’t want anything vulgar, and Lisa taps out. Aubrey pipes up with one of those annoying, “I’m smart and I have a question that doesn’t ask anything, but shows you that I was totally paying attention” questions. Someone give her a gold fucking star and shut her up. Farouq starts hitting on Aubrey and Arsenio and the audience start mentally vomiting. I had no idea this pimp dude was from Houston.
Aubrey talks about how she wants the ad to be futuristic and meditative and shit and didn’t I see this in a phone ad already?
Lisa’s ready to get shit started and they start talking about ideas and they’re really broad and grandiose. Why not just pick something, like the quietness and show some woman blow drying her hair at work, or while the baby’s sleeping or something? Team Aubrey’s looking through the models, even though it’s clear that Aubrey will wrestle the make-up brush away from any anorexic model and jump in front of the camera. They decide on some redheaded girl and Jesus.
Lisa tries to fuck with the other team, once she realizes they’re gunning for the ginger, and gives Teresa shit during the Model Swap. Aubrey tells Teresa to grow a pair, and Lisa’s confusing her more with this AMNTM version of Three Card Monty. Teresa can’t process what’s going on and everyone’s freaking out about the crew cut guy. I don’t see what’s wrong with him, but I have creative juices and could totally find a good use for them. I mean him. I mean both, and no I didn’t mean it that way. Ok, yes, I totally did. Shut up.
Teresa’s talking herself out of buyer’s remorse and is totally comfortable with her decision while Lisa and Clay are cracking up in the other room. Aubrey and Arsenio feel that they have no use for two guys, and I think they’re not trying hard enough. Arsenio’s all GAME OVER MAN while Tall Trump walks in and judges them all for FAILURE. I mean, here’s a guy with shortish hair, and it’s obvious he MUST use a hair dryer to get that hideous . . . coiffure that he has, so guys with short hair can TOTALLY use hair dryers, and not just at the gym on their balls. Close up on Tall Trump and we see that he’s really just Trump Plain and Tall in a way I’ve never noticed before. I’m very distracted at how just bland and small mouthed he looks. It’s weird. Maybe it’s the lighting.
Lisa wants to show typical women using the hair dryer, so she hires a bunch of size 0 20 year old models. Neither Lisa nor Clay knows anything about fashion, but thankfully the model does. Maybe Trump should hire her as the Apprentice.
Everyone’s getting ready for the shoot, and I miss Project Runway’s Make-Up Bear, though they do have a Make-Up Cub who will do for a pinch. I mean in a pinch. Clay’s left on his own and can’t make any decisions without Lisa present.
On the other team, Arsenio has done photography before, and lets everyone know this, and Aubrey’s dress totally clashes with her hair. She decides to jump in as the model just as the redheaded model shows up. Ginger Model’s not so ginger and they let her go, while she makes snarky comments about people wasting her time. WAY TO LOOK LIKE YOUR HEADSHOT AND TOTALLY DO THINGS TO KEEP GETTING WORK, LADY. That sound you hear is Miss J shaking her head in disdain.
Clay starts taking pictures of the hair dryer and Lisa sits around eating. Trump Spawn comes in and looks less douchey in real clothes. If only we could fix his hair. He makes jokes with people and seems almost human and it’s weird.
But not weird enough, since Aubrey’s hanging around with her big ass hair and her boobs hanging out. Teresa’s scandalized, and that confuses me. Photo shoot time. Aubrey’s giving us Playboy Bunny realness, and the porn music doesn’t help at all.
The two teams pitch their shows to the admins and Teresa comes out and falls flat on her face. Aubrey and Arsenio try to pick up the pieces, but the Lady from Elle can smell the bullshit a mile away. Lisa and Clay have a stronger pitch, but speed read through the whole thing. Team Aubrey ends up having stronger pictures, but lacks any information on the product. Team Clay seems to be “dated” but the admins like the branding.
Everyone goes to the Bored Room and Trump immediately calls Teresa out on the Three Model Monty. Lisa calls everyone on their shit and everyone gangs up on Teresa. Arsenio bitches about the male models, again, because no one on this show can be creative. The teams trade ads. Lisa pulls a good cop and praises Team Aubrey’s pictures. Clay gets the bad cop role in pointing out that you can’t tell what’s being sold. Trump starts the “Who should go home routine” and I get ready to ignore everyone and everything, but we quickly learn that Team Lisa wins! That’s 100k for GMHC! See you in 40 minutes when we finally fire someone.
And holy shit there was only 10 minutes of bitching! Could this be a Christmas Miracle?!! Teresa’s fired, but I think I’m more excited for going to bed early.
And that’s when it happens. . . The celebs are called back and THERE’S THE FUCKING M&M COMMERCIAL. IF THIS SHOW IS ONLY HALFWAY DONE, I WILL FIRE UP THE MURDERTANK RIGHT HERE AND NOW.
Apparently, the Celebs all have to have a final interview with Marilee Matlin and . . . some guy who looks like a budget version of Garth Brooks. Aubrey has an old soul and a lot of energy. She works with charities or something. Budget Garth Brooks brings up that Diddy never gave any money and Aubrey brings up that she was fired from that show/band, and thanks for bringing up my past, asshole. BGB is all about the dollar signs and Aubrey sees that he’s not going to shut up, so she plows right over him.
Marilee’s with Clay and says that she watched American Idol but it didn’t really do anything for her, and I giggle. Clay lays on the whole “I work with Special Needs Kids” thing on REALLY thick and Marilee says that Clay’s playing it safe. BGB refuses to shut the fuck up about how wonderful and amazing he was when HE was on the show, and doesn’t really interview people. I swear, he went to the Shannel school of TV interviews. He brings up that Clay should have been the PM more often and FUCK I HATE HIM. He’s that guy who’s so GUNG HO about the company and talks in Tony Robbins’ quotes. Marilee’s disappointed in Arsenio, but not as much as BGB who brings up how much money he brought to the show . . . again. BGB gives Lisa some really easy questions but then won’t shut up again. Marilee brings up the crying and everyone has a laugh. Except me.
They all go back to the Bored Room and I start to get nervous. I’m not sure I can take another hour of this shit. Trump asks what everyone thought of everyone else, and no one cares, so Trump fires Lisa. As she’s walking out, we get a To Be Continued sign and I fall to my knees to thank the hundred little gods for their sweet sweet generosity.
