The Brits to Probably Ruin the Olympics for the Rest of Us

So it’s not enough that the Brits make us seem ridiculous for pronouncing “schedule” with a hard “k” in the beginning, now they’ll probably ruin the Olympics for us (and the Australians unless this Aussie motivation video above helps.) We’re just flimsy pawns in their game of entire world Olympic domination, you see. They’ll know the outcome of all the major events we care about — Gymnastics, Swimming & Diving, Track & Field, and Beach Volleyball (We care about this? YES!)– before we do — and we bet they won’t hesitate to tell us.

Yesterday, NBC unveiled their full Olympic coverage slate — which seems like some Herculean feat of inescapable Olympic insanity — amid plans to show an unprecedented 5,535 hours of Olympic gold medally goodness. You can watch it all across several networks including, NBC, NBC Sports Network, MSNBC, CNBC, Bravo, Telemundo,, two specialty channels, and the first-ever 3D platform. So we can expect the discus event to come flying out of our television screens like the severed gear box from an eviscerated robot in a Michael Bay film? Awesome. No. They’ve also rebooted Bob Costas, Olympic high-chairman, as well as some other non-Costas players to take on the shifts no one cares about; Mary Carillo (late night), Al Michaels (daytime) and Dan Patrick (weekend & daytime). No John Tesh?! He of nonsensical Olympic commentary and wanton piano stylings?! Blasphemy! Tesh is out, but oh, geesh, Ryan Seacrest, impish, woodland nymph will be on board to, we dunno, discuss front handsprings and hair mousse.

Here’s the breakdown of the major events and stations:

  • NBC gets swimming and will show human water-eel, Michael Phelps’ attempt to win gold yet again. Oh, and there will also be track and field, gymnastics, diving, and beach volleyball — all showcasing athletes less important than Michael Phelps or so NBC’s press release would have you believe.
  • Bravo gets tennis with host Pat O’Brien, former Access Hollywood co-host and weird sex propositioner. Erm, can we have Pat O’Brien and Andy Cohen sit down for Watch What Happens Live: Olympics Edition?! Oh, pretty please? “You are so f&*kin’ hot!” O’Brien will say just like the old days!
  • CNBC gets 73 hours of men’s and women’s boxing — perhaps starting with Facebook IPO investors boxing Mark Zuckerberg’s head, eh?
  • MSNBC gets 155½ hours of coverage. The range of events spans badminton (Really, badminton?) to wrestling. Good. We were afraid it would involve Chris Matthews shouting at people as they try and evade his flying spittle.
  • NBC Sports Network will get 292½ hours of basketball, soccer, and other U.S. team sports. (Where does this channel exist? NBC is so smart in using the Olympics to make you find a network covered in compost and dumpster cabbage laying waste in the obscure section of your television guide.)
  • Telemundo will also provide 173 hours of coverage focusing on boxing, swimming and soccer. (or in my Sofia Vergara voice — boxeo, natación, y fútbol.)

Here’s the thing though, will stream every event including medal rounds totaling 3,500 hours. Events to be aired on NBC in primetime will be archived after they air on the network. And what about that primetime coverage? Since London is ahead of us by five hours, eastern, standard time — they’ll see all the events hours before we do, and they’ll of course tell us everything using their online news outlets, their blogs, their Zuckerberg IPO Nightmare Palace, Facebook, and Twitterzzzz. THE ENTIRE OLYMPICS WILL BE ONE BIG ONLINE SPOILER ALERT! Everyone will know if Michael Phelps just fish-palmed ten new medals after sluicing through the water using his genetically evolved Waterworld gills. So anti-climatic this Olympics may turn out to be. NBC has bought up the entire world of television to bring you every waking moment, just to have some wanker log into Facebook and say “Blimey! The Phelps chap took it away again! Well, Togglefence and PoppinTops! 111FIRST111!!!!”

Fantastic. Ha! No, we’re just kidding. We like you guys, well except when you do this!

At least the Dutch took first place for beer.

Cheers! You’ll still ruin everything, Brits. Hey, yeah, everybody still watch NBC’s 9 million hours of coverage, ‘kay? They worked really hard on this. Nobody check the interwebz for like seventeen days. WAIT! Unless you’re going to livestream the events and not like do work while at your job or whatever.

The 2012 Summer Olympics begin on July 27th — only on NBC and nearly every single channel they own.

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