Ah, annoying parents. We are everywhere and we often forget that the world does not revolve around our special snowflakes. We can drive even the most tolerant among us to drink. To even the playing field, I will let you in on a secret: It is ridiculously easy to get revenge on us. You just have to know a few secrets. I will tell you a few in the hopes that you are more tolerant of me the next time I start yapping about how precious my snowflakes are.
You can easily warp children by offering to spend quality time with them. Yes, it can be draining to spend time with them, but an hour spent warping a child is an hour that will plague their parents for quite some time. For example, If you have power over 3-6 year olds for a couple of hours, you can mold them into Minions of the Antichrist before you return them to their parents. First, feed them fruit snacks which are pure sugar but for some reason have a reputation as being healthier than candy. Then, give them juice, which is also pure sugar. Plop them down in front of Spongebob Squarepants. When their parents come to get them, they will be an incoherent mess.
Here are some other things you can take them to do:
- Let them see commercials on Nickelodeon. They will get obsessed with some random, expensive toy and pester their parents about it nonstop.
- Take them to the grocery store and show them where they keep the sugary cereal and cookies. Chances are, the parents have avoided showing the kids this. Now they will know and knowledge is power.
Buy children gifts. It’s cheap and easy to act innocent:
- Play-Doh. I can’t believe some kind of parent council hasn’t found a way to ban this on the grounds that it is super-annoying and gets everywhere.
- Moon sand – it is the devil’s butt sand. It has caused more arguments between parents than college savings accounts or discipline methods.
- Drums. Once, someone bought my sister’s sons drums and Play-Doh. Her response? “If you wanted to stop exchanging gifts, you should have just said so.”
- CDs of annoying music. Children have an ability to get obsessed with really annoying songs and they want to hear them over and over and over and over and over. Play the song for the child a few times and sing along and you will have planted a very evil seed. Check out The Fresh Beat Band, Raffi and The Wiggles.
If you want to warp older boys, it’s incredible easy. Just show them how to bypass the parental controls on the computer. That should provide them with plenty of furious masturbation materials. The parents will know even if they don’t admit it.
When it comes to teenage girls, tread lightly. They are ridiculously fertile and you don’t want to get blamed or involved in that. Your only really safe bet is to get the girl to dedicate her life to Christ and start making Until Abortion Ends videos.
I’m sure you all have lots of additional, evil ideas.
