What is it we say about power? Absolute power corrupts absolutely? Well, there’s no better place to test that theory than Westeros.
We begin last night’s episode, “A Man Without Honor” in Winterfell. Theon Greyjoy, all around jackass and detestable nitwit, awakes to curiously find Osha gone. He looks perplexed. Really, Theon? It’s perplexing that a woman you once nearly raped and then later bedded because you’re an idiot and high on power would leave your sorry ass at first light? Anyway, yeah, Osha, Hodor, the boys and the direwolves have been gone for hours while Theon slept soundlessly in the spoils of his ill-gotten gains. So then naturally he accuses everyone else for the loss, despite his lack of diligence. He yells and blusters at his men and when one calls him on the stupidity of sleeping with Osha, he does what all insane bullies with balls the size of Pop Rocks do — he beats the man senseless for even insinuating correctly that Theon is a stupid, stupid person.
After that’s all sorted, he gathers up the horses and hounds to find the missing little lord and his protectors. He turns to Maester Luwin who’s fretting about their safety and says, “If I find them soon enough, I won’t hurt them,” Theon assures him, then amends: “I’ll hurt them, I won’t kill them.” He’s such a pompous little shit. He then says to Luwin that it’s all a game. And we think for Theon in part it is a game. He missed out on beating his sister at Chutes & Ladders as a kid, so yeah, he sees this as the very next best thing. This is akin to stomping his foot and saying, “I’m the best Greyjoy there ever was! Take that, neener-neener!” We hope something heavy falls on his head, like the pointy edge of a sword. He’s confident that when his sister arrives with 500 men there will be no way Robb will defeat him. I’d like to think that if for no other reason, Yara’s hate for Theon will lead her to opt out of his little victory scenario thereby feeding him to the wolves literally. “Oops, Raven G-mail was down. We never received your message. Sorry that you’re dead. Not really.”
Well, now that everyone knows you’re a virgin whose also taken a vow of celibacy, how about we, er, stroke those fires and see how sworn to that oath you are, broody Jon Snow? This is what Ygritte wants to know from young Mr. Snow while flirting shamelessly with him north of the Wall. Because what the Game of Thrones doesn’t have loads of is sexual tension, Jon and Ygritte are stocking up on it like it were crockpot dinners. After waking up from their “angry spoon” with Jon’s hand lazily resting on Ygritte’s boob, or what we assume is a boob beneath the pelt of a dozen deer hides, she asks seductively, “Did you pull a knife on me in the night?” Uh-oh, Jon, she may be a randy one. Our sour faced Nightswatchman ignores her first attempts to rile him as he leads her through some sort of snow-covered waste land. She doesn’t let up though. She asks whether all that celibate stuff leads to “blue stones,” the Westeros version of horny man-balls. And like the worst first date ever, Ygritte deduces Jon’s virginal state, teases him for it while looking appalled like he has some sort of cock-rot, and wants to know why. Jon doesn’t answer, but this doesn’t stop her from asking what the men do to uh, alleviate the yearnings. She runs down the list of potential outlets stopping at sheep and finally old Mr. five fingers and a palm. Jon looks like he’d rather throw himself off a snowy ravine than continue this conversation.
Once she’s had her fun for the time being, they both launch into a heated discussion about what it means to be free. She thinks it’s about being a Wildling and not having to answer to anyone, and not having to bow to any King while living off the land, bedding who you want, when you want, and doing away with this paltry sense of duty Jon has adopted. Jon thinks about it, and we can see that he doesn’t think the whole “being your own man” thing is so bad, but then he shakes it off. They argue about it passionately, one describing what it’s like to make up the rules as they go, the other feeling obligated to defend a code that as of that moment has left him to his own devices. They are the Moonlighting Maddie and David of the frozen tundra.
And speaking of left to their own devices, we arrive back at Harrenhal which gives us a great sweeping visual of the former castle that could hold at bay all things except dragons which eventually became its downfall.
Tywin is torturing men in an attempt to find the source of Jaqen’s poison dart from last week. Tywin believes the dart was really meant for him. In the midst of it all, Tywin has grown to like Arya, his cupbearer. He tells her his distaste for mutton and implores her eat his portion. She hesitates for but a moment. This scene is another nail-biter. There is so much that’s always left unsaid whenever we visit Tywin and Arya. It’s really a rather sophisticated battle of wits. A dance between the two where Arya must think on her feet while attempting to not just win over Tywin, but convince him that she is who she says. And that doesn’t always go so well, as we see in this episode. By merely indicating how educated she is, her knowledge of saying “my lord” instead of “m’lord” she puts Tywin on the right path to uncovering her as a highborn little lady, which isn’t what she wants. She tries to cover by making small mistakes like saying “proper” instead of “properly” and pretending not to know the meaning of the word “legacy” and being a bit churlish by saying “most girls are idiots,” but we fear Tywin isn’t falling for it. Not the bit about her father being an educated stone mason, or her mother teaching her manners because she was a handmaiden. He even remarks how much she reminds him of Cersei. He ends their tête-à-tête by saying Arya is too smart for her own good, and we pretty much believe Tywin knows her secret.
And there are many secrets to be had.
After attempting to thank The Hound for saving her, Sansa gets a crude awakening. Not only does The Hound not need her thanks, because he thrives on the kill, but he tells a bit of truth to Sansa about his “killing notion” and how one day she’ll be thankful when he’s all that stands between she and Joffrey. We take this to mean that he may attempt to stop Joffrey from outright killing her in a burst of unthinking mania. Whether he’d go so far as to kill Joffrey seems a bit farfetched. But we can totally see him attempting to talk Joffrey down if the slight is small. This isn’t exactly a comforting thought for Sansa.
Which makes the next scene with her all the more poignant. While having a dream that replays the attempted rape The Hound saved her from, Sansa awakes to her first menstruation. Instantly this causes a wave of panic. She knows as Cersei has promised, that she can now officially carry Joffrey’s ruinous, maniac children. She tries to hide the sheets, and Shae, Tyrion’s girlfriend, attempts to help even going so far as to threaten the life of another handmaiden, but The Hound finds out and Cersei is told. And the conversation Sansa has with her is telling.
Cersei confirms that Joffrey was just as much of a demon in the womb as he is out of it. “Joffrey’s always been difficult,” she says. She also adds that she “labored a day and a half to bring him into this world.” Which makes sense when you’re giving birth to an insane Godzilla. She also adds that while Robert was off boar hunting during Joffrey’s birth, Jaime was at her side [BECAUSE HE’S HIS FATHER…this thing that isn’t said] and that “Joffrey will show you no such devotion.” Sheesh. Just call that monstrous ass wart an evil prick and get on with it. She also advises Sansa to love only her children, because there’s no way she’ll ever love Joffrey. Even Cersei knows that. To that end, it makes sense to her that “The more people you love the weaker you are,” she advises. Her advice, love no one.
Later, in a surprising scene with Tyrion — sister and brother have a real heart to heart where they discuss the lunacy that is Joffrey as king. Both know that he’s unruly, and a cretinous monster who’s out of control. Tryion blames Cersei for her part in it stating that, “It’s hard to put a leash on a dog, once you’ve already put a crown on its head.” Cersei acknowledges this and plaintively says that she doesn’t know what to do about him, and maybe this is the fault of her sin. Now, we never truly knew how much Tyrion knew of Joffrey’s parentage, and here it’s still a little unclear if he’s known all along, or just suspected and now Cersei has confirmed it for him. He attempts to clumsily comfort her by saying the Targeryans have birthed pure bloods, and Cersei says, “Yeah, and look how they turned out.” What with Cersei crying we finally see Tyrion tongue tied. He has no idea how to make this better so he just watches her awkwardly. But we do not feel sorry for Cersei for thrusting Joffrey upon the world. No, we do not.
And then the truth comes for them all.
Next we visit Dany on the Star Trek holodeck, and she’s still screaming about her missing dragons. Sigh. This is becoming tiresome. Ser Jorah comes trotting in dismayed that he wasn’t there to defend her dragons and pledges to help her any way he can, he even tries to comfort her awkwardly and physically, to which she rebuffs, diva style. She just wants her dragons back. Next we see her she’s before the Qarth council still pleading her case. The Spice King will have none of it. He sees the dragons as nothing more than destruction, and he’s not wrong. Yet Pyat Pree, the warlock and pseudo-Ferengi, disagrees and says that Dany should have her dragons, and in fact he knows where they are because he stole them! Duh-duh-duh! What?! Yes, apparently he and Xaro made an agreement. Xaro will become king of Qarth, Pyat Pree will take out the other council members which he does using his wizardry, and the “Mother of Dragons” will help them rule. Which seems very likely to be a double-cross within a double-cross. Ser Jorah who found out that something nasty was going down in the council shows up in the nick of time and kills stabs Pree, but not before finding out what was happening from the mysterious masked lady who brings up the deal he made with Varys, wherein he sold out Dany’s activities with the Dothraki for a clean slate back in King’s Landing last season. Tsk, tsk, Jorah.
North of the Wall, Ygritte is tired of walking, so she starts to lure Jon into joining with the Wildlings either willingly, or by breaking his celibacy vow which he can either do with her consent, or she’ll lie and say he forced her. She tries for the former first, and attempts to seduce him by talking about warm, wet “things.” You’d have thought she had on lingerie and not 900 pounds of animal fur. She challenges that he doesn’t know “how to do it” and he counters with “I know how to do it. Boobs feel like two bags of sand!” Jon looks at their surroundings and decides a muck filled, icy mountain may not be the best place for sexytimes. He refuses all offerings. No matter! She takes off running. He gives chase, finds that her wimpy ropes have been cut and oh, yeah, he’s now surrounded by a bunch of Wildling Jawas. We assume he’s now a prisoner. Just where the hell are Samwise Gamgee and all the other Night Watch dudes? It’s like everyone left for a tailgate party and didn’t tell Jon.
And apparently Robb is also at this tailgate party, because he’s also run off with his “foreign beauty” to go watch a Heat/Pacers game or maybe to find willow bark and milk of the poppy. Meanwhile, Jaime Lannister has made a new friend. Ser Alton Lannister has delivered Cersei’s message with regard to surrender or whatever Robb wanted. She ripped up the letter. Now Alton is in the same cell as Jaime which was such a smart move by the besotted Robb. He and Jaime share a few tales about squiring. Alton was great at it. Jaime was bad at it because kingslaying is a better job than being someone’s butler. We get to see Jaime at work as he pulls this kid in with tales of victory and humbleness until he lowers the boom. “You see, chap. You can help me escape.” “I can? Really? Well, just tell me how.” “Come closer and die.” Bash, bash, snap, crackle, pop. He kills Alton, the guard comes running, he’s killed too…and Jaime’s free! Ok. No, two seconds later he’s captured. What? How is he this great fighter and he keeps getting captured? He’s got to be the worst fighter ever. Or he couldn’t devise a plan heavy with tactics to save his life.
Now everyone wants him dead. He’s not expected to last the night, so Catelyn decides to go in and keep him company? Bring him some warm milk and a night light? Anyway, she tries to keep the peace, saves him once, and then hangs out in his cell until he decides to start discussing his attributes. Catelyn finds him wanting, says he has no honor, to which Jaime says, “Oh, like Ned Stark who went out whoring and came home with a little whore-whelp?” Catelyn wants a sword. Jaime doesn’t seem to care. He’d rather die than remain a prisonor with soiled pants.
Finally, back at Winterfell, when we last left Theon, permanent dumbass, he’d found a few walnuts, Rickon’s favorite snack hidden amongst some hay on a neighboring farm. He was pretty certain he’d found the boys and their protectors. Now in the Winterfell courtyard he has a gift. “I told you what would happen!” he screeches like a crazed shit-buzzard. He raises two bodies — the small, charred remains of two boys. Could it be Bran and Rickon?
We’re not totally sure, there are no identifiable markings. Either way, we’re sure there will be no good ending for Theon Greyjoy. He’s in Joffrey territory now.
What did you think? Let us know in the comments.
NOTE: You guys know my policy on book discussions, this is a book-free space for Game of Thrones. We’re just talking about the television series, so please try and avoid book spoilers. Thanks!
Here’s a more detailed infographic of the houses.
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The Game of Thrones airs Sunday nights at 9pm on HBO.
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