It’s almost May, and that means the start of wedding season! Open bars and casual foreveralone-fueled hookups and cheap yet “meaningful” party favors and mason jars filled with ALL THE THINGS!
But wedding season isn’t just about collecting seven hundred monogrammed boxes of Jordan almonds; it means bridesmaid-duty season, too. According to a survey of over 20,000 brides in the U.S., it costs an average of $1,695 to be a bridesmaid. The study, done by WeddingChannel.com, found that not only is the cost of the average wedding going up, but that the cost for those roped into being in a giant matrimonial circus is increasing too.
I am in a wedding in June. I have known the bride since kindergarten. Even if I hadn’t known for forever that I would be a bridesmaid, I would have accepted when she asked two years ago when she first got engaged.
But I did know. She is, to used a tired (but apt) analogy, a Charlotte. I remember her fantasizing about kilts and bagpipes at her wedding when she was twenty. I am pretty sure she has been planning this for much longer than two years. Pinterest came too late for her.
What I didn’t know two years ago was that I would be coming up on five months out of work today. That next weekend, the weekend of her bridal shower, I would have a) no money to get there, b) no money for a present, and c) few fucks to give because I can’t even buy myself things I want or need right now.
I’m also in the last round of interviews for a job I really, really need; I should hear this week. A job that requires me to work weekends and holidays.
The bridal shower? Next weekend. The bachelorette party? Memorial Day weekend. Yes, the wedding party consists of two stay-at-home moms, an office worker, and me.
So this is convenient for every person but me, but really, what about me? This is what I’m imagining in my head:
Only Job Offer Ever: “EN, you’re hired!”
Me: “Thank you so much! Now, I need this coming weekend off and Memorial Day weekend and also the weekend of June 8th. I’m really excited to be on board!”
Only Job Offer Ever: “…”
I love her and I want to be in this wedding. But I have also known her all our lives and she is a stubborn, princessy woman. I cannot imagine going to her at this late date and saying, “Hey, I can still be in the wedding but can you FedEx my dress to me so I can get it altered? Also, I know I’m a bridesmaid but I’m not going to be there for any of it. Sawry.”
I know how red her face gets when she’s pissed. She knows I’ve been out of work and she’s been really sympathetic, but you know the faults of your closest friends. I know her sympathy will only extend so far. It extends right up to the point where it impacts her idea of what her Special Few Months should be like.
And this is for ONE WEDDING. Do women that were in sororities have to take out second mortgages? I love a good wedding, and if I had the money and free time I’d think nothing of this, but I don’t, and so I do think a lot of it. If anything, I’m pissed because I should have known; I should have been saving for this since our teens; I should have taken the money I didn’t spend on my wedding and banked it for bridesmaid expenses.
Here is a very basic and approximate breakdown of my expenses for this wedding:
Dress: $230
Alterations: $50
Hair and Makeup for Wedding: $130
Hotel for Wedding: $220
Gifts: $100+
Bachelorette Party: [25% of whatever we spend; I’m really scared]
Travel: $400+
I have so many questions for those 20,000 brides. After they all came up with the numbers, did they think, “Motherfucker, that is a ton of money! That seems excessive for a dress the same color as a bruise and some false eyelashes. Shit, I don’t even know why I registered for a martini olive stuffer. I just drink vodka straight from the bottle.” Or did they go, “Those slores owe me after the shit I did and the money I spent on their weddings,” and go back to the boards on The Knot?
Can someone tell me why we do this? Or if you want to buy any of my organs?
