Fox has faith in a New Girl; Paramount pictures loses a staring contest; Angelina Jolie waves a magic wand; Kristen Wiig to cut the umbilical cord; Paula Patton gets ready to reload; Steve Carell stays the anti-Ryan Gosling, and Katniss for Collectors.
Fox announced the renewals of three of their now dependable hits, that singing adolescent pimple, Glee, some show about doltish, procreators in trucker hats, Raising Hope, and the new Zooey Deschanel, Blitzkrieg blinking-eyeball half-hour, New Girl. So, yay! Well, no. In its fourth season, isn’t Glee starting to become the equivalent to Kirstie Alley sitting on your couch in a negligee at 4am? Seriously, like you once thought it was really funny and cute, you got all her jokes, and sometimes, even when her babble became sort of a heady mix of booze and an overuse of fondue, you still kept it around, because it was fun, but now it’s just Kirstie Alley in satin? But we’re genuinely happy for Zooey Deschanel because as long as we know where to find her on Fox every week there’s little chance she’ll appear randomly on our television or movie screen like a possum rooting around in your garage. So that’s something good! [Deadline]
Haha! Paramount pictures blinked! The studio will change the opening date of The Dictator, starring the unfunniest man second to Dane Cook screaming obscenities on stage to the cacophony of frat bros everywhere, from May 11 to May 16, because the trailer for the Tim Burton/Johnny Depp marriage vow renewal called, Dark Shadows seems more comedic than they thought! What?! That’s fantastic. Paramount is afraid that people wanting laughs will opt to see Dark Shadows over the stupid, awful looking thing starring Sacha Baron Cohen, which is like choosing a crap sandwich over a crap taco from the looks of it. The world of Hollywood is amazing. Now we’ve got movies afraid of other movies because one could win the award for “Things that should have never made it to film” vs. winning the award for “Things that slightly less than never should have made it to film.” Like little league. Everyone gets a medal — a medal for crap. [Deadline]
There’s probably a praying mantis joke here but we won’t make it. Two years from now Angelina Jolie will uncoil her arms and scare the world in the movie version of Maleficent about the evil sorceress who curses Sleeping Beauty to her eternal slumber. See, I made the joke. The date will be March 14, 2014, so um, yeah, check that off on your calendar, because the fairy tale-to-live-action movie trend won’t have subsided two years from now. Fantastic. Since we’ve pretty much wrung out Snow White until it’s just a dried out husk limping around in the cemetery of other bad Disney ideas, we’ll look forward to all the other stories which includes this one about a witch who puts a girl in a coma, then surrounds her house with demonic ivy all the while the witch turns into a murderous dragon! It’s either that, or her one veiny leg will protrude awkwardly from an evening gown destined to open up and catch unsuspecting internet users in a photobomb meme or a venus fly trap that springs forth from the apex near the top! Bring the kids! [EW]
Kristen Wiig could leave SNL, y’all. Sure, sure, whatever. Yes, we all know that people eventually leave this show because good god, if you don’t get the “SNL character movie” by your fifth season or so, you’ve really done nothing with your life. And since Wiig has done that, plus you know, proven that she’s worth something in movies aside from SNL, naturally it’s time to see what else is out there beyond the loving womb of Lorne Michaels. She told Alec Baldwin on his radio show, “WKRP Thoughtless Little Pig in Cincinnati” no, durr, it’s really called, “Here’s the Thing,” that she doesn’t know if she’ll return, but if she doesn’t it’s not because she’s sick of it, or because she sees something better.” Mostly she’ll leave because “It’s time” which is the best way to go out, as opposed to the Chris Kattan way, “You’re no longer funny and your attempt at a movie ended in Corky Romano.” [Vulture]
Statuesque beauty, Paula Patton, and kick ass chick if you’ve seen Mission: Impossible-Ghost Protocol, will be co-starring in the Denzel Washington/Mark Whalberg vehicle, 2 Guns. Which sounds as uninspiring as both stars’ recent films, Safe House, and Contraband. Patton will play Washington’s love interest. Not sure if her casting will add something more to the film, or if it’ll still be a stale trope that Washington is trotting out time and again, pitting the wizened older cop/agent/gnarled, grumpy grim guy who needs to take on the young upstart to make himself feel challenged again or whatever. DENZEL, STOP DOING THESE MOVIES! I’d like to send George Clooney over to Washington’s house with about ten scripts, lock them both in a room, and not let Washington leave until he and Clooney have decided upon a script that has nothing to do with guns/rogue military and/or super secret agent guys. I’d force him into an indie or a political drama if I had to shoot him in the kneecap to do it. Who’s with me? George, bring the Jim Beam, it’s gonna be a long night. What? Oh, yes, congrats Paula on your career! [Deadline]
Schlubby man in tan slacks, Steve Carell, is thinking about being a sad-sack, lump of wet oatmeal yet again in a movie. This time it’ll be in a live action version of the children’s book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. And since we know the book is about a family that experiences the worst day of their lives, he’ll play a man named Ben who we suppose will experience some sort of demoralizing failure, or maybe he’ll lose his sock in the washing machine, or maybe his wife will cheat on him, or he’ll find a tack on his chair at work, or perhaps the IRS will audit him, or maybe he’ll get muenster cheese on his sandwich, and he hates muenster cheese. There’s no way to tell how this will go, but whatever happens, we’re sure Carell will convince us that nothing worse could happen ever, ever! The end. [Comingsoon.net]
Hey! Hunger Games fans! There’s a Katniss Barbie doll. BarbieCollector.com (which is probably one of the scarier web addresses I’ve seen today) has announced the doll as a part of their Hollywood doll collection. It’s $29.95, but it’s on back order until Aug. 1, yeah, so er, no dolls for all you doll people until the end of summer! So that’s something! Something kind of weird? Okay, maybe not. There’s also a Dancing With the Stars Barbie, and a Tim McGraw and Faith Hill Barbie. Okay, seriously. That’s kind of weird. Look at her jaunty braid and kicky boots![THR]
