Did someone say there’s not enough sex and incest in the Game of Thrones? Hoo! Well, nobody ever said that. That’s like saying there’s not enough killing in a Scorsese film, or not enough garbage in a Brett Ratner film — just doesn’t happen.
With the second episode in this latest season titled, “The Night Lands,” we are gifted with so much sexy incest it’s like nearly every moment was that scene in As The World Turns when some horrified person says, “Well, you can’t! Duh – Duh – Duh! Because that’s your sister!” Cripes. Thankfully when we weren’t watching those cringe-inducing moments, or having it alluded to in the shadows, we were given some great moments of banter involving Tyrion; a revelation about Arya and her traveling companion; a dastardly secret Jon Snow uncovers; and a homecoming that didn’t go quite as planned.
We begin the episode with young Arya traveling out in the wilderness with a dirty band of men and boys headed for the Wall. We find that things aren’t so pretty and serene while making their way North. There is work to be done, which mostly looked like taking water from a creek bed and pouring it into buckets and troughs. This apparently takes an entire day to do, since we watched Arya, Gendry, one of Robert Baratheon’s bastards, and various other ruffians do this in each scene. Yet, Arya isn’t traveling with just some group of down and out drifters that were picked up by Night’s Watch brother Yoren. Some are locked away as prisoners and for what seems good reason. They taunt and leer at Arya, whom they believe is a boy, but our little tough-girl rousts them with a stick smacking their hands through the bars of a makeshift jail they’re held captive in. One such character named Jaqen tries to appeal to Arya’s sympathies while asking for water. She wisely keeps going on her way, but we get the impression this is not the last we’ll see of Jaqen.
Gendry, who you’ll recall, came to Arya’s rescue when she joined the group headed for the Wall when a couple of boys threatened to thump her and take her sword, Needle. Now it seems they’ve formed a sort of friendship, or alliance, even though Gendry refers to her as a pain in his arse. There’s a sense of duty here that’s apparent long before he finds out Arya is really a girl on the run, and is in fact a lady of House Stark. After two members of the King’s guard, the Gold Cloaks, happens upon the group, Arya hides sure that they’ve come for her, but she and Gendry find that they’re really there for him. He has no idea why, but he doesn’t seem alarmed. Ostensibly when you live in a time when the craziness of the Kings and Queens who rule Westeros can often be visited upon those who live in the realm, you probably don’t ask a lot of questions. He has no idea that he’s a son of a dead King and could rightfully claim the throne. He does, however, agree to keep Arya’s secret. One he’s known for a good while. It looks as if his relationship with Arya will become interesting especially if he continues the role of protector and trusted friend.
For Yoren’s part, that dude could really use a vacation. Not that his intensity isn’t useful, but when you start telling people that you could shave a spider’s ass just as easily as nicking an artery of a foe, well, my boy, you probably could do with a little sun and sand.
Back at King’s Landing, Tyrion whistles along and projects that adjusting to life as hand of the king is going quite well until he enters his chambers to find Varys, the Perez Hilton of Westeros, chatting with Shae, Tyrion’s stowaway and secret girlfriend. Well, that’s no good. Varys, we know, thrives on information. The kind of information that’s born of scuttlebutt and exists in those deep dark corners that hide behind pulled curtains and closed doors. He values anything that can gain him leverage, increase his value, or could be used at a later date for his own devices. He’s the keeper of secrets, but only to the extent that it serves his purposes, and can win him favor. Varys’ knowledge of Shae in King’s Landing when Tywin gave orders that she was to stay behind is a dangerous position for Tyrion to be in. He doesn’t want to owe favors, or be in the position of having to negotiate or bargain, and tells Varys so without preamble. “I’m not Ned Stark…I understand the way this game is played” and proceeds to warn Varys that he could end up “sleeping with the fishes.”
Varys not to be so casually shucked aside, retorts how he always ends up surviving, and now that he has leverage, while not much, he has something Tyrion needs — his silence. And speaking of fishes…we’ve discovered Tyrion’s t-shirt quote of the week. To Varys of Shae he says, “You should taste her fish pie.” Good golly. He really said this. So raunchy. So Tyrion. He really is our favorite.
North of the Wall and back at the farm with daughter-raping old man, Craster, Samwise Sidekick sees a lady named Gilly, or what we think is a lady given their penchant for wearing lumpy, padded duvet covers for clothing. Apparently Gilly needs help escaping from Jon Snow’s direwolf, Ghost. Well, not really. The doggie just wanted a little sniff, but Sam trots along to her rescue. He wanted to see if she was okay, she blushes. She tells him that he’s brave, he blushes. Already this is probably the best OK Cupid date either has ever been on. She tells Sam that she’s pregnant with wife number 20 for her father, or perhaps it’s a boy, and well, things happen to boys, don’tchaknow? Sam, playing hero, takes her over to Jon, you know, the guy who could actually maybe help her (thanks Sam for being the delivery boy!) to which Jon says, “Well, yeah the rape and incest thing is pretty effed up, Gilly, but I have my orders. It’s not really our job to police your nasty dad-husband.” To Sam he says, “Use your noggin, Charlie Brown. What would we do with a lady and an infant? You can’t just steal people from their daddy-hubbies.” Sam, rightfully says that you can’t steal a person who wants to come willingly. Like his constant mop of wet hair, this must lay heavily on Jon.
Later, he sees Craster with a baby — which we assume must be a boy, since he clearly hasn’t married the infant yet — that he takes into the forest. Jon follows. He sees Craster lay the baby down and walk away. Shortly after we hear loud wails and a big sasquatch figure emerges. We assume it’s a White Walker. It takes the baby, but we can’t tell if it’s for food, or sacrifice, or something else entirely. Either way, Craster doubles back and it’s lights out for Jon.
We check in briefly with Dany to see what she’s been up to out there in the Red Waste to find that she’s wasting away — literally. Everyone seems to be waiting for dehydration to claim them. Well, that, and the need for Chapstick is high. We don’t see the dragons, but off in the distance a riderless horse returns to the group, and we learn that the rider’s head has also returned with it. That’s a pretty persuasive answer from one of the neighboring Khals regarding helping Dany’s band of what we guess are now considered outlaws. Things look a bit bleak for Dany and Ser Jorah.
Speaking of bleak — what do you get for mourning infanticide in a brothel? Well, you get a stern pep talk from your pimp/King’s councilman who tells you to “Buck up, sister. Or I’ll let some dude ravage you and all your honey spots in every which way he likes for a very high price.” Ros, Littlefinger’s number one girl, gets such a speech when she fails to perform for a client in the midst of the most convoluted hall of sex scene ever concocted. Everyone watches everyone else in Littlefinger’s porn dungeon. No vice cannot be made into a profit, so poke and peep all you like at Littlefinger’s Pro Shop and Pleasure Palace! And well, if you complain about the service, you’ll get a bonus, a recycled bonus, but a bonus nonetheless. Cheers! This scene made us want a blindfold.
Well, somebody must be focused on the war at hand, yes? And that person is Theon Greyjoy who has little interest in sex, and is totally focused on securing ships for Robb Stark’s cause. No! Certainly not. Theon is a creepy, pervy lackey who couldn’t wait to have a real purpose and be given an errand that made him feel somewhat close to what he believes Robb Stark feels when he’s ordering people around. Yet, the only person who seems to listen to Theon is the daughter of the ship’s captain who’s giving him a lift home, whom he seeks to defile because he can. His power could probably be measured in a gnat fart. Anyway, after acting like the prodigal son returning home to a big feast and warm welcome, he finds that no one cares that he’s coming back except a curious young woman dressed in leathers who flirts with him shamelessly. She offers to give him a ride home where they indulge in a little “back of the movie theater” grope session with the promise of more later. (Now, Spirit said yikes when all this was going on, because I happen to find Theon repulsive. He gives me the “icks” whenever he’s onscreen so the end result of his meeting with mystery girl made for the biggest HORK! moment of the entire episode.)
Theon’s daddy, Balon, could give a crap about Theon’s return or the wants of Robb Stark. He doesn’t care that Robb will make him a King of a town he already runs; he doesn’t care that his long lost son has returned looking all fancy and wearing a skirt as he says; nor does he give a damn about Robb’s war with the Lannisters. He thinks that Theon is a weak, spoiled baby-man (he is) and can’t lead an army — but his daughter can. Enter Yara with a smirk. Oh, geesh, Game of Thrones. Theon looks like he’s going to be sick since he just played fiddle-faddle with his sister. We made retching sounds and rolled our eyes. Blindfold!
Is the incest over? Okay, great. Are we curious about what Stannis now has up his sleeve since his G-mails went out telling everyone, everywhere, how Jaime and Cersei get down, and no one cared? Well, maybe. Mostly we just get that Stannis is frustrated that his little brother, the weak-kneed darling, has more men than he does. He won’t be able to fight Renly in open war. Bummer. He could always join forces with Renly and defeat the Lannisters together. SUCH AN EASY ANSWER! Nope, of course not. So what’s he to do? Well, have sex with Melisandre, his Camelot Morgana witch advisor, obviously. She promises him a win in the war if he accepts her god, and in return she will provide him with an heir named Mordred. No, that’s not from the right story, but it still works so…*shrugs.
And since, all this magic mumbo-jumbo makes no sense to Stannis’ adviser, Davos, he tries to make a deal that will work. He’s enlisting the help of pirate Salladhor Saan and his resources. In payment, Saan wants Cersei in the bargain. We laugh because we know unless he’s a blonde Lannister, there’s no way he has a shot. At the rate this show is going, detestable Joffrey could probably father his own brother and no one would hardly blink an eye.
Tyrion also knows this is true. We get the sense that he’d like to stop much of the shenanigans happening at King’s Landing, but more to the point, curb Cersei’s power. There’s little love between these two. After being rebuffed by Cersei twice in the council meeting where he tries to give rise to the Night’s Watch reports of odd things occurring North of the wall, and to broker good will with Robb by giving him back his father’s bones, Tyrion strikes out and deftly fires Janos Slynt the head of City Watch/Gold Cloaks who was also just made a Lord by stupid King Joffrey, mostly for his treachery. Tyrion doesn’t want that guy around, so he seizes him, sends him on a late night ship to the Night’s Watch and appoints Bronn his hired sword as head of the City Watch/Gold Cloaks. He asks if Bronn would murder an innocent baby without question. He responds, “No. I’d ask how much first.” This may or may not be the answer Tyrion wanted, but at least he got an honest answer, and knows where Bronn stands.
Once Cersei gets wind of the changes Tyrion makes she goes for the jugular. She attempts to lament her constant position of “fixer.” “It’s all fallen on me,” she says. Tyrion snarks: “So has Jaime, repeatedly, according to Stannis Baratheon.” Oh, so, so awesome, Tyrion. BUT this is Cersei we’re talking about. She knows that Tyrion is making moves to usurp her power, so if she can’t always outthink him, or maneuver ahead of him, she knows where to hurt him, because who can do that better than a sibling? She says, “You’ve always been so funny.” and alludes to their shared mother’s death in childbirth bearing him. “There’s no bigger joke in the world than that,” she claims. She then stalks out leaving Tyrion stunned at the cruelty of the statement.
Gauntlet thrown.
So what did you think about last night’s episode? Is Tyrion’s biggest obstacle Cersei? What do you foresee for Arya and Gendry? Will Theon betray Robb? And good gracious, where will incest pop up next? Don’t answer that last one.
As I’ve said in the past, this is a book-free space for Game of Thrones. We’re just talking about the television series, so please try and avoid book spoilers. Thanks!
Here’s a more detailed infographic of the houses. It’s all a bit complex, which is part of what we love about GoT, so I’m doing my best to help suss out the confusion if there is any.
Click image for a full screen version.
The Game of Thrones airs Sunday nights at 9pm on HBO.
