Everyone’s Vagina Has Problems: Girls Season 1 Episode 2

If nothing else, maybe Girls will convince everyone who watches that contraception should always be used.

This week’s episode begins in Adam’s apartment with the sometimes-fuck-buddies Adam and Hannah going at it. The dirty talk starts off innocently with Adam asking Hannah if she likes it. Like pretty much any 24-year-old girl, Hannah answers “yes” because she most likely doesn’t know any better. Things start getting a little weird when Adam tells Hannah he knew when he found her in an alley, she wanted it this way. Hannah seems confused. Found her? Alley? They met in a bar! After Adam mentions Hannah being an 11-year-old street junkie with a Cabbage Patch lunchbox, she realizes he is acting out some sort of fantasy he has about street urchins turned slutty. The guy is really into it, so Hannah plays along, albeit awkwardly. He ejaculates onto her arm, but not before asking her where she wants him to come (“Uh, what are my choices?”). After telling him the sex was good, Hannah makes sure Adam knows she almost came. The female orgasm: An unimportant, unsolvable mystery to most guys in their early 20s, so why bother trying?

Before Hannah leaves Adam’s apartment the next morning, she mentions her plans for the day consist of going to a job interview and then accompanying Jessa to her abortion. Adam refers to the abortion as some heavy shit, and Hannah questions whether or not it really is or if people just make abortions out to be really big deals. Clearly, none of these women are in any type of position to be having children. Hannah points this out to Adam when she asks, “What’s she going to do? Have a baby and then take it with her to her babysitting job?”

When Adam mentions that girls never ask him to use condoms, Hannah has a minor freak out. She points out they always use condoms when they have sex, when it suddenly dawns on Adam “that’s probably why it takes (him) 25 years to nut” whenever he has sex with Hannah. Ah, Adam. The charm oozes from that one.

Meanwhile over at Hannah and Marnie’s apartment, Charlie and Marnie are having sex, too. We’ve already established Adam and Charlie are complete opposites. Adam just does not give a shit about Hannah and tends to disappear from her life for weeks at a time, while Charlie does everything in his power to dote upon Marnie, much to her chagrin. When Charlie suggests he and Marnie look at each other while they come, Marnie balks and says she wants to do it doggy style. Charlie gently reminds her she doesn’t like that position because it makes her feel like a piggy bank. “No, I said it makes me look like a piggy bank.”

After the sex is over, Marnie and Charlie have a little spat. She seems perpetually confused and irritated by Charlie’s insistence on being the greatest boyfriend ever. She tells him she wants him to go about his business without caring about what she wants, piss her off and then not give a fuck. According to her, that’s what men do. It’s like if he isn’t treating her at least a little bit like shit, he isn’t doing it right at all.

Hannah walks into the apartment as Charlie is on his way out. “Have a great day, ladies. I mean sluts. You’re a slut,” he says to Hannah, who looks only a little bit confused and not at all offended.

After Hannah tells Marnie about Adam’s strange street urchin role play from the previous night, Marnie informs Hannah she shouldn’t allow Adam to treat her that way because Hannah is better than that. That’s particularly rich coming from someone who is practically begging her boyfriend to degrade her. Apparently there is some sort of happy medium between being treated like a queen and being treated like a common whore. Charlie and Adam just haven’t found it yet.

Hannah is still really distraught by the possibility of catching something from Adam. She can’t really be blamed. He’s admitted to not using condoms regularly and even though she insists they use them when they’re together, it’s still scary to think something might be lurking down below. So what’s a girl to do? Google, of course! She first enters “Diseases that come from no condom for one second” before she thinks better of it and types in “Stuff that gets up around the sides of condoms.” After reading the results and inspecting herself, she decides she needs to get tested. She calls Marnie and asks Marine to schedule an appointment for STI testing while Jessa gets her abortion. Why not? They’re going to be right there.

Hannah tells Marnie that while she’s only had sex with two and a half men, she is going to get tested every few months. This might be the smartest thing we’ve heard Hannah say. While an initial STI check is a smart thing to do after exposure to a new partner, it’s important to keep getting regularly checked for diseases like HIV, which may remain asymptomatic for years.

Over at Shoshanna’s apartment, Shoshanna is working on her manifestation board while Jessa is getting really high to prepare for her upcoming abortion. Shoshanna doesn’t want Jessa smoking in her apartment even though Shoshanna’s like totally cool with it. When Jessa offers Shoshanna a hit, Shoshanna declines saying she’s already hyper enough. In an awkward attempt to stage an intervention against Jessa’s drug use, Shoshanna lets Jessa know how proud she is of Jessa for getting an abortion.

Before Hannah has her job interview, she meets up with Jessa and Shoshanna for ice cream. While Hannah laments Adam’s bad habits of not texting her back and disappearing for weeks at a time, Shoshanna pulls out a book called “Listen Ladies: A Tough Love Approach to the Tough Game of Love.” It’s another clear nod to Sex and the City, and of course Shoshanna is the one who treats it as her bible. Hannah asks who the ladies are, and Shoshanna replies that “obvi, we’re the ladies.”

Jessa is no lady and takes offense to the whole silly thing. After she and Hannah leave Shoshanna, Jessa tells Hannah she doesn’t like women telling other women what to do, how to do it, or when to do it. Jessa also wants Hannah to know that she will make a great mother when the time is right. Hannah tries to get to the bottom of Jessa’s outrage by suggesting maybe Jessa is mad at herself or afraid of her impending abortion. The viewer gets the sense that both are probably true.

Hannah’s job interview is a surprise as it starts off shockingly well. She and her interviewer, played by the talented and handsome Mike Birbiglia, even appear to be flirting. They both live in Brooklyn and like the same bar where the patron’s median age is 55 and can be described as crotchety. The interviewer is clearly going to give Hannah the job, but suggests he should look over her resume as a formality. While he’s looking, Hannah asks where he went to school. When he tells Hannah Syracuse, she recites a statistic about Syracuse having the highest reported incidents of date rape. Hannah then jokes the rate weirdly went down when the interviewer graduated. Because, you know, he was the one committing all the date rape. Heh.

Hannah, you moron.

The interview is clearly over when the interviewer tells Hannah jokes about rape, race and incest are not office okay. We all know that and we all know they’re especially not okay when you’re first interviewing for a job, but Hannah’s a little behind on this life lesson.

Marnie is already at the doctor’s office when Hannah shows up late. Jessa hasn’t shown up at all. Marnie’s upset that Hannah is treating Jessa’s abortion so casually. She’s also upset because Marnie just knows she’s destined to be a mother so why hasn’t it happened yet? Hannah suggests maybe Charlie’s sperm count is low, but Marnie continues on with her tragedy of having a regular period. “Then you’re really lucky,” Hannah tries to comfort Marnie. “I never know when I’m going to get my period. It’s always a surprise. That’s why all my underwear are covered in weird stains.”*

Shoshanna arrives and brought snacks because when her sister gave birth, it took a really long time and Shoshanna got hungry and she didn’t know how long something like this would take. Shoshanna tells Hannah it sounds like fun to have sex and then take a test. It’s becoming increasingly evident Shoshanna knows absolutely nothing about anything.

After Hannah is called back for her STI check, Marnie tells Shoshanna Jessa is a really disrespectful person for not even bothering to show up to her own abortion. Marnie also thinks Jessa takes advantage of her and her good friendship. In the middle of Marnie’s rant, Shoshanna blurts out that she’s never even had sex. She’s never even given a blow job! Marnie isn’t sure what to say to Shoshanna, so she tells her about the time she ran over a puppy with her car on accident. Strangely enough, Shoshanna just looks confused.

During Hannah’s time with the gynecologist, Hannah tells the gyno she’s terrified of contracting HIV and eventually dying of AIDS. She uses condoms but is truly afraid of the stuff that gets up around the sides. The doctor seems confused and asks Hannah if she’s ever known anyone with AIDS. No, Hannah replies, but it’s her Forrest Gump fear. That’s how Jenny died. Hannah continues to ramble about getting AIDS about how it’s actually a really good excuse to be mad at someone because hello, he gave you AIDS and that’s forever! Hannah concludes that maybe she isn’t all that afraid of getting AIDS and maybe what she really wants is to have it.

“That is an incredibly silly thing to say. You do not want AIDS.” The gynecologist looks at Hannah like she has two heads, and maybe she does because who in their right mind could romanticize a disease as horrific as AIDs? “You could not pay me to be 24 again,” the doctor says while she begins to inspect Hannah’s nether regions. “Yeah, well, they’re not paying me at all,” Hannah quips.

So where’s Jessa during all of this? At a bar. Skipping her abortion. Getting trashed on White Russians at 1:00 in the afternoon. Meeting a cute guy. Hooking up with the cute guy in what appears to be a supply closet. Telling the cute guy to put his hands down her pants. Discovering she’s started her period when the cute guy shows her the blood on his fingers.

Well, that takes care of that problem, Jessa.

*Finally, a period joke that is actually hilarious.

Girls airs Sunday nights on HBO at 10:30 EST. All images from HBO.

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