We all know what it’s like to be out someplace that requires a modicum of quiet and Todd (that jackass), just won’t shut up. Well, no longer will you have to helplessly listen to Todd’s diatribe extolling the virtues of Goji berry juice. You can do something about it.
Be it at the movie theater, your commute home, the library (Well, if anyone actually frequented libraries anymore), or anyplace where it’s understood you don’t scream that your best buddy is a whorebag (this happens) because he’s late to the bar, or prattle on glowingly about the new Lana Del Rey single (or Brian Williams will show up at your house like a mountain lion), or discuss in great detail your gall bladder surgery while out on a first date as The Awl advises against — hearing all this crap is a thing of the past.
Now you can zap the offender’s brain to hamper their thinking process and render them wordless! This is something you’ll want to do, yes?
As reported by MIT’s Technology Review, researchers from Japan’s Ochanomizu University and the National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology have invented the Speech Jammer gun. It’s a portable device with a microphone and speaker that when directed at someone yammering away, spits back their own voice, but with a delay that upon hearing trips up the brain’s thinking processes and causes the person to stutter before silencing them completely. The science is based on the proven fact that it is almost impossible to speak when your words are replayed to you with a delay of a fraction of a second.
The inventors tout its ability to halt speech without any physical discomfort. Well, I dunno. Sure, maybe no discomfort to the person who receives the silencing, but what about once the speaker figures out what happened? Isn’t this some sort of brain tampering? Aren’t you in effect forcibly removing their ability to speak? Uh-huh, I’d think that’s probably akin to clamping a hand on someone’s mouth. They just may not take too kindly to being silenced in this manner, and we foresee a bit of hostility on the horizon.
As it stands, there are no indications of who would be using this device, whether it would be for police officers in conjunction with tasers, or for other authority officials; the military, or secret service for instance (Oh, Jan Brewer, you and your assholish forefinger.) The most the scientists will say is that it could be used for 1) libraries, the one place where silence is still enforced, and 2) the United Nations for conflict resolution, despite its possibly aggressive nature.
Uh, okay, guys. I can’t think of a scarier place to use this device than the United Nations. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. That’s all I’ll say. However, seeing it used by the moderators during some of these Republican debates probably would’ve been worth the price of admission. Perhaps they tried it out on Rick Perry unbeknownst to the world?
What do you think? Great new invention or potential for WWIII?
