Yep, you knew it. You’ll never get ahead because brown nosing, fantastic dickwad, Todd, has been given the gift of irreparable, yet disgustingly buoyant, job affinity, all with a miraculous amount of perseverance and persuasive inner manna that tells all superiors who encounter him that they should “Like the cut of his jib” and that “Todd is really going places.” Fucking Todd.
He probably has halos shooting out his ass. You see him everyday with his smug punch-primed face, with his arresting good looks, his snazzy corporate wear, and that way he comes in a room and says, “What’s the deelio?” to everyone’s inexplicable delight. Todd is a spastic toolbag, and you’d like to set Todd on fire. But you can’t. He just got promoted and now he’s a lateral supervisor on another team, but that doesn’t stop him from being a cheesy jockstrap every time you see him in the hall.
Fucking Todd.
Sound familiar? Well, it should, since a new study says that people with simple, easy-to-pronounce names are more likely to be favored for a promotion at work. Urgh. Really? This sounds a little like someone telling you all those guys from Pi Sigma Rho Fraternity Inc. will most likely be your boss until the end of time.
The study performed by professors from the University of Melbourne and New York University found that it has less to do with the length of a name, how foreign-sounding, or unusual it is. It’s really about how easily it rolls off the tongue, because apparently we’re that lazy, and saying Siobhan or Athanasios is so very taxing. Oh, the seconds you will lose! The time it will take to ask Athanasios to bring in the Hartley file is more than anyone should be able to stand. “Athanasios? Yes, I’m now calling you A-Rod. Thanks, bye.”
Guess who the biggest offenders are when it comes to name-pronunciation discrimination? Lawyers. Are you surprised? Perhaps not. Can extra syllables be considered a waste of billable hours? The study found that attorneys with more pronounceable names rose more quickly to superior positions in their firm hierarchies. So that means even though Todd isn’t as effective in lawyering as say Eoghan, he may one day become partner. The question is, how much does this have to do with the actual person, or the name itself? Is it that Todd triggers something in the psyche that says approachable, fun-loving, dependable, and available? And a name like Eoghan says complicated, challenging, closed-off, and unapproachable? Perhaps.
“People simply aren’t aware of the subtle impact that names can have on their judgments,” said researcher Adam Alter of New York University.
And this isn’t just true of law firms, the study also reports this effect has impacted other industries, including politics. The research found — President Obama aside, who in this study would be some sort of anomaly — political candidates with easy-to-pronounce names were more likely to win a race. Could this be why we seem to have an influx of Ricks and Johns? Interesting. So what does that say about a Mitt or a Newt? HA! Probably that no one in school ever really liked a Willard or a Newton, but with Mitt, at least in his abbreviated weirdness you could maybe catch a ball game with him until he and the others had to get back on the bus to Stepford — but, well, Newt, probably always cried in the corner during recess, because going around using his middle name, Leroy, just would’ve made him sound like a guy who sold carpets out the back of his Ford Econoline, and Newt is just silly. See what you have unleashed upon us, bullies?!
The thing the researchers want to bring to the forefront is how easy we make assessments and judgments about people based on the smallest of things, and that the results of this study do lead to important implications for the management of bias and discrimination in today’s society.
“It’s important to appreciate the subtle biases that shape our choices and judgments about others,” said lead researcher Simon Laham. “Such an appreciation may help us de-bias our thinking, leading to fairer, more objective treatment of others.”
Yes, and that should be a goal for all, but is it important for parents to, for now, take that into consideration when naming their children? That’s a tough question. While Michael, Tom, Jane or Mary, may be easily pronounced, and possibly the easiest way to give your kid a leg up in his or her future, where’s the unique, individuality? Well, some of it is right here! According to Amanda Elizabeth Barden’s book, Baby Names Made Easy, she’s made a list of names that the discerning parent could easily choose to make a kid stand out in a crowd of Toms, Dicks, and Harrys or possibly want to takeover Nakatomi Plaza with Hans Gruber (I’m just kidding! Maybe.) Take a gander at some of her suggestions. The categories are all hers. Truth be told, I’d probably dislike a kid named Dario, Maximiliano, Hendry, or MacBeth just a little bit. See? The research is true. I’d need deprogramming.
