You may have been too busy heating your last can of hobo beans over a kettle drum fire to notice, but Malachy, the world’s smartest mop best-looking dog is single-pawedly saving our nation’s economy. The Westminster Dog Show-winning Pekingese rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange last Thursday. Then shit got real.
Malachy, the most hilarious looking animal since Pedobear, obviously has some sort of magical power because the markets took off right after he graced the trading floor with his crazy dog hairdo that makes him resemble one of Atlanta’s most beloved strippers.
The Dow Jones industrial average rose 123.13 points to close at 12,904.08, its third triple-digit gain this year. It was the highest close for the Dow since May 19, 2008, four months before the worst of the financial crisis.
As the Dow moved to within sight of 13,000, applause broke out at the closing bell on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.
So why did this happen? NO ONE KNOWS. (It’s obviously because of Malachy, though.)
There are doubts about how long the momentum can be sustained, and even questions about what’s sustaining it.
The market has seemed determined to move higher this year, despite mostly incremental and vague news about the Greek debt crisis and sometimes-conflicting reports on the U.S. economy.
“I think we’re floating on air. There’s not much going on,” said Ben Schwartz, chief market strategist at Lightspeed Financial.
I think it’s obvious that this dog is manipulating the markets so that the economy picks up and noted Kenyan Muslim Theologian Barack Hussein can be re-elected. Malachy is the Pekingese Candidate.
